


You Will Be Alright, Even

by Beyondyoutmind



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bipolar Even Bech Næsheim, Chronic Illness, Depressed Even Bech Næsheim, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:13:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 86,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26712742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beyondyoutmind/pseuds/Beyondyoutmind
Summary: When a national swimmer Isak fell in love with a mentally and physically broken Even, who suffered from muliple illnesses, he didn't realize what he put himself into. Would he be able to rescue Even, or was Even was too far gone in the deep end of the ocean. And can Even learn l love and trust again?
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen, Mikael Øverlie Boukhal/Even Bech Næsheim
Comments: 96
Kudos: 77





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If you have come across these two chapters before. I accidentally deleted my accounts during my episode, and my work was gone. I only have backup of the first two chapters in my com. Sorry about that.

  
"Let me send you home Even" 

"But I only live across the street. You basically can see my window you know?" Even shrugged as he ran around the front yard of Mikael's house.

"Ya, but you've been too overhyped these past few weeks, just let me bring you to the front door at least" Mikael insisted.

"I think you're being too paranoid Mikael. But I guess you can walk me home if that makes you feel better. But..only if you can catch me first" Even laughed and ran frantically.

"Come on Even, let's go! I've still got to finish my homework. My mom said I have to finish before you come later". Mikael grabbed Even's hand just in time when he ran past him. " Gotcha". 

"Is your father home" Mikael asked. 

"I don't know. I hope not" Even sighed 

Mikael knew Even's father was an alcoholic and his mother was a drug addict and she left both of them to god knows where. Bad combo really. Basically, both of them were the worst parents Mikael have ever known, to be honest. Even didn't deserve to be in this environment, Mikael thought for a second. So he's always worried about Even when he didn't go to school. Even was suffering with his heart problems, his narrow arteries which caused him tired easily, and blackout many times. And his asthma was only going to make it worse at times. Thanks to the drug addicts mother of his, couldn't get herself together when she was pregnant. And recently, Even was just diagnosed with Bipolar after a few stunts at schools. Mikael had to take extra precautions because Even could easily get himself in trouble, sick,or hurt, and his father wouldn't even bother.

Mikael remembered the time when Even almost died by his father's doing. Who the fuck threw your child into the swimming pool and jammed his head into the water. That man was despicable and a scumbag. Goosebumps appeared on his skin at the thought of it. Had he not hurried pull Even up from the pool and yelled at his papa for help, Even would have..He didn't want to think about it.

A man in his early 30s opened the door. He looked drunk and his eyes were cold and furious. He grabbed Even's hand to a very tight grip and pulled him into the house. Even looked down to the floor and took a peek at Mikael before his father pushed him further into the house. Mikael couldn't see him anymore. He wanted to say something to Even, but his father just stepped in.

"You should go home Mikael". Strong stench of beer came out as he spoke, as if he'd been drinking the whole factory.

"I'll see you later Even!" Mikael shouted loud enough so Even could hear him, and his eyes pierced directly at Even's father as to challenge him.

"I don't think that's necessary Mikael. He won't be going to your house today" And he shut the door right in front of his face. 

' _Arsehole_ ' Mikael thought.  
..........

"Even! Come here! Did you do this? Did you break all the plates this morning?  
And did you throw all the shoes into the garbage can again?" He grabbed Even's hand so tight that it made him scream in pain.

"Stop! Papa stop!" Even started crying. He felt as if blood has stopped flowing into his hand. Even broke loose from his father's grip and hurried run into the kitchen, panting, as to find something, anything, to protect himself.

"Come here! Don't you runaway from me! Come here! Come here you little psycho! You little sick shit! Come here!" His father caught him again and this time he gripped his hand by the wrist and squeezed it tightly til it left the marks and he fell down onto the floor with fainting spell. His father pulled him up and ripped Even's shirt apart as he took out a belt with spiky metal knots and started to beat him on his back repeatedly, creating long red bruises across his back. Blood seeped out from his skin and dripped onto the kitchen floor.

"Papa..no..no! I'm sorry I'm sorry, I won't get sick, and I won't get crazy again. I..I..I will behave, I.I won't do it again" Even cried and cried and cried. 

"Why do you keep breaking things, Even!" He hit Even again, "Remember this Even, if you ever try to misbehave again! Why can't you act like a normal kid for once. Your mother leaves you! She leaves us! It's all because of you! Look at me! Why do you have to keep embarrassing yourself! Why do you keep embarrassing me! Answer me..Now! 

"I.I..I don't..I don't know..I don't know! I'm sorry. I don't know." Even yelled back, crying hysterically.

He grabbed Even by the arm and shoved him right into the pantry. He pulled out a small piece of bread from the loaf and a slice of cheese onto the pantry floor.

"If you're gonna act like a wild animal then you should eat like one! And that's your dinner!" With that, he slammed the door shut. 

Even was crying uncontrollably in that tiny pantry. He cried and cried until there's no more tears left. He grabbed the bread from the floor and slowly picking it out piece by piece. The cheese was a little too difficult to take out of the floor as it started to get a little too soft. Even used his finger to scrape it out and ate it off the floor. And he cried again but this time it had no sound. It was just tears rollling down from his eyes voluntarily.

Even didn't know how long he was inside but he didn't dare to open the door because his father might still be out there ready to whack him again. He slowly lay down on the floor, his knees up against his chest and he kept shaking with fear. Mikael would find him, Even knew Mikael would always find him. But he didn't know when. Even started to pant. He felt the heat and sweat all over his body. He gripped on his chest tightly, He felt the pain and the numbness that kept crawling up and wrapped around his heart so tight that made it difficult to breathe.  
..............

"What's wrong honey? Why the face? Have you finished your homework?"

"Yes, mama". Mikael was thinking about that disgusting drunk face on Even's father and how angry he looked. He felt unsettled, like something bad might had happened to Even right now and he couldn't wait til tomorrow to find out if Even would go to school tomorrow, alive.

"Mama?"

"Yes, honey?" She turned around to see her son looking worried "What's wrong?"

"Can we go check on Even? He has episodes these past few weeks, and his father is so drunk. You should've seen his face. I'm worried".

"I'm sure nothing happened, honey. He's his father after all. But by the look on your face, if I don't go with you, you'd probably sneak out anyway right?". She smiled at him softly. Mikael's eyes lit up. 

"Ok, let me go get changed first" 

Mikael nodded.  
................  
  
Mikael and his mother rang the doorbell but noone answered.

"I think there's noone in the house honey, maybe they're already sleeping, we should go back". She suggested.

"No! His room is totally dark. Even won't sleep this early. It's impossible. Especially when he's in the episodes. I know him. Something's wrong". Mikael told his mother. He was dead sure that something was not right. He grabbed the door handle, it was unlocked. He looked inside. Ok. The dumbass man's shoes weren't there, most likely went out to get wasted again. It was quiet. Eerily quiet. He was about to walk in but his mother stopped him.

"Honey, I don't think we should intrude other people's home".

"Mama, this isn't other people's home, this is Even's home, at least let me sneak upstairs to check on him."

Mikael hurried inside and ran upstairs but Even wasn't in his room. He walked downstairs disappointed and tell his mother, who was waiting by the front door, that Even wasn't there. 

"Maybe they went out?" His mother suggested. Mikael disagreed. He knew Even's father was an arsehole, and he couldn't picture him bring Even out for a treat, like ever. But on the way to the front door, Mikael spotted Even's backpack was still downstairs in the living room. He walked in out of curiosity and found a shirt. It's all ripped apart. It's Even's! Mikael felt like he wanted to vomit. 

"Mama, mama! Come and look at this! This is Even's. It belongs to him" His mother looked at the torn shirt and gasped.

"I have to find Even. I really have to find Even now!" Mikael ran and open the bathroom's door, noone. He ran into the kitchen and his heart dropped to the floor. It's blood. It's blood. He hoped it's not Even's. Mikael kept shouting Even Even. Mikael opened the pantry door and he felt as if his heart has just stopped beating. Even's back was stained with his own blood. He looked really pale. And his eyes were blank and empty.  
  
.................

Even saw the light from outside. Someone must have opened the pantry door. But he felt too weak and too tired to move, still curling on the floor. Once the door was fully opened, Even shut his eyes tight, shaking violently.

"Don't! Don't! I'm sorry. Don't hit me. I'm sorry". His heart was beating fast unevenly and he felt like he has no voice left to mutter out a word. 

"Even! Even! It's me. I'm here.Even! " Mikael tried to take Even's hands but Even didn't seem to pay any attention.

"Even! It's me Mikael. Even!" 

Even fluttered his eyes opened, recognised the face. He slowly reached out his shaky hand and mikael grabbed it quickly. Mikael tried to move him up, but Even seems too hesitated. 

" Mik..Mikael..I.I can't.. breath.I can't. breath". Even's voice was fainting and he was wheezing and gasping for air.

"where's your inhaler Even?! Where is it?!" Mikael asked but Even couldn't form a word out.

"Ok. Ok ..I will go get some help" Mikael runs out and yelled "Mama! Mama! I need help! Please call an ambulance now!". 

He hurried back and saw the inhaler next to the kichen sink. He grabbed it and ran into the pantry but found Even was no longer moving. He shook Even by the shoulder but no response. Even was barely breathing.

"Even?.. Even! Even! Wake up!" But Even didn't move.

"Even! I found your inhaler, please wake up! I found your inhaler, please wake up! don't you do this to me" Mikael cried loudly as he kept calling Even.

Mikael cradled Even in his arms. "Just hang on. someone's coming to help. Hang on buddy, I'm here Even. I'm here. Please hang on." 

..............

Even was hit repeatedly with the belt and he cried out loud in an excruciating pain. "No..no..stop! papa stop". His breaths quickened. Someone was calling him. He panted, and as soon as he woke up, he started screaming, "No! I'm sorry I'm sorry". His eyes were wild and wide.

"Even! Even! It's me. It's ok now." Mikael gently grabbed Even's shoulders and lean him back to the pillow. 

"Even. It's ok now. You're at the hospital. You're safe" Mikael said as his eyes laid on him.

Even looked blank for a moment, and he slowly came to sense. He sniffled and tears were streaming down on his cheeks. 

"Mikael? Mikael." He looked at Mikael confused, and ran his eyes across the room and back to his hands in Mikael's. 

"You're safe now, Even. Just relax. ok?" Mikael tried to reassure him.

Even nodded. He was still a little tired, and his back felt very sore. And he suddenly started to panick again. 

" I. I can't go back there. I don't want to go back there. I don't...". But before Even could finish the sentence, Mikael moved himself up to sit beside Even on the bed and he said softly " You're not going back there. You won't have to stay there anymore." Even looked at him, confused. Mikael held out his arms and gently wrapped around Even as to not hurt his back.

"My mama said, there will be people helping you settle down at another place, a Home. And they already took photos of your injuries and filed report. You just have to wait for some paparworks, and they will take you to your new home ok?"

"You mean like orphanage or those community home ?" Even asked in a low voice. "Then will we see each other again?". His eyes started to well up.

Mikael chuckled, "Of course we'll see each other again you idiot! You still have to go to school you know." 

Even gave him a half smile and sighed "I guess I probably have to stay there, you know, at the orphanage like, maybe forever then" 

"No, you won't. I've already planned that out. When we grow older and when I'm matured enough. We'll rent an apartment, and we'll work and we'll brave the world just like normal grown ups." Mikael said firmly.

"Really? You want me to live in the same apartment as you? I.I'm not normal in case you forgot. And I get sick easily too." Even bit his lips and lowered his head "You sure about that?" He took a quick glance at Mikael. Mikael placed his hands on top of Even's to get his attention. Even looked up.

"I'm positive and certain about that." Mikael squeezed Even's hands. "I don't care that you're bipolar or you have asthma or whatever you have, I'm not gonna let anyone hurt you again. I'll take care of you..I promise. 

"But we're the same age, why would I need you to take care of me? I can take care of myself you know" Even asked, puzzling.

"And look who's in the hospital bed now?" Mikael teased but he turned serious again. "I just want to handle better with you and your extras, you know what I mean. I don't want to see you like that day, like maybe ever again." There was a tear at the corner of his eyes as he spoke. "You're my best friend, you know that Even?"

Even's eyes were glistening, but he kept his composure. Instead, he looked at Mikael and cocked his head "You know. You already sound like a grown up to me Mikael" They both stayed quiet for a while and then burst out laughing.

  


  



	2. Chapter 2

If one thing Isak was certain about, was how desperate he need for a good cup of coffee, a strong one. And food, lots of it. He'd been having a strenuous training today at the national sports training centre. Their team just had a taste of their first medal in relay a few months back. And though they only received a bronze, it was still something to be proud of. and celebrated about. But now their coach wanted more. And he'd been yelling into his ears and his teammates' for hours. Isak felt like he might go deaf one day when he retired from swimming completely.

Isak needed a break. He called Magnus and Jonas out, and they agreed to meet at one of Magnus' recommended places that he had been boasting about for a while now, but Isak never been to that cafe before. For the fact that it was like a two kilometre walk, and his legs were already had their fair share of suffering. But today was different. The cafes near the Hall were all full. Pretty much no choice but to give in to his request.

Isak could see Magnus and Jonas waiving from the corner end of the cafe. They were already here. It was a pretty small cafe, but it looked warm and cozy. The outdoor seatings looked very comfy too, but a little too cold and too windy. Perhaps it would be nice during Spring or Summer. Quite many people as well, Isak thought. But luckily Magnus was here earlier to steal the table. Well done Magnus. While Isak was about to sit down, there were three teenagers behind him asking for autograph.

"Are you Isak Valtersen from the national team?" One of them asked.

"Umm..yes?"

"Can we have your autograph..pleaseee" That begging voice like little kittens reached his ears.

" Sure" Isak signed the autograph then excused himself back to his friends. He already saw the two idiots smirked at him.

" Woah..dude you're famous now, with chicks!" Magnus gave his shoulder a nudge. Isak rolled his eyes.

"You know I'm gay right?" Isak looked at Magnus.

"So? Well, but you can still go out with both you know, at least help introduce some chicks to us" Jonas nodded in agreement.

"Sorry to say, but you guys have to get them yourselves. I seriously don't have time to think about chicks or whatever now, The coach is killing me. Anyway, show me what is so special about this place? You've been boasting about it since like forever."

Isak had to agree that Magnus was very persuasive because he is now here after all, at this cafe. Magnus suggested toastie and a house brew coffee, which he claimed to be of the best around here. The fact that they roasted the beans themselves is quite promising. Isak had to agree with that. And it was exactly what Isak had been craving for the whole day.

Isak looked around the place and spotted a guy with a dark shoulder-length hair at the other corner talking and laughing with a few staffs.

"What are you looking at?" Jonas moved his head to see what Isak was eyeing on.

"That guy?" Jonas asked.

"He's the owner actually. His name is Mikael. Pretty hot right?" Magnus nudged him.

" What? No! That's not what I think. I didn't know he's the owner. I thought he's flirting with those staffs. Anyway, isn't he too young to own this place? And how the hell you know his name?"

"Actually one of my colleagues comes here very often until he knows the owner. I did talk to him just now before you're here. Very chill guy" 

There's no surprise Magnus liked to talk to people. He's the kind of person that could make friends easily anywhere and anytime.

"Here are your toasties". A guy served the dish to each of them. His stomach was already jumping with joy. It smelled pretty good actually. He could actually see the cheese was still bubbling and oozing out from the toast.

"And here is your coffee..Umm..extra large". The guy slowly placed the coffee next to Isak. 

Isak looked up to meet the owner of that voice that sounds so soft and pleasant. But what he met was the warmest and cutest smile from that beautiful face Isak had ever seen. Isak kept looking at him as if his eyes couldn't turn away from that pair of blues. He was so tall and he looked so charismatic. Isak was almost staring at him right now. And the guy had noticed that, He looked at Isak and asked him with that soft an gentle voice again.

"Umm..would you like something else? Is there anything else I can get you?" His smile is now only for Isak. Isak could feel the heat running all over his face, and his mouth just forgot how to speak for a second until he was able to collect himself.

_I would like 'you'._

"Uh..No. Thank you" Isak replied as he blushed. 

"Please enjoy". The guy gave him a smile again and walked away.

Isak's eyes followed that figure until it disappeared into the kitchen.

"Isak!" Jonas called him. 

"Huh?" Isak still glancing at the kitchen door in case the guy came back out.

"I've been calling you many times now, where you've been? I thought your soul has left the body." Jonas with his sarcastic remark.

That was a little exaggerating but Isak kinda agreed to that. He thought his soul just followed that guy into the kitchen. Shit ! He should have looked at his name tag but he was too drown into those eyes. Isak took a bite into the toastie and his eyes grew big. It was airy and crunchy, the cheese, the seasonings were about right. There were many layers of hams as well. And for the price? It was a very good deal. He thought. It was probably the best out of any cafes Isak had ever been too. He noticed Magnus was looking at him eagerly.

"Right? Right? Isn't it the best!" 

Isak looked at him and nodded " Ya, I didn't expect a simple toastie could taste so good" And as he took a sip at the coffee, it was very aromatic. The beans were roasted to the right temperature. He would probably want to come here more often now, maybe everyday if he could. 

But does that guy work here everyday too? He wondered.

" So..empty seat right here " Jonas said.

Isak looked at the empty chair beside him. "So?"

" Well, bro. Where's your date?" 

Isak thought for a second. Right. Jonas had last met his boyfriend not long ago. But it was over because he wanted it to be over.

" We broke up" Isak didn't need to elaborate any further.

" You mean you broke up with him, to be precise " 

" Well, it's getting kind of boring. He's too clingy " 

Jonas nodded as he knew that Isak was the kind of person who would play the 'date and dump' game every half a year. Why wasted time when nothing was fun and exciting anymore. But right now, he already saw a new target.

"Why do you keep looking there?" Magnus asked

"What? I didn't." Quite a bad answer, Isak had to admit.

"You're lying! You've been staring at that door for a while now" Magnus nudged him again. 

"Anything interesting beyond that door?" Magnus was being cheeky. 

Isak rolled his eyes "Just shut up and eat ". 

But Isak knew there was definitely something interesting beyond that door. 

  
The guy never came out again from the kitchen. Isak was thinking he wanted to come again but tomorrow was definitely impossible. They had to go to another venue for training. Perhaps next week if he could finish the training in time.

The owner was approaching their table, and gave them a wide smile. 

"How's everthing Magnus?" Mikael asked.

"As delicious as always", with a big grin on his face.

"Yes, very very good!" Jonas said " I think I can have five of this."

Mikael looked at Jonas, and smiled at him with appreciation. He turned to Isak and stopped.

"Aren't you the bronze medal guy?" Mikael looked at Isak.

"Oh. Yes. I'm that guy" Isak smiled proudly.

Mikael extended his arm and gave a handshake, "I'm Mikael by the way".

"Hi, I'm Isak"

"I hope you've enjoyed everything so far here".

Isak nodded. _Yes, he did_.

"Yes. It's the best I've ever had. You've got a very good chef here, seems very creative with the sandwich". And it's true. Isak thought.

"Well, too bad, that chef went back a while ago. But I'll tell him when I reached home, he'll be very happy to hear for sure". 

Magnus, Jonas, and Isak exchanging looks with one another, confused. Finally, Magnus broke the awkward silence. 

"You and the chef live together?", he scratched his head.

"Oh, sorry. Yes. I thought why you guys all turn quiet out of a sudden". Mikael laughed.

"Actually, we've known each other for a really really long time since we were little kids, and here we are, co-own this place". Mikael spoke fondly of it.

"But you guys have met Even already right? He's the one making these. I saw him serving you a while back".

"You mean that tall charming guy with the cutest smile ever?" Isak hurried cover his mouth but he couldn't shove his words right back in time, could he. 

'This is so embarrasing. Why did I say that.'

Not just Mikael, but Magnus and Jonas all turned their heads. Stunned, Shocked, and Surprised. Isak thought if only he could shrink himself into an ant and just disappeared. He hoped they didn't notice him blushing right now. He never said this kind of things out loud before. Mikael gave out a light chuckle, but then he turned a little more serious, though still retained a friendly gesture.

" I've heard a lot about you Isak, and I really don't care about who you date."

Isak found himself speechless. It seemed his reputation wasn't that great beyond the swimming arena. 

" But Even. Even is not someone for you to play around with. I hope you understand that. "   
  
Mikael sounded like an old school father, or a very protective brother, or a jealous ex-boyfriend all the sudden. That made him look too intimidating. Isak thought.

But he never thought Jonas and Magnas kinda sided with Mikael. So much from best friends.

" Other than that, I have nothing against you " and then Mikael smiled again.

" Good to hear ", Isak nodded and let out a light chuckle.

They were quiet for a moment until Magnus, the saviour, killed the awkward silence.

" Well, let assume if we want to just hang around with him as friends, will he be here everyday?" Magnus asked Mikael, and secretly winked at Isak. 

Thank you Magnus, you can really read my mind. 

Isak wanted to hug Magnus right now. But he wasn't sure if it was because he helped to save him from the embarrassment or because he helped Isak ask about the guy's working schedule, or maybe both. He thought it's both.

"Yes, of course, most of the days." He gave a hollow laugh. Mikael let out a deep sigh but composed himself quickly. Isak noticed that there was something behind that most of the days but he didn't ask any further.

"Well, I guess I'll let you all alone." He smiled and turned to look at Isak,

"Maybe you can come here more often Isak, you can help draw in more customers". Isak looked at him and laughed awkwardly.

As soon as Mikael left, Isak covered his face with his hands and leaned forward against the table.

" Fuck! That was embarrassing" 

"Dude, so that's what you've been up to". Jonas gave him the look that said Now I know why you keep looking at that direction. 

Isak thought for a moment. Mikael looked dead serious just now when talking about Even. 

"Are you still there?" Magnus knocked his head. 

"Shit! I just said that out loud about that guy Even" 

"Relax man..but that was a little too daring of you to say. You must really like this guy like, is it at first sight? I've never seen you say that kind of thing outloud before with all your previous boyfriends" He smirked.

"But be careful bro. Mikael looks like he'll kill you if you do what you always do with this Even guy. At least hold it for a year before you want to dump him.

"What!?" 

" You're a famous guy Isak, I'm sure he'll definitely come to you if you just let him know you're interested."

Athough Magnus said that, but Isak didn't think so. Even barely notice him. He can tell. _The guy just walked away..just like that._

  
..............

Isak decided to go back to the cafe almost a week later. The coach had been torturing them long enough, and now he finally had a week off. Thank god.  
He wasn't sure if the cafe would still be opened, or if Even would even be there today. It was almost eight. The cafes around the complex were all closed. He wouldn't be surprise if Even's also closed too. Yet, he decided to try his luck anyway, because the feeling was still strongly present. He wanted to see Even.

Isak finally reached, standing in front of the cafe. The sign had already changed to Closed but some lights were still on. 

'At this late hour, someone is still here? Must have been a hard working staff they have here.'

As Isak turned around and about to walk away, someone was walking towards the door. It was that guy Isak had been dying to see his face again 'Even'. 

That smile and that face, and how he was towering over him now. He was a really really tall guy.

Isak thought he, himself was pretty tall but Even was another level. With that posture and that face, Isak thought he could easily passed as a model. Isak felt that heat again on his face. The same heat he felt when he first looked at Even as he was serving the dishes. But today he looked a little different. He looked pale and a little sick. Is he feeling ok?"

"Hi, umm..we're actually closed, or are you looking for someone?" Even asked politely. His voice was even softer today, a little hoarse. 

"Uh..no actually. I thought your cafe is still opened." Isak blushed.

Isak could see Even tilted his head, looking at him, his clothes and his bulky gym bag. He felt a little exposed now like those pair of eyes just tore down every fibre on the fabric. 

"Did you just walk from the sports hall?" Even asked, a little curious.

"Um..yes. The cafes near the complex are all closed so I thought I try my luck here." 

Isak felt awkward saying that. It sounded a little too desperate, walking two kilometres for a cafe at night at this time, this weather. But all that awkward was replaced by a smile on Even's face.

"Then you should come in." Even opened the door and let Isak inside. 

Isak found the spot and seated himself down. Even made some coffee for him and disappeared into the kitchen. Isak heard some pretty bad coughs and he wanted to walk in and check on him, but he wasn't the staff so he decided not to intrude the space. 

Even came back out with three slices of.... pizza?

"I'm sorry. I thought I could whip up something good but I don't really have the energy to. I hope you don't mind the leftover pizzas from the afternoon..but I'm not going to charge anything." Even spoke in embarrassment. He gave a half smile and looked away to focus on something else.

"No.no. don't apologize, these are perfect. You letting me in to escape the weather is already more than enough. And this coffee is fantastic by the way". He lifted up the cup that was half empty. Isak didn't lie. Even made a perfect cup of coffee. 

Even's eyes lit up in relieve and looked back at Isak, "Well, I'll feel terrible if I didn't at least, offer anything and leave you empty stomach right? It's a pretty long walk." Even looked like he drew out all his energy to pull out a smile.

Even sat down opposite Isak, but he was looking out the window, eyes wandering around. Isak could only wonder what Even was thinking about. He stole a glance at Even every now and then, as to not make it too obvious and scared him away. And Isak also questioned himself why he was acting so soft with this guy sitting right opposite him.

"I actually came here with my friends last week if you remember. I was sitting right there", Isak pointed towards the table that him, Jonas, and Magnus were sitting.

Even looked at the table Isak pointed at, and turned back to him.

"Oh, I'm sorry I don't remember that".

Of course Even didn't remember. He didn't even take a second look at Isak. To him, Isak was just another nameless customer, which was opposite of what Isak used to. Normally, his dates would be really interested in him. They wanted to be with him without even needed to ask or say anything. But Even. He was different. Totally different. 

_Speaking of nameless_ , Isak almost forgot he should introduce himself. He was too busy looking at Even, he had to admit.

"Um..I'm Isak by the way"

"Even, just call me Even." Isak already knew his name but he just wanted to make it official that they both now knew each other's name. 

"I met Mikael that day" Isak took a bite on a pizza as he spoke.

"Ya, Mikael. He went out of town yesterday though, visiting his parents for two weeks. Finally, I will have peace alone in the apartment" He chuckled.

"So you'll be all alone cleaning up the place at night?"

"Pretty much that's what it's gonna be". 

That means Even would be alone at night and Isak could stop by everyday, since now he had a week off. It was very promising, the idea of spending time with Even after all the staffs finished their shifts. Isak blushed thinking about it. He gave himself a smile.

"Isak?" 

God! He loves how his name sounds when Even calls him

"Ya?"

"Why are you smiling at yourself?" Even was too curious for his own good. But Isak was not going to spill out what was inside his head again. It would be even more embarrassing to say it out loud directly to the guy.

"Nothing, I was just thinking about something. By the way, you should come to the complex sometimes to swim you know. It's very relaxing to be in the water"

Even was reluctant a little, "I.I don't. Well, it sounds stupid really, but I don't know how to swim". 

"What?, I mean didn't your parents teach you or send you somewhere to learn when you're young?". That was surprising. He knew there were still a number of people who couldn't swim but now he actually knew one. 

Even looked down, fidgeting with his fingers and shook his head No. 

Isak saw his eyes glistened and his body slightly shaken but he didn't understand why.

"I guess there are a lot of things I don't know how to and basically I'm not very good at many things. All those activity things, it wears me out and I can't.." Even didn't finish the sentence but he looked very very sad, and Isak didn't want to see that again.

"But you're good at making people happy and their stomach full. And this place that you run? It's fantastic!" Isak knew he should cheer him up from whatever Even was thinking right now.

" Ya, maybe". Even barely broke a smile, just a slight turned up at the corner of his mouth.

" So..Um..Is there any thing else I can get you?" Even asked out of a sudden.

" No, I'm quite full actually. My tummy is already warm." Isak rubbed his own tummy to show how full he was.

" And have you eaten? " Isak asked.

" No.. I thought I will probably eat the leftover after I finished all the cleaning but.. " Even looked at the empty plate on the table.

" What? Is the pizza your dinner? " Isak felt so guilty that he finished Even's dinner. He must be really hungry. This is so wrong and wrong. 

" Can I make you something?" Isak tried to think of what he can make beside burned omelette.

Even looked a little surprise. He tilted his head and ran his eyes on Isak from head to toe again, making Isak feel shy all the sudden.

" It's ok, I'd rather not." And he laughed.

" What? Do I look that obvious that I can't cook ?" Isak jokingly said, felt a little offended but Even was right. Until now he couldn't think of anything else beside burnt omelette.

" Maybe...But thanks for the offer though" Even replied with a soft tone in his voice, and he looked at Isak with a warm smile. Isak could feel that smile. The smile that warmed his heart.

" Even?" 

" Hmm?" Even took the empty plates from the table as he was about walking into the kitchen.

Isak wanted to ask him out like how he always asked other guys out. He was very confident. And so far everyone said yes. Noone ever rejected him before. But this time. It was the first time he felt a little unsure. Even would say ' No '. Isak could feel it in his guts.

" Is it ok that I come here tomorrow at this time ?"

Isak could tell that Even was a little reluctant to reply. 

" I. I think it will be boring for you to come here and watch me cleaning, you know? And it's quite late as well. Don't you think you'd rather be somewhere else? " He looked at Isak, still holding the plate.

The first rejection Isak ever got as expected. Not directly but that's what it sounded like. Even was different. But Isak was not going to stop at that. He really wanted to be here, spending time with Even, so he dude up a little.

" No. It won't be boring, really. And it's nice here. I. I won't mind watching you cleaning at all. If..If that's ok with you." 

Even was quiet for a few seconds.

" Ok, if you'd like that " he shrugged.

Isak was beaming inside. He didn't know why, but this simple 'ok ' from Even was the best thing he heard today.


	3. Chapter 3

It was dreadful this afternoon, Even thought. He wished Mikael were here to help him out. But he knew he shouldn't call and ask him to reappear again too soon. Mikael went back to his hometown to visit his parents afterall. In fact, Mikael did ask him to go together. But he couldn't bear to see his house again. It was just right oppposite. Even thought about it for a moment and decided to turn off the lights. He could go back to the apartment now that everything was done.

To think about it, Isak suddenly showed up with the whole platoon of his teammates at the cafe unannounced had overwhelmed him. A lot. There was too much noise for such a small place. He had to walk off once in a while to clear his head. He didn't really mind having many people around, which, of course, was supposed to be good, business wise. But he just couldn't stay inside for too long. It made him nauseous and dizzy. At one point he thought he was going to lose it until the phone buzzed in his pocket. And that put a stop to whatever that might had happend. Thanks to Mikael, who called in at the right time. Until next week that he would be back. And Even, as much as he liked his alone time in the apartment, he wished Mikael could be back earlier. With a heavy sigh, he headed out of the cafe

The cold wind hit him immediately once he opened the door. He rubbed his hands together quickly to keep himself warm. Although the three jackets did hold him well, he still felt that maybe he could use one more layer but that would look very weird on the bus like it wasn't already weird enough. 

Even sat down and huddled himself on the stone steps in front of the cafe just to gather himself before taking on a one-kilometre journey to the bus stop. He knew winter was approaching as he could feel his breath started to feel short more often. He could probably stay indoor and hybernate under the blanket longer before coming to the cafe.

He remembered the time when he still lived in the community home. Every winter, all the kids were having fun playing with snow for hours, while he felt too weak and exhausted. He could barely lasted an hour before he grew dizzy. The social worker had to rush him inside and gave him medications he much needed. 

A lot of his so-called friends shide away from him once they learned of his health conditions. And with his bipolar, he became Even, the untouchable. Noone really wanted to socialise with him because they scared he might suddenly turn crazy, or overboard, or depressed or just collapsed. A sick and a freak. But that was ok with Even, right? To have people hated him like his father, ran away from him like his mother. Afterall, he was always alone. His mind was his enemy, and his soul was his true friend, the one that never leave.

And Even knew. He knew he didn't have a chance of getting adopted, either. All he could do was to stand in his room and took a quick peak around the door just to see who would leave the place that day. One by one, and they just disappeared from his life. Who would want a weak boy, and a bipolar with a damaged heart for a son. He came to realise that he didn't need one, nor wanted one. Even if there was a miracle, he knew he could never give the love they wanted. Noone could ever break his heart or hurt him again, because he didn't give them a chance to. Even sat alone in his thoughts, and let the cold wind became his only comfort.

"Even!" 

He jumped. Even looked up and saw a shadow from a distance. He didn't know why, but his heart was pounding hard. But once the guy walked closer and closer towards him, Even sighed in relieve.

" Isak?"

" Hi Even" Isak had another day off before the training started again. But he was already here with his mates this afternoon. Why would he come back here again. now. at this late hour.

" Why are you back here again? Did you forget something?" Even could see that Isak was a little hesitated.

" Uh..No. I just want to come here and check on you". His eyes crinkled to a smile.

" Check on me?" Even laughed at the idea of having someone else other than Mikael check on him.

"I'm ok" He shrugged.

"I'm sorry about this afternoon" Isak looked intently at him.

Even had the idea that maybe Isak did notice that he wasn't comfortable at all this afternoon. Maybe his walking in and out every now and then, was a little too obvious.

"They can be pretty noisy sometimes" Isak suddenly said.

"No, it' fine, really. I guess I just feel tired, that's all"

He wasn't fine but that was going to be the answer for now. Even wasn't going to let people know that he felt agitated and he couldn't breathe in crowded place and all the noises were killing him. They were just too much. And Isak didn't need to know that. It was not his problem. Isak was just this famous swimmer that happened to pass by and wanted to play friends with him. 

"What's your plan tomorrow Even?" 

"Tomorrow?"

Even took out his phone and looked. Sunday. Tomorrow would be Sunday. He didn't have any plan yet. Even thought for a second. Tomorrow was going to be the day he could finally rest. 

"No. No plan..but I might just stay in and sleep". _and be miserable_ , Even thought for a second.

"Would you like to go to the farm...with me?" Isak hesitated a little.

"A farm? Like farm ..farm? with animal and stuffs?"

"Ya..like that, but it's a horse farm though."

Even was surprised that Isak was the kind of person who enjoyed these types of outings. And asking him to go along was pretty strange. They didn't know each other that well. Going to a farm required some road trips. Road trips meant a really daunting long coach ride. A really daunting long coach ride meant they had to talk. And Even wasn't the kind that wanted to talk and socialise much. He never had that except with Mikael, whom he could confide in at anytime. His parents,when they were still together, only brought him to a farm once and only to be left alone with the tour guide, while they were probably somewhere sniffing something or getting wasted somewhere. And only managed to pick him up after the closing hour. He had to wait there alone, on the bench, for three hours, outside the entrance. Bad experience. He let out a heavy sigh.

" Um..I don't know about that Isak. It's just.." 

" It's going to be fun Even. You'll love it!" Isak grinned and looked at him with hopeful expression on his face, and Even was not going to be the one who disappointed him, was he. He didn't like to make people feel sad. But at the same time, he wasn't feeling that well now too. Even thought for a moment. 

" Ok" and just that, Isak's smile grew even wider. Even noticed how happy Isak was, by just a simple 'ok' from him. He didn't understand why of all the people Isak knew, and he pretty sure Isak knew a lot of people, why asking him, this Even, instead. He was a boring person with a boring life. 

" Even?" 

" Even?"

" ..sorry..I got a little distracted." He gave Isak a warm smile, and shifted his gaze towads the river.

" And ..why are you still sitting here in front of the cafe?" Isak asked, trying to draw those pair of blues back to him once more.

" Um..I just need to rest a while." Even said, as he huddled himself tighter and let his eyes wandered off to the river again. He felt pretty embarrassed to be sitting in front of his own cafe and rest. But he knew he needed it.

Isak looked at the guy sitting right in front of him that had turned so small. The lines of worry drew across his face.

" Even ?" 

Even suddenly shifted his eyes from the river back towards him. A slow smile worked its way back across his face and into his eyes. Isak blushed immediately.

" Hmm? "

" Can I send you to the bus stop?" Isak asked in a soft voice, with a tiny smile at the corner of his mouth.

" Why would you want to send me to the bus stop? " As he was a little surprised to hear. Aside from Mikael, noone sent him to the bus stop before. 

" I have to walk that direction anyway, I could use some company though " Isak said with his gleaming eyes that were fixed intently on him.

Even nodded "Ok".

............

It was miserably quiet in the bedroom. Even immediately took of his jackets and tossed them on the floor before throwing himself in the bed, trying to nudge his way deep into the pillow and find some comfort he much needed. That night, for the first time in more than a week, he tossed and turned in bed in his own sweats. His peaceful sleep was interrupted by the nightmare. 

Even opened his eyes and stared into the darkness towards the ceiling. The laughing sound of his parents at the carnival were still ringing in his ears. He saw himself laughing and smiling until they lost his grip. His hands felt hollow and empty. The warm grips from his parents were immediately replaced by the cold wind against his palms. He kept crying and crying for his parents to look back and take his tiny hands, but they were too busy getting drunk and getting high. That white powdery thing worth more than him, Even. 

Even shifted his body slightly and his eyes now focused onto the wall. He kept staring at it blankly as the tears unintentionally seeping down his cheeks. He used his hand to wipe it away from his eyes, but he failed to suppress a sob. He closed his eyes again and wished that god was the one who wake him up in the morning.


	4. Chapter 4

Today was the day. Isak kept pacing himself in the room. He had got so nervous that his heart might popped out from his chest. Even would go on a date with him..No. Not really. Even didn't know that it was a date. But Isak would like to think otherwise. It cheered him up. And they would sit side by side on a coach for a good two hours. Isak hoped Even would love the horse farm. He knew the owner well. His parents always brought him there when he was little.   
  
_Fuck!_ He hoped he wouldn't ruin anything today. They were supposed to meet at the station at ten. He still had got some time to kill, maybe for a morning swim. Tomorrow his coach would start barking into his ears again. Perhaps he could do some warm up in the pool now. If he didn't clock the time well, Isak could only imagine a gruesome week. He decided to ask Jonas to meet him and maybe give some advice. 

..................

"Hey Isak!" Jonas greeted him in his swimming trunk, looking super sleepy.

"Hey!"

Isak knew Jonas didn't really want to come. Seven o'clock was still too early for the man. But Isak really need someone right now. He didn't want to ruin anything. He wanted everything to be perfect. Jonas gave him a good advice. Well. Not exactly.

"Just be youself, Isak" 

That was all he got from Jonas. Like he didn't already know that. But being himself meant he would end a relationship sooner than later, he would yell and quarrel with his boyfriends out of nothing. Isak knew his temper might not be one of his qualities. And he was not afraid to go at it with his then boyfriends.The quarrel that led Isak lost interest towards his respective partners. Isak, the one who would start a relationship and the one who ended it all.

But Even. He made Isak scare of making the wrong move for the first time. Even wasn't the same as other guys he'd dated. He didn't seem to acknowledge that he was a decorated swimmer. He didn't even flinch at the cafe where he first saw Isak, didn't even look back, and did't even try to seek his attention or anyone's attention at all. He was just being Even, and he treated Isak just like another customer. And now, this was the first time Isak felt unsure and frustrated that he would ruin it. He wasn't used to not getting attention, not at all.

"You really do like him right?" Jonas asked

"I don't know. It was just, my previous relationships, they were all into me like, really really into me until I got kinda irritated...and just ended up badly. But.. Even, he seems so unbothered. I don't know why." Isak frowned.

"So you mean you just want to win him over because he was like a challenge to accomplish, is that it?"

That was a good question he didn't have an answer. He just knew that there was this longing for this person. And his heart never beat this fast before just by talking about him or picturing him. _Isak was so screwed._

"And you're going to dump him later, just like what you did with your previous relationships? Didn't you remember how serious Mikael was when he said those things to you? So...my word of advice. If you're planning to end it like you always did, you'd better stop now. There are other fish out there that you can catch." 

Isak kept quiet as he felt like he was being judged. He knew he might not be the best kind of a boyfriend to anyone. But to hear it loud and clear was a little too harsh. 

" You know I still want to have my coffee at that cafe." Jonas said.

"Jonas. I think this time, it might be different". Isak felt very sure saying it.

"I heard that before..but..maybe you're right..you've never called me out like this and asking for my advice. That was something. And you never bring anyone to your favourite place before, you know? out of town? the farm or whatever. That is really another something." Jonas smirked and nudged him.

Isak blushed.

"Just shut up!"

.....................

Isak arrived fifteen minutes earlier and Even wasn't here yet. This was the first time he came earlier than his date. Or that was what he would want to call it. A group of young teenagers approached him for an autograph. This wasn't the right time, Isak thought, but he couldn't deny them too. Bad image. 

Isak looked up after signing and excused himself, Even was standing right at the corner, leaning against the wall, away from the crowd. _Even_. Even waived at him and smiled. Isak felt that heat that kept crawling up on his face again. The smile was for him, only him. Even looked so perfect. But he looked kinda pale too. Isak walked over to him, and this was the first time, to walk over to someone. Whereas, in the past, they would just ran towards him with their big fake smiles while trying to get attention from the cameras. But Even, he didn't move, didn't even budge. He just stood there, alone, far away from everyone. 

" Hi, Isak" He smiled. That smile that Isak loved to see, if possible, everyday.

" Hi! How long have you been waiting?" He asked.

" Um.. not that long. Don't worry about it" Even replied as he zipped up his jackets. It was quite windy though the sun was strong. Isak noticed that Even was shaking, even with two..three jackets. First time Isak saw someone wearing a hoodie and three super thick jackets all at once. 

  
The coach was quite packed with people who wanted to get out of the city. Even was sitting next to the window and listened to him talking about the farm and how his parents always brought him here every half a year. Isak really appreciated how Even never cut him off from talking too much, but listened with his full attention. He wondered, how this guy could be so perfect and yet had noone. And why he seems so far away, eventhough he was sitting right here beside him, shoulder to shoulder. His blue eyes kept wandering outside the window, reflecting the strong sunlight. Isak didn't know how long he kept stealing glances at the side of his face. But then Even suddenly turned back and looked at him, with the smile that could brighten up the darkest day, made Isak blushed and jumped a little. His face was very very close to him, and Isak could feel his own heart pounding.

"Isak?"  
  
"Ya?" Isak blushed and tried to hold his eye contact with Even.

"Is it ok I sleep for a while..didn't sleep much last night" 

Isak could tell. Even looked pale and tired. It was like his energy was drawn out of his system. And Even, still had his three jackets on and zipped up like it was still very cold even though the heater was on.

"Just sleep Even. I'll wake you up when we almost reach our stop." Just that, and Even adjusted himself and folded his arms together across his chest. He closed his eyes and faced the window. He looked a little uncomfortable.

"Is the sun too strong?" Isak asked

"Just a little" Still keeping his eyes closed but Even managed to reply, though his voice was so soft that Isak could barely hear.

"You can lean against me, it's ok". No reply from Even. But Isak decided to move his head away from the sunlight anyway and lean it against his shoulder. His forehead under his chin. Isak cupped the side of his cheek as to make sure his head wouldn't move when the coach experienced a few bumps on the road. He could feel the heat radiating through his skin. If Even was sick, he hid it pretty well.

The coach had finally reached the town. Everything looked pretty much the same as Isak remembered. It was a very small town but it had great scenery surrounded by hills and mountains. He did call the owner beforehand that he would visit the farm today so he would be expecting them and not leaving for somewhere else.

"Even, we almost reach the terminal" Isak nudged him lightly. Even still didn't want to move, so he shook his shoulder instead.

"Even, we're here", but still no movement. Isak shook him even harder.

" Even!" Isak's voice started to crack a little, he didn't know why. But Even still didn't move a single bit. Isak started to get panick. Isak shook his face instead.

" Even! Even!" Isak was now almost in full panick mode, he shook him harder and harder.

" Even! Wake up Even!" Even moved slightly and blinked his eyes opened. Isak with his brows drew together was just inches away from him. Even immediately pulled himself away from his shoulder. Isak was a little shock but collected himself quickly.

" Fuck! You scared the shit out of me!" Isak said with the water stuck at the corner of his eyes.

" Wh..What?" Even was a little confused. He didn't know what Isak was talking about.

" I thought you were.." Isak didn't want to continue, and Even didn't seem to bother to ask either, but he turned to face the window instead and his eyes grew big.

" Woww...There're so many mountains here." 

Isak still couldn't wrap his head around the feeling just a moment ago. He thought Even wouldn't wake up like, ever.

"You're such a deep sleeper!" He blurted out from frustration. Even stayed still for a while, then he turned around and look at him with a tender smile on his face.

" Am I?..Maybe just too tired, that's all" .

" And sorry" Even said.

" Sorry? ..about what?" Isak was pretty confused now why Even said sorry to him.

" I didn't know I was sleeping on your shoulder,...must be very uncomfortable for you, so.. I'm really sorry about that" Even finished the sentence and turned to glance out the window again.

Isak wished Even didn't say that. _Uncomfortable?_ He felt so comfortable that it made his heart glowed throughout the journey until he thought Even wouldn't wake up. His heart was still pounding so hard. He knew Even always looked kinda pale. The heat from Even just now made him even more frustrated. And yet, Even managed to bring out that smile, that beautiful smile on his face. 

...............

"This place is fantastic Isak" Even's smile grew bigger as they reached the farm. The farm was ginormous. A few horses were seen eating grasses on the hill. Some were at the hay stacks next to the stable. The fence was locked as to keep the horses from wandering out, so Isak ring the bell. He turned to see where Even was, but what he saw was, Even was climbing over the gate and ran towards the stable.

" Even!! Even!!" Isak shouted. But it seemed like Even didn't hear him at all. Isak had no choice but to do the same. He climbed over the fence and ran after Even. 

_Sorry Mr.Nilsen_

Even ran towards the stable and finally came to a stop, panting. He bent down, hands on his knees. Isak was just right behind him. He could hear Even breathing so hard like he was going to collapse.

" Even ? you ok?" Isak asked as he wanted to hear Even say something, just to make sure, he didn't know why. 

Even pushed himself up and turned to look at Isak, smiling broadly. Isak was pretty sure, all the blood was gathering on his face right now. Even looked so tired but at the same time looked so..so very happy.

"I've never run like this for quite a while now. It feels so good" Even grinned and laughed joyfully. Isak thought for a second that this trip was well worth it because that smile and that laugh were the best rewards Isak ever received.

He saw Even walking towards a horse just few metres from the stable, reaching out his hand wanting to touch the horse. 

" Stop!" Even froze. He pulled his hand back quickly and wanted to run away. But a man in his fifties walked out of the stable, holding Even by his arm and pulled him to the side of the horse.

" You don't stand directly in front of the horse, especially if you're not familiar" The man lifted Even's arm up.

" Open your hand" so did Even.

" Now rub it right here at the side of her neck, a little harder" 

Even nodded and he rubbed the horse by its neck

Isak took a quick glance at him. He was smiling, and Isak felt like Even was letting go of something and just be here, in the moment, in this farm. Even looked so relaxed.

"Now you can move to the chest" The man instructed him.

" Very good" 

The man turned towards Isak and smiled broadly.

" Hello Isak! you finally have time to come"

Isak blushed a little. He admitted it'd been quite a while now since his last visit.

" Hello Mr.Nilsen..and sorry about this" Isak looked at Even who still paid full attention to the horse. " For climbing over the fence"

" It's alright. Your friend never been to the farm much?" He asked

" I think it's pretty obvious right?" Isak laughed 

" And what is this young gentleman's name?"

" This is Even" Isak nudged Even a little just to get his attention. Even turned around and bobbed his head at the man.

" Hi " Even smiled.

" You love horses Even?" the man asked

" I think I do now" 

Isak swore to god that his smile could brighten anyone's soul.

" You're probably the first friend Isak ever brought here"

Isak's face turned so red. He wished Mr.Nilsen didn't say that. It made him feel very shy all the sudden. He could see how surprise Even looked, but Even didn't say anything. 

" Son?" Mr. Nilsen called Even. Even suddenly stood frozen.

" Well, you should wear this". He grabbed a hat and put it on Even's head.

"The sun is pretty strong here, you need to wear this". He smiled at Even gently. Isak saw the horse moved his head nearer to Even and nudged him.  
Even jolted. And Mr.Nilsen laughed.

"I think she likes you, son". The warm smile spreaded across the old man's face as he placed his hand on Even's shoulder. He didn't move away. He just stood there, frozen.

" Well..you feel free to visit here anytime.", Then he turned towards Isak.

" I had to go run some errands, will you help me watch the farm for a short while?"

" Yes, of course" Isak smiled broadly. He thought for a second that now it would just be him and Even...well maybe, also the horses.

As the man left, Isak saw Even just stood there, didn't move an inch. He could see his eyes glistening. 

" Even? Is everything ok? " Isak didn't understand what went wrong, but he could hear Even sniffled.

" Ya, I. I'm fine. It's perfect. It really is, perfect". His voice was low and it sounded a little broken.

.....................

  
Isak showed Even his horse riding skill for a full two hours. He was still sitting on a horse while slowly approaching Even, who stood leaning against the fence.

"Would you like to learn?" He asked enthusiastically, but Even was a little hesitated.

"Um..no, I'd like to try but I don't..I don't think I can, I'll have to pass. Thanks for the offer." 

But Isak had a better idea to get Even closer.

" Would you like to sit on one? You can hold on to me. I won't go fast. Promise" 

" Really? But aren't both of us too big to sit on one horse?" Even seemed interested but still not confident.

" Nope, that won't be a problem at all" and Isak let Even climbed up and sat behind him.

" You just hold on to my waist ok?" 

Even nodded and his hands slowly wrapped around Isak. Isak blushed..hard. He could feel Even's breath behind his neck. His heart was beating like a ferrari. He didn't know if Even felt the same. But he doubted that, as Even kept looking left and right like a little kid who was on the back of a horse for the first time. 

They were riding closed to half an hour and It's getting hot from the late noon sun. Isak jumped a little when Even's face fell on his back, his body was a little unsteady behind his back, and his grip was a little too lose on his waist.

"Even?" Isak slowed down the horse. Even didn't reply, and Isak started to get a little worried because he couldn't see Even, and what condition he was in right now.  
  
"Even?" He tried to call again. But this time Even responded.

"Ya, I'm sorry I lean against you..I'm just a little exhausted" 

His reply was soft but still audible. Isak brought the horse to a full halt and climbed down. He helped Even down from the saddle as the guy looked too weak as if he was going to collapse.

" Are you ok? Maybe we can rest there" Isak pointed towards a tree that looked more shaded. Even nodded.

They sat down for a while and he saw Even moved a litte further away from him, and lay down on the grass and closed his eyes. 

" Thank you Isak for bringing me here. I have a very good time" His eyes still closed, but he was smiling.

" Sure. We can come back here anytime whenever you want" 

" I think I could actually live here " Even said in a very low and soft voice.

" You could?" Isak was surprise to hear that.

Even nodded slightly .

" But there's nothing here" Isak looked around the empty field. A few horses were seen eating grasses from a distance. The nearest town was closed to two kilometres away.

" I know" 

" And you can't even ride a horse!" He joked.

" I know" 

Isak kept stealing glances at him until Even suddenly turned his face and stared back right into his eyes. It made Isak felt like his face was wearing a jacket right now because it felt so warm against the cold wind. He didn't know what Even was looking for on his face. It was like he was searching for something, and then that tired face shifted to look at the shaded tree above.

" Can I tell you something Isak?" Even suddenly spoke out. Isak moved his body a little closer but not too close. He had learnt that Even was a little strange when it came to closeness.

" Anything Even, you can tell me anything." Isak couldn't be happier as Even finally wanted to tell him something.

" I.I..I am bipolar" Even said as his body tense up and turned away to the other direction, facing the big field with his eyes closed.

Isak was speechless for a moment. He was thinking about this mental illness as he read from somewhere, perhaps from a pamphlet during his yearly health check. He didn't know much about it but he knew it's not going to kill Even. He could deal with it.

" I'm ok with that Even" Isak looked at the tired guy that suddenly shifted his body back to face him.

" Thank you." That's all Even said before he drifted into sleep.

Hearing Even telling his secret, made Isak felt a little closer to him. And with his smile and his laugh throughout this whole afternoon, made Isak realised that nothing could ever compare to the feeling he had right now.

After a while, Isak thought Even must have fallen into a very deep sleep. He decided to move closer and just watched him. Isak took off his jacket and covered him as he saw that his body was shaking. As Isak lay down beside him, he couldn't help but wondered if Even felt the same way he did.


	5. Chapter 5

He sat on a chair, wearing just a white T with a grey lounge pants, resting his chin on both palms, and gazed at the conspicuous folds of the curtains, where not even a lost sunbeam could enter the room, as tears escaped his eyes without apparent reason. For a whole week now, it had been cold and dark and dreary with gloomy thoughts lurking on his mind. And no matter how much the thing inside him wanted to scream and shout for someone to pull him out, it never managed to pass those lips.

His eyes shifted away from the curtain and landed on his wrist. He looked at it closely as if he was searching for something. The artery, the vein of love, connected to his heart. The thing that kept him alive but more so, miserable. Even thought for a moment.

_If he were to cut it deep enough, only three millimetre beneath those layers of skins, he could reach that.The pain would only instil for a moment but the freedom would last for eternity. He didn't have to fight for his life everytime he suffocated. He was a dying soul that kept on living. Maybe it is time to stop. Maybe it's like what his mother said. He wasn't supposed to be born. She was right, Even was never meant to live._

Even took a cutter knife out from the drawer, and started to put the sharp edge of the blade against his skin. _Just a slit_ , he could do it fast but it had to be deep. He thought for a second, if he died, what would be of Mikael? He looked away and his eyes fell on some photos that laid beside all the sharp objects in the drawer. 

His gaze focused on those photos. He kept staring at them like he was trying to travel back in time. He wanted to live in that moment. Photos of their family gathering, him and Mikael when they were very little with their parents. His mother looked happy holding him while he was sleeping. His father gazing down on him with blissful joy. They loved him. _They loved Even. And if his parents loved him, why would they put themselves in a position to lose him._

His gaze then fell upon photos of him and Mikael. Many of them.They were smiling. They were laughing. They looked so happy and carefree. Even was happy then. Why couldn't he be happy now? 

His thoughts were twisted and turned in that loop, until he took a deep breath in and stopped for a second. His hand that was holding the knife started to shake, then something snapped him right out of it. He looked at the cutter knife on his wrist and immediately lifted it off from his skin and tucked it away deep inside the drawer. He huddled himself on the chair, shaking, while his eyes kept staring at that drawer. That was the scariest thing he could ever had on his mind. The sickly feeling settled in his stomach. He coughed and coughed again until his face broke out into profuse sweats, and immediately ran into the bathroom. He stood in front of the basin, turned on the tap, while avoiding the mirror above it, and kept splashing his face with icy water as if he was trying to freeze any liquid that wanted to escape his eyes. And only after a while that he stopped and climbed into the bathtub and curled himself up just to drift into sleep.

Even didn't know how long he had been sleeping. But as soon as he opened his eyes and tried to shift his position, his knees felt so stiff and his legs felt so cramp that he could barely moved. And when he managed to, he just lay awake facing blankly to the ceiling, breathing in and out, as he was slowly coming out from the abyss. Suddenly, someone buzzing on his apartment, and he immediately winced his eyes after his leg hit the faucet while trying to get out of the tub. He walked to his room, slightly uncomfortable, and looked at his phone. Tuesday, seven in the evening. And it had been this way these past few days that someone would come ringing on his unit. But he hadn't had enough energy nor will, to look out to the window to see who disturbed his solitude. Sometimes, he even believed he was still dreaming. But right at this moment, it seemed the flow of his negative thoughts had slowly come to a halt. The furniture didn't look as dull as it was. The colour seemed to find its way back to the wall. The apartment felt more breathable.

Even drew the curtain opened and saw a figure next to the buzzer. It was difficult to see from the night sky. He only knew the figure kept shuffling its feet. That figure moved forward and showed his full form. _Isak?_ What was he doing here, and how he knew he lived here, and how long had he been standing creepily there?

But whatever questions Even had on his mind right now, it was impossible to act as if he didn't see him. Isak knew that he saw him from the way he walked nearer while waving his hand, and gesturing him to open the door. Maybe, Isak was the one that had been ringing on his door for the past few days. Even thought.

But why? Was Isak angry that he didn't show up at the training centre the other day? to watch the competition among his teammates few days ago?

Even knew he had sort of agreed to be there, but he couldn't predict the future that he would feel like shit a day after the farm visit. He felt too exhausted and he wanted to be left alone. 

Even knew he wasn't ready to talk to anyone just yet. But it was impolite if he were to ignore him. And since Isak made him felt so happy that day, the only repay he could give for now was, letting him in. It was incomparable to what Isak did for him, but that was all he could give now.

Even took a deep breath, walked to the door, and pressed the button to let him into the building. He kept staring at the door as his heart was pounding. He didn't understand why he felt so scared of having someone coming up to his door. Maybe it was his first human contact after days of agonizing thoughts. 

Even opened the door and found Isak staring at him, looking a bit shocked. He could understand that face. He knew he looked strained and drained of energy, and his eyes were a little teary and lack of life, and his hair looked like he had just escaped and ran away from a storm. He looked lost, unwashed and unkempt.

Isak brought his sense back in split second and smiled at him. 

" Hi Even!" He smiled at him as if nothing's wrong. And Even appreciated that. He didn't like to be judged or pitied at. 

"........" Even cleared his throat. He hadn't spoken for days, and it was difficult for him to mutter out something. He just forgot how to speak for a second before words slipped out of his mouth.

".. uh..hi.." and he cleared his throat again. Even gesturing him to come in as he wasn't comfortable speaking just yet, and he still looked a little confused.

" Uh..how..why..h.how do you know..where I live?" 

" You didn't come that day, so I went to your cafe" Isak said. Even nodded a little. They walked to the kitchen and sat on bar stools as Isak continued.

" And I found out from one of your staffs that you won't be in for maybe a week or two, so I just have a hunch that something's wrong. Um..that's when I asked for Mikael's number." 

Even nodded. " So you.you're the one been buzzing my door these few days I suppose"

" Yes..it's me..and how are you now? Better?" Isak looked at him and smiled awkwardly.

" Ya...ya..I.I think I am." Even replied but he kept avoiding his gaze, and focusing on the detail of the fridge instead.

" And Mikael?" Isak asked. 

" He..he'll be back tomorrow." Even smiled slightly. Although he would lose his alone time but he was happy that Mikael would finally be back.

He felt a little embarrassed when he realised that he had nothing else to offer except hot coffee and some pathetic looking leftover salad, but Isak didn't look like a salad kind of person. Afterall, due to his health, he was recommended not to take snacks which he used to love when he was younger. Mikael would only buy those things when he knew someone was coming over. But this.this was a little unexpected, out of a sudden.

" Sorry, I.I don't have anything else" 

" It's ok..but have you eaten? you wanna go grab something together?"

Even hesitated a little as Isak was staring at him eagerly and waiting for him to say something, or some magic to happen. He didn't feel like facing the world just yet, not when he still felt like he just landed on earth. But Isak came all the way here and he didn't want to disappoint him either.

Even nodded, and Isak immediately smiled. It always amazed him how easy it was to just nod and Isak would immediately returned him with a smile.

.....................

It was very windy on the way back that the ice cream they bought almost got stolen by the gust from their hands. while Isak almost finished his. Even slowly indulged it like it was a precious gem. He quickly licked the side to right it, when it started to slump on one side. He was determined to not let a single delectable creaminess dropped on the pavement. It had been quite a while since his last taste of this divine creation. He knew he wouldn't get a chance if Mikael was around.

" So why don't you go with Mikael and visit your parents? Aren't you guys from the same town?" Isak was a little curious.  
  
Even kept quiet for a second. His shoulder tense up. " Yes, we are. It's just, I don't have a reason to." He shrugged.

" Don't you miss your parents?" Isak asked

" No, I don't." Even replied at once. But he was breathing harder and he looked so tense that it looked like he was going to either explode or breakdown. He walked quietly avoiding eye contact as he kept looking down to the ground. Isak glanced at him every now and then. 

Even finally looked up but he was looking elsewhere aimlessly as he breathed out.

" It's just.I don't have parents. I used to, but I'm not sure if I ever actually have one." He frowned and dropped his eyelids to the ground again.

" E.Even. I'm sorry I didn't know you were.." Isak looked at him, felt a bit guilty that he brought it up.

" No, it's ok. It really is nothing." Even forced out a smile.

He knew it wasn't Isak's fault. Afterall, he never really told him much about himself. He didn't have any reason to. It wasn't Isak's problem to know every single detail about him. And if he were to tell him everything, Isak would leave him. He would be like the rest, thinking that he was too pathetic to befriend with because he would just collapse anytime his heart gave in or his asthma came for a visit. He didn't want that. And so far, Isak had been a better friend than he was. Isak had so much to give, but he, Even, he had nothing to offer. He didn't go out much. He couldn't enjoy many activities. And who would want that for a friend. He himself, wouldn't even want to be his own friend.

They were walking quietly for a while until Isak broke out the silence.

" You should come to our practice sometimes" Isak suddenly asked.

" Huh?" Even was a little confused.

" Well, I was thinking maybe I could teach you how to swim. Maybe next week if you'd like? " Isak asked. He blushed a little, but at the same time, he looked dead serious about it. Isak was a national swimmer after all.

Even nodded. He didn't know why he nodded when he should shake his head _No_. Perhaps, it was just a reflex. Theoretically, He might like the idea of swimming, but not so much of the actual swimming. He didn't think it's going to work. Isak would have the most difficult student ever. 

The thought of going into the pool already made him nauseous. He could picture how he would tire himself out and the worst case scenario would follow. That would be misserable, in front of Isak, a guy who had the medal hanging around his neck. Even shoved that thought away as fast as it came in. No way he would go in to the pool. Besides, he had his mind he can swim into. There's no need for an actual pool for him to drown.

...............

They had been walking for a while now, against the strong gusty winds. Even started to feel so cold that he was thinking of hiding somewhere. He hugged himself tightly, and noticed Isak was walking nearer against his shoulder as if he knew. Even smiled a little, barely noticeable. But he didn't move away. It was too cold anyway. They chatted all the way until they saw his apartment, and they stopped.

" Ok. Umm..thank you Isak. I do feel a lot better now...and.. I don't know why you came...but thanks anyway." Even said, holding a faint smile on his face. He felt so much better now. Perhaps it was from a shot of ice cream. 

" I just wanted to come here..And believe me, noone forced me" Isak laughed, and he looked at the taller figure in front of him, " So..I'll see you tomorrow?"

" Can it be Friday instead? I just want to spend some time with Mikael"   
  
He missed Mikael. He knew it was only two weeks and he enjoyed his quiet moment, but it was getting more and more boring. He needed someone that he could talk to without worry of being judged. He gave Isak an apologetic smile, and it seemed Isak received it too well.

" I really liked it when you smile" Isak said as he walked nearer and trying to close the gap between them. 

Even felt a little uncomfortable. Isak was too close. There was a stir in his stomach that he could not explain, and he wasn't sure if he liked the feeling. Without hesitation, he took a step or two back to keep that distance. It was to signal Isak that he should stay where he was and not to come any closer. It usually worked, and it did, because Isak stopped immediately. Though Even could see a trace of disappointment on his face. 

Even stood there in front of the apartment until he could no longer see Isak within his sight, then he let himself back in. He went straight into his room looking at his bed and thought that maybe it was time to change to a new set of sheets. He had tormented this one long enough. He started to pull out all the covers, leaving them naked and cold, and stuffed the sheets into the washer. Once again, he walked back into the room but he had no will to put the new set on just yet, so he found his way into the bathroom, and immediately jumped when he saw his own reflection looking so dishevelled and his hair was so messy. But just a little while back, _Isak_. Isak didn't say anything. Not even a word. Even climbed himself into the bath tub as he sat down with knees to his chest. He was hugging himself thinking of the moment just now, when Isak was getting too close to him. How he felt something in his heart but he shouldn't and he couldn't allow that. He knew it only led to pain. He didn't want this feeling inside him. Not anymore.

  
...................

It was Friday. He told Isak that he would come here. He didn't understand himself why he came either. But Isak told him that he would like to show him something. And here he was, arrived in one piece unscattered against the two kilometres of walking from his warm cozy cafe and out to the freezer. He should have learnt how to ride bicycle, but fear took the best of him. Besides, riding on a two wheeler was not his favourite choice of transportation. He preferred to have his feet on the ground. It was sturdy. It was safe. And there was no point of taking bus either since the nearest bus stop was almost half way through.

Even noticed a swarm of fans in the main hall area. Perhaps an autograph session from someone famous. He wasn't sure and he didn't want to know. He only knew too much noises and echoes in the main hall made him felt a little dizzy. He quickly used inhaler to calm down his nerves, and about to text Isak.

"Even?"

Even looked up. Isak. The worst time when he still tried to hold himself together in one piece.

"Umm..Hi..uh..why are you at the hall?" Even asked, trying to look not as tired as possible.

" Autograph session, and also I need to submit this yearly medical check up report to the emergency unit, but seems like I have no time yet" Isak sighed, showing the report book to Even. 

Even looked at it, all healthy. What a lucky bastard. He thought. 

" I'll have to practice a few laps later. Would you like to join me?" Isak asked while keeping his gaze on him. 

" Sure, but..but can I sleep there too?" Even felt awkward asking that, but he knew he needed to sleep and rest now and then, definitely didn't want to pass out. Too embarrassing.  
  
Isak looked at him in disbelief. 

" You're unbelievable Even! " Isak laughed out loudly "I thought when I asked you to join me, you're supposed to stay awake." He giggled, " But sure, you can sleep on the bench if you don't mind" Isak smiled in amusement at the guy in front of him. 

Even nodded, just to admit to himself how weird it sounded, but he could make up for it.

" I can help you pass the report to the office if you don't mind" Even asked.

Isak was a little surprised but definitely happy as it obviously showed on his face. 

" Would you?" He asked.

Even nodded. It wasn't a rocket science. He could definitely managed.

" Ok. Um, thank you Even." He blushed a little out of embarrassment.

" It's ok, really." He said. 

Isak passed him the report and pointed him the way to the office. They would meet again at the hall after the autograph session.

  
.........................

Even finally walked into the medics main office, feeling so exhausted. He didn't know it was at different building and he didn't understand why medical office was on the fourth floor, while emergency rooms were on the first floor. He needed a nap later, preferrably soon. He could see a few groups of medics gathering around, talking. He held his breath and walked through the crowd right away and put the report at the reception counter.

" You're not supposed to put it there!" 

A man was shouting at him so loud that made Even immediately jumped and almost dropped himself to the floor when some strong hands pulled him up just in time. Even was a little confused as he had no idea that his legs had already given way. He turned around and swore to himself that he thought he was the tall one, the giraffe one. But this guy was even giraffe -er than him, by a few, he thought.

" You're alright?" He asked.

" Uh..yes, thank you" Even said, feeling really embarrassed. He could feel the gaze on him, of which he returned his gaze, hoping the guy would back off, but the guy continued to blatantly stare at him. Even broke it off by looking at the door instead.

Even soon realised that the person still had his hands wrapped around firmly on his arms. He immediately broke his grip and stepped back. He wanted to make himself disappear from this room as fast as possible, but the even taller guy stepped right in front of him.

" So you're just gonna leave it here?" The guy pointed at the report that was still left on the table.

" But isn't this the place to submit?" He asked in a low voice while looking at the sign that said 'medical report submission/ all atheletes'. 

" Nah. The person in charge just changed to another room. The guy pointed at the direction down the hallway. 

_Great,_ Even thought. He slowly walked down the hallway but the guy was still following him closely behind. It made him frustrated with chills down his spine. 

" You look familiar" He said. Even stopped for a brief second, tried to think. But nothing came into his mind.

" But I don't know you. I think you got the wrong person." Even replied.

" No. I think I saw you a few times somewhere" He said.

" I still think you got the wrong person" and Even paced himself even faster away from the guy.

Once Even put down the report, he hurried himself out right away. He didn't like how this guy kept watching him. Looking at him as if he knew him, which was impossible, because Even had never seen him before in his life.

......................

The sky was getting dark quicker than it normally was as winter had arrived. The incandescent lights in the pool had been switched on. Most people had left the pool, and only left a few at another corner.

" How deep is it?" Even asked as he sat down with his legs crossed near the edge of the swimming pool.

" Three metre, more or less" Isak looked down to the bottom of the pool below his feet, and then his eyes found their way home to the one sitting above him.

" Would you like to..?" Isak made a gesture with his hand, inviting Even to join him. " You can hold on to me." Isak said, as his eyes were gazing directly into his. Even avoided that gaze immediately.

" Uh..I don't have any gear or shorts with me. I don't think I should enter the pool though" 

Even thought about it for a second. He never planned to buy any of those things. He had no reasons to get one. But now, he might consider owning one. As scared as he was, it was still quite tempting, to be able to swim. He had been emotionally drown all his life. Perhaps physically, he could finally be on the surface, just for once. Afterall, Isak Valtersen himself had volunteered to teach him something that he should know long time ago. But he wasn't sure how patient Isak was going to be. If Mikael failed to teach him, he didn't think Isak could either. He wasn't an easy one to teach.

Even lay down on his side by the edge of the pool, watching Isak dove in and swam several laps before emerging, only to find him went back down again. He felt relaxed enough as he fell asleep. But it wasn't long before he felt water all over his face. As he opened his eyes just a little, he saw Isak laughing at him while kept splashing water onto his face.  
  
" You're up??" He asked. His smile broardened into a grin as he saw Even opened his eyes.

Even laughed just a little, " You keep splashing water on my face. Of couse I'm up!" 

Even sat up, hugging his knees. " Is this how you're gonna teach me how to swim?" He said with a cocky grin.

" Well, you have to get used to the water first" Isak said, as he slowly disappeared into the pool. 

Even moved on hands and knees towards the edge of the swimming pool. He was slightly shaking nervously as he leant down to see where Isak went. And as his face got closer to the water, he saw Isak suddenly emerged from the pool that their lips touched each other. Isak was very shocked as was Even, who immediately froze. He retreated back further and further away. He was confused and his eyes were wide as if he'd just seen a ghost. Isak immediately pushed himself out of the pool and approached Even who was still staring aimlessly straight.

" Even?" Isak looked him in the eye but Even heard nothing. His mind was blank. He just kept staring straight. 

" Even?" Isak called him again and shook him slightly, and that was when Even seemed to retrieve his soul back into his body. He turned to look at Isak who was just right beside him, and he jumped.

" Even, you ok?" 

Isak was quite startled to see his reaction. Even looked at him until he finally came to his senses.

" Uh..ya.I.I'm ok. I'm sorry. I shouldn't get near to the pool." Even looked away and focused on the swimming pool overflow drainage. 

" Even?" Isak called him to get his attention, but it didn't seem Even was going to look at him anytime soon.

" Even. I.I'm sorry too, I didn't know you were there" Isak said as he still kept his gaze on him.

It took a few minutes that the lost Even slowly turned back to the found Even. He slowly brought out a smile on his face and looked at Isak. It made Isak blushed a little.

" Weird accident!" and he laughed out slightly. Isak looked at him and he broke out into a laugh too. " Ya, weird accident."

They sat there for a while until everyone left, and it became eerily quiet that made Even pretty uncomfortable.

" So.....you said you wanna show me something?" Even asked.

" Y.Yes! Hang on a second." 

Even saw Isak got up and disappeared to somewhere, and suddenly all the lights were switched off, left only the moonlight that shone through the glass roof panels above him. He heard Isak came running back and sat beside him.

" Look up Even." Isak said. 

Even looked up and his mouth opened in awe. He slowly lay back on the floor looking up to the sky above him through the giant glass panel. Isak immediately lay down just beside him. Even didn't move away as he was too mesmerized by the sparkling tiny things in the sky. Although, it was a little cloudy, but some parts were cleared out as the stars beginning to twinkle and showed their true brilliance. 

" You know Isak...sometimes.. the stars make you forget how dark the night actually is." Even said as he gazed at the twinkled things up above.

Isak suddenly looked at him in surprise but smiled fondly at the man lying beside him " Didn't know you're so poetic."

" I'm not" Even let out a light chuckle, " Come to think of it, I think I'm like the dark sky, and you are the stars." 

" Even.. why do you say that?" Isak frowned.

Even tense up a little. He knew his mind was never at the right place. He always lived in the dark. Scared to live and scared to die. He never had control of his life. His bipolar could come and go as it pleased. His heart could suddenly just stop functioning properly and left him suffocated. His asthma could suddenly attacked him when he was too excited or too agitated. His mind had been taken over. His body had been taken over. Even thought, he was just a wandering soul that took a refuge in someone else's body. He wanted to play, he wanted to enjoy life but his body had a better plan for him. Even sighed softly.

" Nothing..it's just a stupid metaphor" He giggled. He kept quiet for a moment and turned to look at Isak who had been gazing at him all along.

" But.but you help put some lights into it." He said and smiled fondly at him.

" And I don't know why you're being so nice to me when you shouldn't."

" Even.. because I.I.." But before Isak could mutter out what he wanted to say, Even interrupted him.

" Noone did this kind of thing for me before. Thank you Isak. for. being such a good friend." He looked at Isak for a while, trying to fight against something in his head and immediately shifted back to face the night sky.

He knew his heart was yearning for something. But he knew he couldn't let himself fall into that trap again. 


	6. Chapter 6

As far as he knew, swimming had always been his passion. He knew he was good at it. In fact, he was good at most sports since he was young. He loved the challenge. He loved the adrenaline that rushed through his body every once in a while. It made him feel alive. He loved how people chanting his name. He loved the attention he received when he walked out to the arena. It gave him more power, more energy, more confidence.

But right now. At this particular moment. He hated it. He didn't like the attention he was getting now, not one bit. Because it didn't give him more power, nor energy. On the contrary, it drained everything out of him. His confidence from a hundred had spiralled down to a zero by just one observing look from this particular person. Mikael.

Speaking of Mikael, he'd been back for a while now. And he kept much attention on Isak. That made him really uncomfortable. The look Mikael had given him wasn't the passionate kind for sure. It was very intimidating and scary. And it made Isak feel nervous. Especially now that they were sitting right opposite each other while Even was busy behind the kitchen door. And although, he had Magnus, his wingman as a distractor. It didn't seem like Mikael would take his eyes off him anytime soon.

And Isak, he was here just to see Even, a guy that was full of secrets. Always kept distance. Always felt uncomfortable. Always looked weak and fragile. But also, always made his heart beating so fast everytime he looked at that face. Isak knew he was never this gentle or this soft, with any of his previous short lived relationships. 

Isak sighed out quietly. He really wanted alone time with Even and he wanted to ask him out for a walk. But Mikael. The biggest obstacle ever in his life was staring at him suspiciously. He probably needed a breather right now. Isak wanted to excuse himself to the men's room but..

" Hey Isak ! " 

A familiar voice calling his name. As Isak turned around, it was Thomas, one of his not so closed friends, or he would like to think of this guy as enemy. They trained together sometimes. He was a very determined person, but he was also very impulsive and very flirty. The very same person Isak complained to Jonas and Magnus about. The one that he almost fought with when he tried to steal one of his dates at the pub. But Isak let it slide because this idiot was pretty drunk.

The guy approached their table and stood right beside Isak with a wide grin on his face. He looked around and stopped at the pair of blues that just walked in. His gaze roving all over his face. Isak saw how uncomfortable Even looked. 

" Hey Thomas! " Magnus greeted him.

" Hey Magnus, how are you? " 

" Good good! I think it's getting a little more interesting here ".

Isak looked at Magnus, couldn't believe what he just heard. His wingman just betrayed him. But right now, at this moment, all he could think of, was to make sure that this Thomas, should just disappeared from his sight. 

" Aren't you going to introduce him? " Mikael asked. curious.

" Umm..this is uh.Thomas." He greeted Mikael with a smile and his eyes suddenly fell on the tall figure that was just about to sit at the table.

" You're not going to intoduce them, Isak?" The guy asked. Isak breathed out. loud, not very happy.

" Ok. This is Mikael.. " Isak just wanted to stop at that. Mikael greeted him briefly before excused himself to the cashier.

" And who is this?" Thomas looked at the tall man that just about to sit down at the table.

" This is...uh.. Even." 

Isak didn't feel comfortable introducing Even at all. He didn't want Thomas to be near him, talk to him, smile at him, touching him. Isak could see how Thomas looked at Even. His penetrating gaze just prowled over his face and pounced on his eyes. Isak didn't like that one bit. He didn't want Thomas to mess with his boyfriend. _Boyfriend?_ That was what he wished how it would turn out to be with Even in the very near future. He could only hope.

" You're Even!" Thomas said while his intense gaze fixed upon him.

Even looked up, nodded slightly and smiled dryly at him. Thomas extended his arm out for a handshake. Even hesitated a little but extended his hand to meet that palm in the end. Isak didn't like how Thomas looked right into that pair of blues, like he was trying to find something, or curious, or just wanted to flirt with him. His thumb started to stroke the back of Even's hand. Isak could only smile in his head when Even pulled his hand out from his grip within seconds after he did that and immediately looked away. Seemed like Thomas couldn't charm Even at all.

However, that didn't deter Thomas one bit. 

" Even.Is it ok that my friend and I sit here?" He asked 

Even was a little agitated, " Um.."

 _No way. Bad idea_. Isak thought. The longer he was here, the longer he would dig into his future boyfriend's life. Not in a million years that he would allow him to sit here at the exact same table, especially with Even still sitting with his perfect posture right opposite.

" No!" _That was a little too loud_ , Isak thought. Everyone's eyes were on him now.

Thomas startled a little then he cracked into a smile.

" So..this is the guy that you.."

" What are you doing here anyway, Thomas?" Isak asked

Isak knew, he needed to say something before Thomas ruined everything for him. Afterall, it should be coming out from him not from a flirty third party whom Even barely knew. He was planning to tell Even how he felt. He just needed the right moment. And definitely not just as friends as what Even told him for sure.

 _Friend._ The word was still pretty much ringing in his ear. Even just thought of him as a good friend, while he was already thinking to take over the moon for the guy, sitting beautifully right across him. It had been too long overdued. He never had to wait this long before in his whole life, to be with someone. But again, for Even, his heart was shielded by something that he couldn't get to. And Isak felt like he was living in a maze, trying to find the way to retrieve his prize, _Even's heart._

" I'm just here with my friend for a coffee actually. We're heading to a nearby festival. I see your teammates will be there too." He said pointed towards the direction where his friend was. 

" Never thought I'll see you here instead." He chuckled, " But from your reaction, I think I know why." He lifted an eyebrow and kept his gaze at Even. 

" Shouldn't you be going back to your friend?" Isak asked, wanting him to hurry go away, and it seemed Thomas could sense that. He smiled a little.

" Righttt....Ok, if that's what you want." He said. But before he left he took a quick glance at Even once more. " It's nice to meet you Even, I really hope to see you again..soon"

Even just took a peek at him before shifted his eyes away to the window, feeling disturbed.

A silence called upon the table until...

" Woah..can you believe that guy, isn't he as interesting as always! " Magnus said.

Isak turned his head towards him in disbelief what he just heard.

" What?" Magnus said as he still couldn't figure out what he said wrong. And Isak wondered why he was one of his best friends after all.

" I. I'm gonna go take a walk for a bit, I'll be right back" Even managed to pull out a smile on his face. 

Mikael who just walked back to the table grabbed his hand. " Where are you going?"  
  
" Just nearby, I'll be right back"

" ..Do you want me to go with you?" 

" No Mikael. I.I just want to walk alone if it's ok." He left without looking at anyone.

Isak sat uncomfortably opposite Mikael for a few minutes before he excused himself out and let Magnus do his wingman duty with Mikael.

Isak walked hastily in seach of the tall figure. Once he saw Even, he slowed down and walked behind him quietly. Even kept his hands crammed inside his jacket, his two hoodies up all at once. His sense of style was odd, to be honest. Isak kept a distance to give him some space, and suddenly, Even stopped.

" I'd rather you walk beside me than behind me you know." 

He knew _._ _Even knew he was following behind all along?_ Isak paced himself up a little and walked just a little behind him. He could see Even's cheeks and nose were reddened from the freezing temperature.

" I'm sorry about just now. I mean Thomas" Isak said in a low voice, stealing gaze at the taller man beside him. Even still kept his pace but the side of his mouth curved up into a warm smile.

" I think he's quite a little over the top, but I think he's no harm."

 _Right_. Isak nodded slowly. Even and his innocent thought. That exactly the reason why Isak didn't want Even near Thomas. He didn't know how crazy this guy could be when he wanted something.

" Isak Valtersen?"

Someone was disturbing the moment. Isak looked at a group of young teenagers. They were asking him for autographs and pictures. Bad timing, but he had no choice. He could see how Even was stepping further and further away as if he didn't want to get involved in his life. He was going back into his shell, away from the crowd.

Isak excused himself after he finished with their requests and walked up to Even who just sat on a very worn out looking bench a little upslope.

" Even?"

Even looked up at him and just smiled. And that smile always worked magic on him. He could feel the warmth started up his neck and crept up on his cheeks against the dropping temperature instantly. 

As Isak looked around, he spotted another bench at a lower location but it looked ten times better than the one Even was sitting on.

" Why don't we sit there instead?" Isak pointed towards the better looking bench. 

" Nah..I like this one. This one is better. It's my favourite spot...And since I've never seen anyone sat here before, so it's practically mine. " He shrugged.

Isak looked at Even in amusement. He just thought Even's mind worked in a very weird way. It was funny to think how Even chose this particular bench as his spot. This wooden bench looked old, worn out, sad, and abandoned. Some parts of the bench slats had already chipped off or broken, and the cast iron armrest was rusty and had already lost its colour. Noone would want to sit here.

" Can I sit here at your spot?" Isak asked.

Even looked at him as if he was thinking hard to reply the simplest questions. He kept quiet for a while and finally nodded. 

Even moved a little further to the end, and Isak could only wish that Even just stayed at the exact same spot so he could be nearer to the guy. He saw Even moved his feet up and huddled himself, rocking back and forth while staring absently to the river. Isak could only wonder what Even was thinking, he always looked kinda sad when he was in his own thought, but at the same time always gave out a smile when Isak talked to him. 

Isak looked out to the view beyond them. He had to admit that from where he sat, it actually had a very good unblocked view of the river, and it felt secluded.

  
He looked at Even who still fixed his gaze to the river. Perhaps he should bring Even to the festival that Thomas mentioned earlier. Maybe they could play games together, just like a date. Isak smiled to himself a little.

" Do you want to go to the festival?" Isak suddenly asked.

" Huh?"

" The festival nearby, you wanna go?" 

" I.I don't know Isak, me and this weather..we are not very good friends." He shrugged

" We can just stay a while." 

Even stayed quiet for a second before he nodded _Ok_

.......................

There were people of all ages at the festival spreading all over many areas across the field, but the food section appeared to be the most popular. It seemed the dropping temperature didn't deter the spirits of ones who truely loved to enjoy after all. The festive lights were lit up to momentarily brighten the sombre and gloomy weather from the winter freeze.

" How about we join that game?" Isak asked, pointing towards the direction. 

Isak spotted one game that looked interesting. It felt like a couple game. It was a couple game. Isak smiled to himself a little. He gazed at Even who seemed to keep staring at people playing, looking very..very agitated.

" Are you sure we can play that?" Even asked. 

After they walked nearer and nearer to the area, it said that it was suitable for couples. 

" I don't think we should play, Isak." He said again and wanted to hurry walk away.

Isak pressed his lips together. He was thinking that this was probably the best game ever out of this whole festival. And he didn't want to miss the opportunity to play and being tied up with Even.

The rule was simple.The couple would be tied up by the waist with a rope, facing each other, with a ballon tied on one of their legs. They could eliminate other couples by stepping on their ballons. Ideal game.This was definitely the kind of game he wanted to play with Even right now. 

" It's going to be fun, Even " Isak glanced up at him, seeking his approval.

" I.I don't know Isak, I'm not comfortable with this. This game is just weird. And we're not a couple, and to be tied up like that is even weider..I.I can't. " 

He knew Even was fidgeting and didn't look comfortable at all. But in his mind right now, Isak just wanted to be close to him, to really hold him, and to feel his body against his. Even wouldn't give him the chance, but this game could. Isak lifted his eyebrow.

" Then why aren't we.. couple?" Isak whispered out softly. He wasn't sure why he said it, but the words had already escaped his mouth. Only thing he could do was waiting for his response.

And if Isak had to be honest, what he'd just said should be a clear enough hint of how he felt towards him, but somehow Even was too innocent to receive the message.

" What do you mean Isak? " He asked, looking clueless.

Isak blushed immediately at how Even looked at him. He avoided the gaze a bit, before he looked back at him once again. But he found that pair of blues already escaped to another direction instead. Isak wanted to explain that obvious hint but he wasn't comfortable among the crowd. He needed somewhere more secluded, more special, not here, with people everywhere and kids running around screaming at each other. Definitely not a romantic place. 

" Um..nothing." He sighed. _Not the right place to say. not yet._

" This game looks very stupid, I don't want to play. And...you and me, and like that? Don't you find it awkward?" He said, as he was still looking at people playing their round.

Isak thought differently. How could this game be stupid. And being tied up together? It was never awkward in his picture dictionary. That was the whole point why he wanted to play. It was brilliant. Isak felt like it was created just for him. But Even didn't seem to think the same at all. Isak frowned in disappointment.

" Why are you looking like that?" Even asked.

" Um..nothing, I just thought it would be fun to play" 

Even looked at him and took a deep breath in.

" You really want to play this game, don't you." He asked.

Isak looked at him and nodded.

Even kept quiet for a long while and he kept looking around at all the people that were now trying to squeeze into the entry point to sign up for the game. It looked like he was lost in the moment with the overwhelming size of crowd, as he kept looking around at people pushing him without focusing on anything. Isak pulled him out from that chaos immediately.

Isak grabbed his arm and shook him a little as to bring his mind back from wherever it roamed to. Even looked back, startled. Then he took a deep breath in and shook his head, before he sighed out.

" Ok." 

Isak was a little confused. " Ok..ok what?" 

Even closed his eyes, tried to gather his nerves. When he opened his eyes again, he lookd at him.

" Ok, I'll play that...that stupid game that you wanna play."

Isak brightened up immediately after hearing that. He took a quick peek at Even again, just to make sure. Even still looked as uncomfortable as hell, but at least he smiled. He saw Even looked at couples being tied up one by one, and was hesitated.

" Isak? I. I have a request" Even said .

" Yes?" Isak was waiting for whatever request, as long as they played this game together.

" Um..It was a stupid request but..can you just hold on to my arms instead of um..hugging me?" and he immediately dropped his eyelids.

It was a bit stupid. No. It was absurd. Isak thought. He wanted to hug Even so bad. It seemed Even had his own rule too. He was a difficult man to decipher after all. Isak looked around at other couples hugging each other. Some were already started to kiss each other for luck. Isak wanted that too, but he knew too well about this person standing right beside him. It was never gonna happen unless he stole the kiss from Even. But it was a risk. Even was definitely gonna hate him for the rest of his life. Besides, they were not the couple. Isak could still hear the word ' _friend_ ' ringing in his eardrum.

" Ok, if it's more comfortable for you" Isak said.

" Thank you "

.....................

Isak thought that he, himself was the confident one, but as of now, he felt as if his heart was going to beat out of his chest as they were tied up against each other, running around awkwardly like lunatics. And he could feel the heat generated throughout his own body. Isak could smell Even. He could feel Even breathing against him and his heart that was beating as fast. But he looked super agitated. Isak could see sweat all over his face against the freezing temperature. He was really uncomfortable and tried to avoid his gaze at all cost.

" Even! That one! Step on that balloon!" Isak shouted.

One good thing about paring up with Even was that his legs were super long. They had an advantage over many couples except a few that were about the same height or even taller than him. And Even, as much as he looked so agitated in the public eye, was quite enthusiastic. But Isak knew that Even probably wanted this stupid game to be over.

Isak looked around. Couples were getting eliminated one by one. He smiled to himself at the victory he could smell. And they did. They managed to be the second winner to break the most balloons. And they received the ice cream voucher from one of the participating retailers.

Even looked very proud of himself but at the same time he was shaking pretty bad because all eyes were on them. People were cheering and clapping towards all the three winning couples. Isak loved this feeling. He used to this feeling. But Even, he didn't look comfortable at all. Isak could feel it.

" Can we leave now? " He asked

" Yes, sure." 

He stole a glance at Even once again. And this time, He saw his eyes were glistening with the shadow of tears holding on to dear life at the corner end. Even turned to look at him and immediately looked away. He didn't know Isak had been looking at him all along. 

" Even, are you...sad?" 

" No..it's the opposite." He smiled, " It's just..I never win anything before in my life. So thank you for helping me to join that stupid game and actually... win something." He laughed.

" And you still wanna call that game stupid? " He joked.

" Well, it still kinda is. Why would you wanna play anyway." He said carelessly.

Isak had nothing to say. The only thing in his mind right now was how clueless and how unromantic Even could be. But the thought of having their hearts beating against each other just now, had put a smile back to his face, and he let out a small giggle. Even seemed to notice. He looked at Isak.

" Something funny?" 

" N.No nothing!..Wh.Why don't we go grab something" Isak said.

As they continued walking, Even was getting more and more quiet, and he kept pulling his jacket close around him, and nudged his hands deep into the pockets. He was shivering pretty bad.

" Even, are you cold?" he asked.

" Just a little, but it's ok." He smiled back.

" You can wear my jacket actually" Isak said as he was about to take off his jacket. It might be a little too short for Even but it's still better than seeing him shaking this way. It made Isak feel guilty since he was the one asking him to come here after all. 

" Uh..no, you don't have to." He said

" Are you sure? Because I don't feel cold at all to be honest." _as long as you're here._

" Yes, I'm sure..as long as I keep walking." He laughed.

Isak stole a glance at him occasionally and came up with a decision in his mind. Maybe this was the right time. His police eyes saw a quiet spot at the far end of the field.

" Even, I.I want to say something..can we go over there?"

Isak pointed towards the direction that looked more secluded. Even tilted his head and looked at him.

" Why can't you just say it here?" Even looked a little confused. 

Isak had no good answer. He felt like he was talking to a child. But whatever he wanted to say had to be put on hold as he saw a group of his teammates from far away called him and were walking towards him. He sighed. 

He could see Even was ready to step further away from him again, and this time Isak just grabbed his hand and pull him closer.

" Can you just stay..and don't move away.from me?" 

Isak gazed at him intently. He knew Even kept looking at his hand in his for a good moment and when he finally looked up, their eyes met. They locked their gaze until his friends approached him, and only then, Even broke off that eye contact and pulled his hand away.

" I'm gonna go back to the cafe. I. I'll see you some other time then." Even said, avoided his gaze and hurried away. 

Isak kept looking at the direction until he could no longer see him, that he turned back to talk with his friends.

Isak knew, at that moment, Even must have felt that. He must have known how Isak felt. And he believed Even could feel it in his heart too. He glanced up towards the direction that the tall guy left a while back ago. He kept looking at his watch again and again, before he decided to excuse himself. He hoped Even would still be at the cafe.

.........................

And here he was. He sighed out of nervousness right in front of the cafe. He took a peek. No single soul inside. The shop was already closed, with the sign that guaranteed it. But Isak knew the door wasn't locked yet, though it looked pretty dark with only a few lights on. He pushed the door opened, making the bell at the door chimed.

" Sorry but we are already closed, " That soft gentle voice escaped from the kitchen and reached his ears.The person walked out and saw him standing there. His lips parted slightly. Shocked. Isak could tell that he didn't expect him to come back here. But Even composed himself quickly after and looked at him. 

" Isak, wh.what are you doing here?" 

Isak should have thought beforehand of what to say, but his mind was occupied by this person, standing metres away from him. 

"I thought I might find you here." 

Even looked at him and smiled only slightly that one could barely see.

" I guess I did tell you I'll be here right?" 

They stared at each other for a while until Even broke that connection and about to look away that Isak managed to say something.

" I know you're closed but I haven't eaten yet. So.. can I still order something?"

That's the only thing Isak could come up with. But he also had not yet eaten, and he was pretty hungry too. Isak could feel the very same pair of eyes, started to tore his attire apart yet again, he quickly turned to count number of cake slices in the display chiller instead while taking a quick glance at Even.

" You know there..there're lots of food at the festival." Even said, trying to figure out his intention of showing up here.

" I kinda prefer leftover pizzas, if you still have." 

He wasn't gonna lie. It might be a leftover, and the cheeses already turned dry, but the toppings were abundant and the crust was tasty enough to compensate the missing texture. 

" Um..I can cook something today, you don't have to eat the leftover, Isak." He smiled a little and walked towards the kitchen.

" I prefer the leftover one actually." He said and slowly walked towards the taller guy and grabbed his hand gently while looking at Even straight in the eye. Even avoided that gaze immediately, and he looked down to his hand in Isak's. They were standing there in that still moment until,

" Isak..I. I'm not.." Even tried to stutter out something but Isak never let him finished.

" I thought I just like you." He paused before continued, " but it turned out, I think.. I'm in love with you." And he squeezed his hand a little tighter while his gaze never faltered. 

Even froze immediately and he stayed quiet for a long time, while kept staring at his own hand that Isak held tighly and didn't let go. 

Even finally took a deep breath and looked up to find that gaze was still there, staring right back at him. He immediately looked away yet again.

" Isak. I. I've never been with anyone, and I don't think I can be good enough for you too.. I.I have a lot of problems that you don't know. You shouldn't..and I.I can't do this" Even said as he shook his head into denial, and pulled his hand out from that warm grip.

" Even, why don't let time speaks for itself. I just need you to know how I feel "

And that exactly how Isak thought. At least he said it out, and it made him felt a lot lighter as if the whole Everest was lifted off his shoulder. He knew Even was different and he probably needed to find out more. But sometimes when the feeling towards the person was strong enough, it didn't feel that it was too soon or too rush. It just felt right.

Even stayed quiet for a short while, and it seemed he had settled himself well enough that he decided to look back at Isak and smiled at him.

" I.I don't have anything to say Isak, now you really make our friendship turned weird." He let out a soft chuckle.

Isak saw him smiled again, and this time, he was determind to brighten up the mood in this place as soon as possible.

" Well, you can say that you're going to heat up the leftover pizza for me." 

Even looked at him for a few seconds before he chuckled and shook his head slightly.

" Seriously? you wanna steal my dinner?" 

" That's what I intended to do, but this time we should eat together." He smiled, a bit embarrassed, a bit proud, and he started to play with his jacket zipper. He kept sliding it up and down as if he didn't know what to do with his hand. And it will be too soon if he were to grab Even's hand again. So he decided to just stay still and gazed at the taller guy who was smiling faintly at him and nodded.

" Ok"


	7. Chapter 7

The night was still a blur in his mind. It wasn't what he said that made his heart trembled, but his eyes that spoke right to his heart. It made him felt assured and comforted. It was his hand that held his, it was firm and secured, yet it felt gentle. And for a moment, he believed that the very hand would guide him out of the dark and into a new beginning, a new journey, and perhaps, a new Even. But it also left him with indescribable and uncomfortable feeling that kept surging within him. 

As he lay on his side on the bed, he stared blankly at the wall, trying to process his own thoughts. His lips started to quiver with fear. Fear that he might actually had some feeling for Isak without himself recognising it, and that Isak already had the privelege to break his heart and tore it into pieces. The pieces that he had been carefully collected and stitched back into one. He lifted up his knees to his chest and curled into a tight ball as if he was trying to protect whatever that was left inside of him. Isak somehow found a way to stand right in the middle of it, but he didn't know if he could fully relish it, while thinking that one day he would lose it again. Because for Even, love was not made to last. The only thing that he managed to bring out from that, was the deep wound that he had to carry for the rest of his life. 

Even sat up on the bed, wrapped himself in blanket and stretched his leg to the floor, the cold sensation instantly shot right up his feet. As he walked to the window, a deep furrow ran across his forehead. What used to be a pavement now covered in a waste of snow, and only street signs and lifeless trees were seen rising out of it. It was going to be another physical challenge for his heart again. Another year and Even still existed. 

He dragged the blanket across the room and sat down by the foot of the bed. He siged and stared aimlessly out the window, thinking of.. _Isak? swimming_? He immediately jumped out of his blanket cocoon and ran to knock on Mikael's.

" Even ! what do you want! " Mikael looked at him who was breathing heavily in front of his room. He frowned and immediately moved closer and held him.

" Even! You alright? Do you feel pain here? " Mikael asked, placing his hand on his chest.

Even looked at him, a little confused why Mikael asking him that.

"Yes, I'm feeling good" He replied, smiling at him.

" How good is good? Not so good, Just good, or wayyy too good?" 

Even laughed, " just good, I promise, just good"

Mikael sighed in relieve then he looked at Even again. 

" Since you're here, you wanna lie down on the bed with me for a while?" He asked.

" Good idea!, and just to let you know, I have something to do this afternoon".

He walked into the room and let his body crashed on the bed and hurriedly covered himself with the blanket. Mikael immediately scooted right beside him. Both of them gazed to the ceiling with their hands tucked behind their heads. 

" I've missed this. Us lying on the bed, just like when we were kids" Mikael said.

" I know, I always went to your house, didn't I." Even said, as his mind took him back to those fond memories.

" Ya..and for a moment, my mother probably thought she had two sons!" Mikael laughed.

" Well, your home was my safe haven. I guess I was just allergic to mine." He chuckled softly.

Mikael took a peek at him, " But you know you're always welcome at my place right?"

" Of course I know. Even if I wasn't welcome then, I'd still sneaked in anyway." He laughed. 

Mikael gazed up at him, " You know, I'd seen you black and blue over the years, but...that night..when I found...." 

" I don't wanna talk about it!" He raised his voice, and immediately felt guilty after. " I'm sorry. But I really don't want to think about it..and..it was my fault anyway. I guess I couldn't be his perfect son." He shrugged.

" Even" 

" Why don't we talk about something else." 

He surely didn't need to be reminded of that part in his life. He stayed quiet for a short while, until finally broke out the silence.

" Isak is going to teach me how to swim! " Even said proudly as if it was a celebration of some sort.

" You? You're going to learn how to swim?" Mikael was surprised as Even was always scared of entering the pool, be it shallow or deep.

" He kinda insist, don't know why. But to be honest, I'm very scared" He said. And he wasn't sure if he was scared more about swimming or meeting Isak after that day.

Mikael turned his head to look at the person lying beside him before he shifted his eyes back to the ceiling.

" Even?"

" Hmm?"

" If you don't feel right, you have to tell Isak to get you out of the pool ok?"

Even nodded " I know. " He smiled a little but still kept his gaze at the ceiling. Mikael pressed his lips tight before looked over at him.

" ... Can I ask you something?"

" Just ask what you wanna ask, I'm not gonna lie down here all day staring at the ceiling with you, you know. We both have to work!" He smirked. 

Mikael stayed quiet for a second, " Do you..do you have a feeling for Isak too?"

Even paused for a moment. He knew he was not ready to fully admit yet, because if he said it out loud, it would become too real, which meant right now, he had no answer to give Mikael. In fact, he could not find any answer to anything in his life. The only thing he knew for sure was, that very day when Isak said that, it had changed the dynamic of their friendship, and replaced by the awkwardness when he would have to meet Isak again today. He didn't know if he could act normal in front of him anymore.

" It doesn't matter what I feel about him... I'm ill, Mikael. And one day my life will dull his, and he'll realise that, and I will become his burden, and then he will regret what he said, and then he'll just... leave. I'm already a burden to yours." He shrugged.

" Why would you say that! You know I love you right?" Mikael knocked him in the head lightly. "Besides, didn't you know there're actually people who like you, like when you were still living at the shelter?"

Even rolled his eyes, " Seriously? like who? Besides, in the whole universe, I think you're probably the only one that actually like me." He paused before continued, " Maybe you need some medication too." He laughed.

Mikael took a side-glanced at him then he thought of the guy that stayed at the same shelter.

" Do you remember the guy that stay at the shelter? The one stayed on the second floor?"

Even nodded, " Of course, I do. He always teased me! How could I forget."

" Well, he liked you. I could tell" He said

Even shifted his eyes to Mikael, " Is that what you supposed to do when you like someone?"

He thought about that boy that liked to barge in and wore his clothes, and also liked to steal his ice-cream and snacks when the local charity came to donate or gave them treats. Even shook his head. No way that boy liked him.

" You know, different people act differently towards the person they like" Mikael said.

Even curved up the corner of his mouth just a little bit into a smile and gave a chuckle.

" Now I could only think what would happen if he were to hate me" 

Mikael and his philosophy. Even thought for second. If that boy liked him, instead of teasing him, why didn't he treat him better by being nicer. He should treat him like how Isak treated him. _Isak?_ Why Isak kept appearing in his thought recently since that day. Even shook his head lightly as if it would help make Isak disappear from existence in his head. Isak made his mind clouded. And he still had to meet him later, bad idea to meet him when he was still fuzzy. He couldn't think straight when he was with him. Even took a deep breath to calm himself. He turned to look at Mikael who was looking at him as if he wanted to say something or ask him something again.

" What?" 

" You know you can't live thinking this way forever right? I mean one day you're gonna have to let someone in there" He said and used his finger to lightly tap on his chest.

Even didn't like this soul searching conversation at all. He immediately brushed his hand away and chose to stare absently to the wardrobe instead, until he thought of something and chuckled to himself. Mikael looked at him, curious.

" What's so funny?" He asked.

Even shifted his head a little and looked at him.

" Mikael, my heart can't even function properly and my arteries are clogged! I'm sure nothing can go in anymore!", He laughed. Mikael rolled his eyes and started to tickle his waist, but he hurried to the kitchen to get some water and inhaler for him once Even started to wheeze. They stayed quiet for a while until Even was well enough and he immediately teased Mikael again.

" You know I'm not sick right now right? I can get water myself. It's just a very mild asthma. But again...I think your response is as fast as a lightening though!" He giggled.

But he knew, Mikael was the reason he was still here today. And Mikael always knew his symptoms like the back of his hand, whether his bipolar was manic or depressive, which was dead obvious. But he had to give him credits for being able to differentiate his breathing whether it was the asthma that came around for a short visit, or it was his heart wanted to betray him and say good-bye. Even stole a glance at him in admiration.

Mikael shook his head at the remark Even made, and tried to laugh along, but he was worried. He knew this time was just a mild asthma, just the beginning. But what was about to come more often during this weather was the one he most concerned about. 

" Even. It's winter, I know what winter is like to you." 

Mikael was right. Winter was his worst season. His episode may or may not come, he didn't know. But his heart was suffering the most during this time. He would feel out of breath easily because his arteries would get even more narrow than they usually were, with one was totally blocked, while the remaining wouldn't help much, and with the erratic functioning of his heart, it was going to be the hell period for him. He knew sooner or later, some procedures would have to be done to him again, but he didn't want to think about it yet. He kicked that thought away, because right now, he wanted to spend time with Mikael, just lying on the bed and making stupid nonsense conversation, and forget about all these. The thought of it put the smile right back up on his face.

" Do you feel lonely Mikael?" Even suddenly asked. His eyes were still fixing to the ceiling.

" What kind of question is that?" Mikael turned his head a little and glanced at Even, a little unsure what Even was up to this time.

" You know you can't take care of me forever. One day you'll have to, you know, leave" Even said. Mikael now turned to lay on his side, facing him. His brows narrowed. 

" Why are you saying that? I'm not going anywhere." 

" I mean one day you'll find someone, and you'll get married and you'll leave."

Mikael thought for a second. why such a serious topic in the morning.

" Even if I've found someone which I doubt, that doesn't mean I'll leave you." _to rot by yourself._

Even was giggling, and Mikael could only assume that he was thinking of something stupid again.

" Mikael?"

" Hmm?"

" I think I've found a perfect someone for you" His eyes were gleaming while looking at Mikael.

" Huh?" Mikael wasn't sure where would this gonna go.

" I think.." He sat up and turned to face Mikael who was drinking the leftover water out of the glass.

" I think you should marry me! " 

As if the water couldn't find its way into the right passage, Mikael immediately spilled it all out and over the blanket. And he looked at Even who was smirking at him and grinned.

" What??!!! " He wasn't sure where this was going.

" Nothing!" He smirked, "I just want to see your reaction....never failed me." He laughed again, until he stopped to look at Mikael who was staring at him right now.

"What? Something on my face?" Even asked, not sure why Mikael kept staring at him.

Mikael didn't say anything, but he turned around to take something out from the side drawer. A stethoscope, which he bought it since they moved into the apartment together.

" Fold up your shirt and sit up " Mikael said.

" What! you wanna play doctor now? I'm fine... And seriously? do you even know how to use?" He smirked, but also folded up his shirt right away.

Mikael rolled his eyes." I know I can't differentiate if your it's working fine, but I just like to listen." He smiled, and his eyes fell to the scar on his chest, and he ran his finger along it gently.

" I'm sorry, Even" He said.

Even looked down at his own scar from his valve repair surgery. It was a reminder that he still lived, but it was also a reminder that there were still other damages that needed to be fixed if medications he took suddenly failed. He laughed silently to himself, not only his mind was wrong, even his heart was also wrong.

" I'm sorry too, Mikael."

He saw Mikael already acted like a doctor with that chest scope ready, he took a deep breath in and Mikael pressed the diaphragm against his chest, as he listened to it carefully for a full minute. Then he changed to position it at his back and listened. He took off the earpieces and stared at his back. Once he traced the scars with his hand, Even jumped and turned to look at him for a brief moment. Mikael ran his hand along the visible scars from metal studs diagonally running across his back. A souvenir from his father. An ill-formed memories of love. These wounds were healed. But the one that never seemed to go away was the one right within him. Mikael folded down Even's shirt and hugged him from behind.

" Promise me that your heart will always keep beating as long as I still live."  
  
Even could hear Mikael sniffled from behind. He placed his hand on Mikael's arms that were now huggging across his chest. Even sighed lightly. He had nothing to say to Mikael, not even a simple nod, so he just stayed quiet and let silence filled the room.

..............

Even stood still in front of the gate, staring blankly at the building right across the field. He was not ready to move nor wish to move, not until the cold wind whipped the snow against his face and snapped him out of whatever he was thinking.

He knew today was going to be the day that he would have to conquer his fear. The thought of it already made him a little dizzy. He remembered how he was almost drown when he was just a boy. The memory carried him sadly back to those painful feelings of which he had not thought lately, but which still found a place in his soul. He immediately stuffed that piece of memory that wiggled its way out right back into the mud of his mind. Even tried to gather himself and looked at his watch. He was going to be late if he kept standing here. Even hurriedly crunching his way through the snow when he heard a noise.

Fuck!" A guy was swearing beside the gate pillar. He was sitting on the ground.

Even looked at him. It was still snowing that he had to squint his eyes a little. Maybe he slipped. It was quite slippery at some part where the snow melted and formed into ice. Even slowly walked over.

" Do you need some help?"

The guy looked up. Both just kept staring at each other.

" You!" Even had his mouth opened. It was that weird medic guy, the giraffe-er one that kept saying he knew him.

" What are you doing here?" The guy asked.

" Uh..I.I came here to meet someone" He stuttered out the words.

The guy looked uncomfortable. He probably embarrassed that he fell down. Even could relate to that.

Even took two steps back, wanted to leave, and get the hell out of there. But he looked at the person with quite a big bump that would soon turn green, and a small blood stain on his forehead. He sighed and decided to help. He spotted the chest scope, slighyly different from the one Mikael had. It looked more professional. Even picked it up and placed it around his neck. 

" I believe it's yours. I think we should walk to the bus stop there, it has shelter "

He looked up, a little surprised. But he nodded in the end. It was snowing hard anyway. 

Once they reached the bus stop, Even lowered his backpack from his shoulder to the floor, and he asked him to sit down on the bench. The guy still looked a little confused by whatever he was trying to do. Even took a bag out of his backpack, and squatted down to the floor. 

He zipped the bag opened and searched for something. The guy sitting above gazed into it, but they were just medications, and his eyes followed a small bottle that was just rolling out of his bag. He immediately bent down and grabbed it. He could immediately recognise this spray bottle, and he looked down at Even who was still pulling something out. A few cotton wool, a saline wash, and a medium size bandage. Even stood up slowly and looked at the guy's wound on the forehead.

" I think it's not that bad. Can you hold this for me?" Even passed him the bandage.

" I'm Kris" He said.

Even stopped for a second, _and I don't care_ , "I'm..Even." 

The guy didn't say anything. He was strangely quiet but he kept gazing up at him, and that made Even pretty uncomfortable. Even thought he should have left just now and let the guy be, but he knew he wouldn't be able to do that. He took the bandage from his hand and gently applied it on his forehead.

" I think that should do it for now. And sorry, it looks pretty ugly. I'm not very good at it, but at least it won't look as messy." Even smiled slightly at him.

" You know I'm a paramedic right?" He finally spoke, but it sounded softer than when he was at the office that day.

" I know, but that doesn't mean you're the only one who knows how to dress the wound right?" Even said while stuffing all his things back into the bag, and about half way through, Kris suddenly grabbed his hand.

" So.Are you doing alright now?"

Even looked at him, confused. " What do you mean?"

" This" He handed the spray bottle back to him.

Even stopped for a second, " Ya, I think," he shrugged. Then he pulled his hand out from his, and took the spray bottle from his hand. " Thanks"

" You know it's almost empty" He said.

Even nodded. He knew this was the last bottle he had, and maybe it only left a few pumps, but he just wanted to wait for his quarterly check up and asked from his doctor. He just didn't feel like visiting his second home yet.

" I think I remember you now" The guy suddenly said.

Even stopped at whatever he was doing and he looked up.

" What do you mean?" He asked.

" At the hospital. I saw you a few times there when I sent patients over" He kept looking at Even as to see his reaction. 

Even nodded. If this person Kris saw him at the emergencies, it meant he, himself probably looked sedated or worse. 

" There're so many people, why would you even remember me?" Even asked. curious.

Kris laughed. " Well, it was kinda hard to forget when your friend kept blocking us from sending patients into the emergencies, as if it was all yours."

Even smiled in embarrassment. That kinda sounded like Mikael, he thought. 

" Well, he's kinda paranoid sometimes...and..so, you work here? " 

He nodded, " But I only work shift here. My priority was still stand-by at the hospital." He said.

" I hope I don't have to see you there though" Even joked.

" I surely hope not." He laughed.

Even nodded. But before he was about to get up, Kris asked him, " Your friend. That...um.. was.. your friend right?" 

Even looked up at him and curved his mouth into a meekly smile. " You like him?" 

The guy tried to avoid his gaze "No! I was just curious." But he blushed a little.

Even looked deeply into his eyes, then he decided to take out his business card and passed it to him. " Here! this is where we're at. You can stop by. He'll be there." 

Kris took the card, a little embarrassed. Even felt happy as now he found someone that could lead to something for Mikael. He seemed decent, Even thought as he slung his backpack on his shoulder and ready to leave.

" You must be thinking I'm a creep..I mean that day, sorry about that" He said.

" Nah..actually I thought you looked scary and you kept staring at me like a hawk. it's just weird. But I know creep, and you're definitely not that."

Even knew what creep looked like and acted like. He saw it everyday when he looked into the mirror. 

The guy looked at him for a second, " I think you should sit for a while."

Even looked at him again and laughed.

" What's so funny?" Kris asked, a little confused.

" You know, you haven't dated him yet, but you kinda already sound like him."

Then Even looked at his phone. He would actually love to, but he'd already wasted a lot of time staring at the building just now. Isak must be waiting for him. And he didn't want to be late.

" I can't. I don't want to be late. But you should stop by at the cafe though. And Mikael. His name is Mikael. He might look a little intimidated when he doesn't smile, but believe me, he's not." Even winked at him and hurriedly walked away, disappeared into the snow.

...........

Even didn't know how cold it was outside until he entered the building. He stepped on the rubber mat and kicked off all the snow that stuck on his boots.

"Even!" 

It was Isak calling him. This was still as awkward as he imagined, and it didn't seem Isak gave him time to settle himself at all. But he also wondered why Isak stood there in the main hall, as he already told him that he would text him once he reached. Maybe Isak had to meet someone first.

" Uh.Hi..Are you waiting for someone?" 

Isak blushed a little, but at the same time, looked at him weirdly, then he laughed.

" Who woud I be waiting for at this time beside you." And he gazed directly into his eyes. Even looked away, feeling something warm on his cheeks and it made him wanted to step back and run away. But he couldn't. He already worn his t-shirt for swimming underneath. He was prepared, at least, physically. But emotionally, as long as Isak didn't stand too close to him, or looked at him this way, it should be fine. He thought for a second.

" Right, it's pretty late. Sorry..I wasn't thinking" Even looked at his watch. Almost five. No wonder it was super quiet in the hall and since it was during their week-long break, it meant, less people to make him feel out of place. 

Isak led him into the training area. They walked past the gym. Even gazed through the glass door. Many weird and fancy looking equipment inside. Maybe he only knew how to use a quarter of them. 

" This room. You wanna leave anything here?" Isak turned around and asked him. Even looked inside the room and then took barely three steps in. There was a chair, a table, a bed, and a standing lamp,but no window. And if anything he wanted to leave inside here, was probably he, himself. He could use some rest now but it would be super weird since he just arrived. But the warm cosy ambience made it more tempting than the cold freezing pool. Goosebumps appeared the minute he thought about it.

" I didn't know you have bedroom here." Even said.

" Actually, it's just for us to rest, take a nap, things like that. But this is my personal recovery room." Isak smiled at him. It was pretty obvious when his name plate was right at the door.

Even nodded.

............................

There were no single soul inside the swimming pool. No glass roof panel, no spectator stand. Totally enclosed.Totally different from the one that day. And it was smaller, that whatever they said now was going to echo all around. 

"Why is nobody here? Is it closed?" Even asked in a very low voice.

" What? What did you say?" Isak walked closer. Even jumped immediately and looked at him shyly. But Isak seemed a lot more relaxed than he was, perhaps he should do the same as well.

" Is.Is the swimming pool uh..closed?" Even asked again in the same low voice.

" Even? Why are you whispering?" Isak tilted his head and looked at him.

" Did I? I.I guess I don't want it to be too loud, and echo the whole area." 

Even knew it sounded weird, and it sounded even weirder saying it out. But he just didn't like the reflective sound from the wall reaching his ears. It made him feel like he was repeating himself over and over again. It made him nauseous and dizzy. Even roamed his eyes around the swimming pool in front of him.

" Even?" Isak looked at him, his eyes narrowed.

" Uh..yes?" He looked back at Isak.

" That's the weirdest thing I've ever heard!" he shook his head and giggled. 

All other people had gone home to get ready for the party tonight at his teammate's house. But Isak was still here, with him. It made Even felt his importance but also a little uncomfortable.

" Don't you have to join them?" He asked.

" Um..No. I think I'd prefer to be here" He blushed a little, and again walked closer towards him. Even took two mini steps back, looked away and inspect the floor tiles instead, before he finally excused himself to get changed.

" Something's wrong?" Even asked. Isak had been staring at him for a while now, and he didn't know why.

" Uh..N.No nothing.nothing. I just never see you like this. I mean you always wear so many layers, I don't even know how skinny you actuall are." 

Even giggled a little. He knew he always wore extra layers just to keep himself warm, but at the same time, it made him feel secured, safe, and invincible.

" Are you wearing t-shirt too?" Isak asked.

" Um. ya. Is it ok?" 

It had to be ok. If it wasn't ok, he was definitely so not going into that pool. 

" Yes, sure. I mean. the water wasn't that cold, just so you know." He said before plunging into the deep end of the pool and emerged from the water.

As Even walked closer and closer to the pool, the nervous energy started to creep up on him. It was a total different feeling between just sitting by the edge and actually had to go in. His legs were shaking and he started to walk on all four. He felt embarrassed but he couldn't help it. And although Isak told him the shallow end was less than two metre, and he knew his feet could definitely touch the floor, but it was the thought of the massive amount of water around him that scared him the most. Besides, the shallow side of the pool was so short that it rapidly sloped down to the depth of three metre. 

Even tried to collect himself as best as he could as he grabbed on the ladder. He could see Isak was already waiting for him. He slowly lower himself down step by step and just kept holding on to the shaky ladder until half his body already submerged into the water and he froze.

" Even, I'm here. It's ok. You surely can touch the floor, don't worry." He said, and slowly got closer to Even. They were almost as close as body to body, and it should have made him even more agitated but he didn't care at this point, as his eyes were now focusing at the bottom of the pool and the water around him. His arms could probably grow a muscle by the end of the lesson. Isak told him to come down and hold on to the edge of the pool, so he did. But his mind was already all over the place. There was Isak behind, and the downward slope to the deeper area to his right just three feet away, and it freaked him out a lot. And he felt that the water was trying to sweep him towards that direction. He didn't know if he could hear anything right now even his own thoughts. He slowly pulled himself together but was still shaking. 

" Even, I'm just right here. Just hold on to the edge and get used to the water first ok?" 

He knew Isak was trying to encourage him but he didn't think it was of much help. He was still shaking and he could feel numbness tingling on his fingers as he held on to the edge of the pool in a super tight grip.

" I can't do this! I wanna go up." He was so ready to get the hell out of the pool, but Isak place his hand on top of his and gripped it tightly.

" You can do this Even. I'm just going to be right here, I promise." 

Isak gave him that gaze again. This was too awkward, surpassed what he had imagined. But at the same time it felt good, it felt like he really cared, or Isak faked it well, really well. Even tried to hold himself together and nodded.

Finally, he had overcome his fear just a little. He got used to the chlorine smell and the water around him. He felt better, and that was when Isak taught him how to blow bubbles by holding his breath. That was easy. Even thought. He had been holding breath all his life. _This?_ To him, was nothing. 

Isak later taught him the kicking skills in water. And that was pretty fun for Even. He used to watch people kicking in the swimming pool, floating, moving forward, making splashing sound. And now, the splash was by him, making it. Even was so proud of himself as if he was already swimming, although his grip was still super tight at the edge of the pool. It appeared that this moment had helped him forget the awkwardness, and just enjoyed the moment in the pool. 

He looked over his shoulder and saw Isak was laughing at him so hard and he didn't understand why.

" Why are you laughing? Did I do something wrong?" 

" Nah..I just think you're like a baby learning how to walk for the first time" He grinned.

" What??!" Even protested. He might looked too happy but he was definitely not a baby.

Isak had told him that he could get the feel of the deeper end now, so he asked him to slowly ran his hands along the edge of the pool. Even nodded. It was scary but it was tempting too since he was already inside the pool. _Why not?_ But as soon as he reached the part that his feet couldn't touch the floor, he stopped.

" Even, do you trust me?" He asked.

 _Trust?_ Even thought for a moment, what would this question help with anything. For now, he trusted that this pool could kill him in ten seconds. But Isak was here with him, and having Isak beside him was somekind of reassurance right now. Isak was probably not gonna let him die here and put himself on the front page newspaper. So he nodded. But it didn't mean that trust would make him stop shaking either. 

And the worst part was the minute Isak put his hand on his back to calm him down, that was when he was getting even more panic. He didn't like people touching his back. And he couldn't let go of his hands from the edge either. Goosebumps running across his arms as now he only had two options. Lost the grip, pushed Isak away and drown or stayed panicked and uncomfortable for a little while longer with a higher chance of surviving. So he chose the latter. 

He hung on to the edge and looked down to the pool floor. His gaze fixed to that depth until his eyes got a little tired, and his chest felt a little too tight from being under water for way too long. His doctor had once mentioned to him about swimming that it wasn't good for the condition he had, but he was allowed for a short period, in moderation, that was what he said. But Even didn't know what he meant by moderation. He should have told him specifically in minutes. But he felt exhausted right now, maybe this was the moderation. 

" Isak, I'm gonna go up and rest a while." He said and swiftly ran his hand along the edge of the pool until he reached the ladder. Isak was behind him like a shadow. But it didn't make Even feel uncomfortable, instead he felt safer. Afterall, he needed someone to be there when he was still inside the pool. 

He saw Isak was following him closely behind and out of the pool and it made him feel guilty, because it looked like Isak barely broke a sweat.

"Isak. You don't have to. You can continue." Even smiled.

" You sure? I mean I could use some rest as well." He asked.

Even nodded, " You barely broke a sweat. I'll just be right there." He looked towards the deck area where their towels were.

" Mm..ok" Isak said. He took a quick peek at Even before went back down to the pool.

Even wiped down and covered himself with the towel and sat down with leg crossed, resting his chin on the hand, and looked at Isak swimming laps after laps, before he felt comfortable enough and changed position and lifted his knees up against his chest and let himself fall into sleep.

He didn't know how long he'd been in that position until a voice was calling him. As soon as he opened his eyes, Isak was just inches away, gazing right into his eyes. He could smell the chlorine from his breath and saw the water dripped down from his hair, Even immediately lifted his head up and away. That was too near. He didn't like this feeling inside him. Isak was way too close. He hurried find something to focus on but all he saw was Isak right in front of him. His eyes had no place to escape to. In the end, all he could do was gaze back at him, and it seemed Isak broke the eye contact and looked away first. Even sighed quietly in relieve.

" Um..do you want to go sleep in my room?" He blushed before continued, " I mean my personal recovery room I showed you just now." 

Even smiled quietly to himself when he saw that Isak was blushing. At least, he wasn't the only one who felt awkward. He looked at the time, it was almost seven, he should get back and possibly straight home. Isak's room wasn't going to solve the feeling he had right now. He needed his own room. Besides, he didn't feel really good at the moment.

" I think I just wanna go home." He said in a low voice, avoided his eye contact.

" Ok. But I wanna send you back. It'll make me feel better. You look like you're gonna catch a cold soon." He said, and placed his hand on his forehead. He didn't know why Isak kept doing this.This caring thing that was going to shatter him into pieces. He didn't like the game Isak was playing with his heart. Isak loved him, and Isak would leave him one day. He had nothing to offer beside his damaged heart. 

Even gazed at him and process his thoughts towards this caring person. This would never work even if he wanted it. They were too different. Isak needed to be with someone that was more suitable, someone that had a better outlook in life, and someone that could catch up with his endless activities. But that someone wasn't going to be him.

" Isak. I.I'm sick and.."

" Well, that's why I'm here. Let me send you home." Isak smiled, and he stood up and extended his hand out for him to take. Even looked at it like it was a life and death decision for him. He just kept staring at it until Isak let out a soft chuckle and said to him with an endearing tone in his voice,

" Even. How long are you going to keep looking at it? Can I just have your hand?"

He gazed up at him before shifted his eyes back to that very hand and nodded slightly. Even took a deep breath and reached out his hand to meet his. He could feel it. It felt too perfect that it made him really scared.

................

Finally, he reached home feeling a little sick and tired. The swimming thing, although he didn't do much but it drew a lot of energy out of him. He immediately went into his room and crawled into bed, tried to nudge his way into a cosy spot deep into the pillow and tried to forget about everything, when someone knocked on his door. 

" Even?" Mikael opened the door and saw him already looked dead tired on the bed.

" What Mikael?" Even asked, he really wanted to sleep now. Mikael immediately scooted right into the bed and faced him.

" You're a little too warm Even. I'll go get some meds for you" He said, while placed his hand on his forehead. Even nodded. He knew his hell period was here, he could feel it, but for now he didn't care, he just wanted to sleep.

" And Even, did you give out my name to the guy named Kris?"

Even stayed quiet. He didn't have anything to say. His mouth didn't want to move either, so he just kept his eyes shut and nodded.

" He's pretty decent" Mikael said.

" That's what I thought." With that, a gentle smile appeared and he fell asleep soon after.

  



	8. Chapter 8

" Isak! Focus! "

" Uh..Duh.I'm focused! What do you think I've been doing !" Isak yelled back at his teammate who was standing at the other end of the pool.

" You just missed your queue!" 

" What?" Isak said as he looked down and saw his teammate had already touched the wall, waiting for him to leave the platform.

" Sorry.I was thinking about something."

He felt quite embarrassed, now that they have to start all over again. But it was still during the break and they still had a week off, he didn't get why they decided that this was a good time to practise their relay timing, when he should be somewhere else, perhaps, asked Even out for ice-cream or something. He could still remember how Even ate the ice-cream, like it was the final scoop of his life. He chuckled to himself, thinking how cute Even looked, even with messy hair and disheveled appearance, right after his episode. 

Isak sat down and let his thoughts wandered. _Did Even have feeling for him too?_ At least, a piece of his heart must have. He could see it in his eyes. _His eyes_ , beside trying to assess him and strip him naked, they also said many things, but he still couldn't figure out what many things were. If he were to look hard enough, he could see love in there, _for him? T_ hat was what he'd like to believe. Isak nodded secretly to himself. But it was also accompanied by fear and something else. _But what would Even be afraid of? H_ e sighed loudly and shook his head. For what it's worth, at least Even didn't kick him out that night. Plus, he still came to see him, although he acted a little weirder than he normally did. 

Isak blew that cloud away from his mind and looked at his phone. It was time to go.

" Hey Isak!" 

Who else could have disturbed him when he wanted to leave. He turned around and sighed,

" Hey Thomas!" _'Just peace off and leave me alone'._

But he wasn't alone though. He came with this cute guy Rob, a new member of his team, only a year younger. Isak used his laser eyes to briefly scan him. 

" You're here! Great! This would be your new appretice!" Thomas smiled and gently pushed the guy forward to face him.

" Hi Isak!" He greeted with a big grin on his face, his eyes lighting up with excitement as he held out his hand.

" Hi Rob" Isak extended his arm out for a handshake.

" I heard so much about you Isak, got a chance to meet you finally!" 

Isak nodded _Ok_. This guy was cute, but he had no time, he wanted to be somewhere else. He looked at his phone.

" Can't wait to be trained under you!" He said.

" Huh? Wh.What?" He asked, a litttle confused, and he looked at Thomas who was still standing here smirking at him.

" Oh, the head coach decided that it would be you who train him, do the drill and improve his performance." He paused before continue, " Actually, I declined the offer, so it would have to be you, the last man standing, since you'll be free, right?" He shrugged.

" Why me?!" He asked, not very happy.

" Well, I kinda suggested you, and it seems Rob is happy with this decision too, right?" Thomas looked at him, and he nodded in agreement.

" I'm definitely happy that it'll be you!" He paused for a second, "and for me? I think you're the greatest!" He smiled widely and hurriedly sat down just beside him. 

This guy was nice and he had great attitude, and he knew how to praise people and made good impression of himself. but Isak felt a little disturbed by how he looked at him, and how closed he was sitting beside him shoulder to shoulder. But he was also surprised at himself that he didn't feel like asking him out at all. And his heart was still beating at just above the normal pace, and not the Even pace. Maybe it was the Even effect. He smiled to himself quietly. 

Isak looked up at his watch again. He really needed to go now.

" I'm leaving" He quickly stood up and ready to part ways with the two.

" Where are you going?" Rob asked.

" I have to meet someone"

He wanted so much to say ' _boyfriend'_ , but he couldn't. He didn't know if Even would allow him to call him that, since he didn't know how Even actually felt yet. Maybe he needed to be more aggressive this time.

" Don't you wanna hang out here a while?" Rob asked.

" Um..I believe, me training you starts next week right, I guess I'll see you next week then." 

But before he could leave, Thomas just stood in his way.

" What now?" Isak asked. Irritated. 

" Are you meeting that guy, Even?" He asked, raising his eyebrow.

" So?" Isak smirked at him.

" It seems you might not have time with him that often, sorry." He said, with a sardonic smile on his face.

 _So that was how Thomas wanted to play_. But he had no time to deal with this devil. Isak looked at his phone again. He was going to be late, and he didn't want Even to catch a cold waiting for him in this weather. By now, He already knew that Even got sick easily. He was thinking of giving him his warmest hug if Even ever shivered again, and hoped he wouldn't get a surprise punch on the face in return. Even didn't look like one that would hurt a fly anyway. 

Isak hurriedly paced himself to meet him at the meeting point which was that old dull looking bench Even claimed it was his. He didn't have any plan yet but he could think of something else later. He was good at last minute plan which always turned out brilliant. 

.........

It was freezing cold in the afternoon. The sky was coloured with a tint of grey. Light wind could be felt, with soft and fluffy snow whipped across his face once in a while. But Isak was not deterred by the weather. Not at all. He knew his destination was to meet the person he'd been thinking about all day. The thought of him already warmed his soul. 

And there he was, hiding his face behind the hood, while his mouth and nose were covered with the scarf. But he wasn't alone. There was a taller guy beside him. Isak could only think of a taller guy he knew. As he walked nearer and nearer, it confirmed that the person was Kris, one of the medics. But he didn't understand how they knew each other or why he was here. 

" Hi Even! Hi Kris!" 

Isak greeted them but he was very sceptical. His eyes were at Kris as to find out why he was here. Even looked a little surprise, so as Kris.

" Uh..Hi Isak." Even smiled, and that was what Isak could only assume, as he only saw crinkles at the corner of his eyes and imagined the rest, that were now hidden deep inside the scarf. He wished he could unwrap that wool and see the sunshine behind it.

Even looked between Kris and Isak. He raised his eyebrows a little.

" Do you two know each other?" He asked.

Kris and Isak were exchanging looks. They were both smiling at each other awkwardly.

" Of course we know each other. He was one of the medics at the place. " Isak said. But he was still curious as to why he was here with Even.

" Why are you here, Kris?" He asked. 

He once had a little crush on this guy. But the weird thing about Kris was that he didn't want to date atheletes. Luckily for him, he didn't get to lose face trying to approach him, for the reason that Kris was always juggling between places all the time. There was no particularly good moment for Isak to approach. He was too busy saving lives.

" I'm actually on the way to his cafe, so we kinda bump into each other." 

" He's on the way to Mikael" Even proudly said.

Isak left confused for a moment until his eyes suddenly turned wide, his mouth opened.

" What! You mean you and Mikael are..?" He asked, waiting for someone to clarify what he had on his mind right now and what he was thinking was really the case.

" Uh..no.no. not like that. I mean not yet." Kris laughed in embarrassment.

He nodded. His mind sighed in relieve as long as he wasn't plan to steal Even. But Kris and Mikael? Isak wondered. If they were together in the future, they would make the most intimidating couple Isak ever know. 

" Um..so I'd better go now, and any emergency, just call ok?" Kris told Even, and he nodded. 

After Kris left from their sight. He turned his attention back to Even who was looking down to his boots and kept shuffling and crunching on the snow to keep himself warm. Isak tried to search for his face underneath that hood, and possibly his thoughts. He had zero clue of what was on Even's mind or what he was thinking. 

" So..I see your bench is already occupied." Isak joked, looking at the bench that was almost completely covered with a pile of snow.

" I know, but it's ok. I can still sit." Even said and just dropped himself on it. 

" What are you doing!?!" Isak asked, and shook his head in disbelief.

" I'm sitting obviously." He laughed.

Isak looked at him and thought how childish Even was sometimes.

" You are crazy!" He shook his head. 

Even finally got up from the bench and sat on the snowy grass. He took out something from his backpack. _Sandwiches_.

" You haven't eaten yet?" Isak asked. Even shook his head.

" No, not since morning, I didn't really have time today. Um..too many customers." He looked up at Isak and quickly looked down, avoiding his gaze. 

" I have one more, you can have it" 

Even passed him the sandwich. It was stuffed with lots of fresh vegetables and few slices of smoked salmon, with perfect layers of ingredients like it was specially prepared. Isak knelt down but chose to sit on his heels instead as he took the sandwich from him. 

" You made one for me too?" 

Isak looked at the sandwich in his hand and smiled. Beside his parents, noone ever made a sandwich for him before. Perhaps, this was a sign that he cared about him too. Isak smilingly gazed at him.

" Um.." 

He could see Even blushed a little before he spoke again. 

" I.I just thought you might be hungry too..and when I made one, it looked pretty lonely in my backpack, so..." He bit his lips and tried to avoid the gaze. But Isak saw how shy Even was when he said that. 

" So it was for me then!" Isak teased him again.

Even looked up at him, " Well, if you don't want it, I'm happy to eat both!" Even said, and reached out his hand to take back the sandwich, but Isak swiftly grabbed his hand and held it tight as he drew a deep breath.

" I want this, Even. I really want it." He paused "..and thank you."

Isak still held his hand, but he could feel the movement within his grip. He knew Even was trying to wiggle his way out, but he had nothing to fight against him when it came to strength. Besides, he just wanted to hold his cold hand a little longer, so he decided to firm his grip even further and get his attention, and it worked like magic, Even looked at him immediately.

" I. I need my hand back." 

" Is it ok if I hold your hand a little longer?" He asked.

" I can't eat with one hand." Even took a brief look at him and turned away once he saw that Isak was still looking at him.

Isak looked at how Even seemed to blush more often since that day. It made him feel satisfyingly happy. Maybe he should tease him more often, since Even looked adorable when he blushed.

" Well, I can feed you." He grinned.

Even immediately stopped chewing his bread and slowly turned to face him. He blushed again.

" I.I'm sorry. I really want my hand back, Isak. I'm not used to this." He looked down, avoiding the gaze.

Isak frowned and released his hand right away. He sighed quietly. It made him frustrated, because he knew Even must have had feeling for him too. He had the sandwich in his hand as a solid proof. But somehow, he seemed to convey his feeling rather different from others he'd dated. He stole a glance at him again, but Even just focused on his sandwich while gazed up to the hue of grey sky every now and then. It was like he was living in his own world. _Or was he like a closed book that never wished to be reopened?_

Isak closed his eyes and curled his hand losely into a fist and knock himself lightly in the head, in hope that maybe he was living in a daze and wanted to wake up into reality and realised that maybe he didn't love him. But once he opened his eyes, and saw the pair of blues staring right at him. Same chills, same heat. That didn't work. He was definitely still very much in love with him. But whatever that was on his mind right now, it seemed Even still kept looking at him.

" What are you doing?" He asked. 

" Uh..nothing" Isak blushed. He realised he probably didn't need a jacket after all.

" You have crumbs on your lip." Isak said, as he ran his thumb over his lip without thinking, until he did, and saw Even staring back at him. He looked pretty shocked.

" Um..thanks" Even said, and immediately dropped his eyelids to the ground and turned his face away. 

Even didn't say a word since, and it made him frustrated down to the core. And when Even got up and turned around to look at him, it made him feel even more anxious. He didn't know if Even was happy or not happy, angry or not angry, so he kept shuffling his eyes between Even and a brown leaf in front of him. Suddenly, his calm voice reached his ears.

" I'm sorry, I start to get very cold. Can we walk a little?"

Isak gazed up at him and exhaled softly in relieve, and broke out into a grin. But he also thought of a better idea to make Even feel warm. He could reach out his arm and sweep that body into his warm embrace. He looked up at Even again, maybe some other time. Even was smiling at him right now, and he was so going to ruin it if he actually did that. Isak closed his eyes for a second just to keep himself together, including his hands.

" Sure! Definitely." He got up and patted away all the snow that clung on to his jacket hem. But as he turned around, he saw Even was rolling the snow into what appeared to be just a little bit bigger than a tennis size ball.

" What are you doing?" 

" Uh..I'm making a mini snowman" And he giggled slightly.

" That was way too small, isn't it. You wanna make a bigger one? " He asked.

Even lifted his eyebrow, and then frowned " I don't think there's enough snow here though" 

That was a very good last minute idea, Isak thought. There was a perfect place that they could make the proper sized one. The field that used to hold the festival was now blanketed in snow when he walked past a while back, and he already saw groups of people were building ones.

" I saw a field that's perfect to make one! Wanna go?" He asked.

Even looked surprised, but it looked like it was a good surprise because he nodded smilingly in enthusiasm.

" You really want to make a snowman ? Not too childish for you?" Even asked, with excitememt written all over his face.

It was just a snowman. He didn't get why Even got so excited out of a sudden. He was like a child exploring world for the first time. Isak couldn't help but secretly smiled at him. 

" Of course Even! and I think we should go now before it gets too dark." 

As they started walking towards the area, Isak stole a glance at him, and decided to ask because Even seemed like he couldn't stop smiling.

" You're so excited with just making a snowman? Seriously? Never made one?" 

Even looked at him and nodded " I did, well..sort of. I did make a small one before but it looked so miserable that if it were to come to life, it probably wanted to pull out the stick from his arm and stabbed me" He laughed. " And Mikael is very lousy at making one, more like a snow monster!" He giggled and paused for a while " And I guess I never actually made a real big one before. "

" Why not?"

" I just couldn't finish one I guess." He sighed.

" Well, you could have made one with your friends, you know, the place you stayed, you must have had friends there right?"

Isak felt bad for asking that, because Even tense up immediately.

" Even, if I said something wrong,...."

" It's ok Isak" He smiled. " I did have friends actually, but just a few, and they all left the place so..in the end, I guess it's just me." He paused and sighed softly, "..and noone else wanted to make one with me because I'm too slow, and sometimes I.I just couldn't, so I only made a very small one" He shrugged slightly.

And though the sky was gloomy enough to cast shadow over the area, with light snow occasionally brushed against their faces, but Isak could still see the wet sparkles slowly forming in his eyes. He didn't know what his past was like, that made Even the way he was, but he wished he could permanently erase that sad look he had right now.

He stepped in front of Even and faced him. 

"What is it, Isak?"

He didn't say anything but pulled Even's hands out of the pockets and held them tightly, as he gazed up and looked at him.

" It won't have to be just you anymore, Even. And well, I have to admit it's kinda childish, but..if I'm going to be making one with you, I think it's worth the time spent. We can even build one together every year or..or as many as you want, or we can even made one out of mud and soil if there's no snow."

Actually, he didn't really know what he was saying, and it seemed Even was left confused for a moment too.

" I don't think you can build a snowman out of mud, Isak. Woudn't that be more like...a mudman?" And he chuckled slightly. 

Even did make a good point, definitly wouldn't call it a snowman. But it was funny how Even could think of that. But he knew he wanted to get his point across.

" Wh.what I mean is, I seriously don't care what we'll be doing, as long as I'll be doing it with you, Even."

Isak looked down to his hands and used his thumbs to gently rub the back of his hands. He didn't know what Even would say, but whatever that escaped his lips, it seemed that he was returned with tears that slowly streamed down from his eyes. Isak reached out his hand and gently wiped away the sadness. Even gazed back at him.

" Why are you so nice to me, Isak? You really don't have to." And he immediately looked to the ground.

" Of course, I have to and I want to. You should know why."

It seemed like Even wanted to say something, but his eyes fell upon the field of white where he saw groups of people were making the snowman. Isak looked at Even who just dropped all their meaningful conversation and ran to the field. 

" Even! Wait for me!" He shouted and ran after him.

" This is so cool! " Even said, and smiled widely.

Isak thought for a second, _Yes, so cool._ He shook his head in disbelief. He might actually believed he was in love with a seven year old. He wanted to continue with what they left off, but he didn't want to spoil the look on his face right now either. Even looked so happy, so he decided to drop the subject for the time being and started to inspect the snow like an investigator instead.

" I think we should make your first proper size snowman there." He grinned broadly and pointed towards the part with less people. Even nodded.

The snow at this part wasn't perfect, but there were less people here. _Ideal place._ He showed Even how to roll into a big snowball. They pushed and rolled together their first giant ball of snow, assuming to be the body. Isak had to agree that Even was very slow indeed because he kept stopping in between to catch his breath. He got tired too easily. In the end it took them almost half an hour to just make the base. Isak believed he could definitely do it faster by himself, but he wanted them to build it together through the whole process. And it seemed Even appreciated that, because he could see the embarrassing smile spreaded across his face. 

He looked at Even who went on to roll the smaller one for the head. 

" Are we making two or three snowballs" Isak asked as he wasn't sure if three would be too big, since the base they made looked pretty massive.

" Um..two is enough, I guess, I'm already a little tired " and he continued shaping the ball for the head.

Isak nodded. He lifted up the smaller snowball that Even made and place it on top, with the help of a little icy water from a puddle nearby to glue the two together, while Even managed to find two uneven large sizes of pebble stones to make the eyes, and branch sticks for the arms. But there was no nose, no mouth, no hat, no buttons to make it look like it was wearing something. It was a naked snowman. Isak and Even stood next to each other, tilted their heads in the same direction and looked at the work they had done. It looked pathetic. The body looked way too big for the tiny head, and the eyes were too big for the head, and it couldn't even breathe, or eat. It kinda missed on something. A lot of things actually.

Isak took a peek at Even. "Well, we don't have carrot and also.....the rest of the things. It's not as nice as I thought it would be, sorry."

" What are you talking about?" Even grinned in excitement. "It's still perfect!" He took off his scarf and wrap around its neck. 

" Even. You're gonna get cold!" Isak said.

" It's ok, at least my snowman is warm!" He grinned proudly. 

Isak had to agree, it looked much better with the scarf. He stole a glance at Even who stood in front of him, looked up to the sky and let the snow fall on his face, and into his mouth as if he was having a freshly made snowcone straight down from a machine, then he slowly curved his mouth into a smile and looked back at him.

" It tastes like nothing!" He laughed.

Isak rolled his eyes, " Seriously, how old are you!"

Even shrugged, " Well, I've never really have chance to enjoy so.."

" You don't come out much?" He asked.

Even shook his head _No._ " I normally hybernate indoor." He frowned, but looked back at him and smiled " you should try!"

" What!? Definitely not! I'm not a child like you, just so you know" He smirked

Isak decided to walk closer to him just a little bit more, but he blushed immediately when he saw Even suddenly turned back to look at him and his eyes crinkled to a smile.

" Thank you Isak, this is fun." he said. 

" Ya..this is really fun." Isak smiled and nodded in agreement.

Even walked off to get his backpack, so he let his mind wandered off for a while, thinking about the upcoming competition and the arduous training that he would have to endure, and his coach. His eardrum felt pain just by thinking about him. And also, he didn't know if he could find the time to spend with Even as often since he just found out that he had to help his head coach train one of the guys, unless Even agreed to meet him at his training centre. He could let Even sleep in his recovery room while waiting, and they could hang out a while before sending him home. But he could also asked Even to wait for him at the cafe, but it might be a little late at night. Or he could even showed up at his apartment, but Mikael might be there. He sighed loudly and scratched his head in confusion trying to sort out his time in his head. 

However, his wandering mind was cut short abruptly by the cold sensation on his face. He looked around and saw Even was throwing the snowballs at him. 

" Even! Are you gonna fight me!" He shouted at him and quickly made a snowball and threw back at him but Even managed to escape. 

" You can't win me, Even!" He made another bigger ball and threw at him, while Even quickly made even more balls and fought back.

Isak ran after him. Even might have longer legs, but he knew he was definitely faster. But before he could reach him, he heard someone yelling out his name.

" Isak!"

He turned around and looked at who disturbed the moment at the wrong time and wrong place again.

" Hi Rob!"

" Hi Isak" He smiled brightly.

" What are you doing here?" He asked, but his eyes fell on the tall figure that just stood far away next to a tree.

" I came here with a group of friends over there."

Isak nodded. Why must this be the only snow field within the radius. He sighed silently, and waved at them briefly just for manner sake, before shifting his eyes back towards Even who just sat down under the tree. He didn't pay much attention to what this kid was saying, he wanted to excuse himself to see if Even was ok. He didn't know where the feeling came from, but he always felt like Even wasn't really well most of the time. And it didn't help now that he saw Even was huddling himself in one ball again. 

"....us?" Rob asked.

" Huh? Sorry, what?"

" I asked if you wanna join us?"

" Uh..no thanks, but anyway, I really have to go, I'll see you next week" 

Isak hurriedly ran off towards the tall guy. He had a not so good feeling in his stomach. 

" Even?" 

Isak knelt down to take a closer look at him. Even looked up and smiled at him but he looked really pale. 

" Even, are you feeling sick?" He asked.

" I think I'm just.. tired." And he rested his head by the side on his knees with his eyes closed.

" We can go back now if you want?" Isak took out his phone and looked at the time. It was almost seven. He could take bus and accompanied him home.

Even looked at him and nodded " Can I just sit here a while first?"

" Even, are you sure you're ok?"

Even nodded, but he looked so strained of energy, and he must feel really cold from how his body was trembling all over. He immediately sat right beside him with his knees up, and kept looking at him as if, if he were to look at him long enough, the colour would find its way back to his face. Isak decided to reach out his arm, wrapped around his shoulder and gently pulled him in closer.

" Isak, don't.." Even was very reluctant and tried to move away, but he knew Even had no strength, and he was not in a position to bargain with him right now.

" Even, just rest, you're shaking." And he pulled him in again, and let his head fall into the crook of his neck and held him there, with another arm across his chest to keep him warm. Isak secretly smiled, because this time, Even didn't resist. He must be really exhausted. 

"I think your friend is still waiting for you." Even said as his eyes looked to the field.

"Huh?" 

He hadn't been paying any attention to anything else around him beside Even. He finally looked up, and saw Rob was smiling and waving at him from a distance, so he just waved back as a gesture, but quickly looked back to the more important one right here. He knew that this kid was trying to hit on him, he could feel it. If it were back then, he might have shown some interest, but right now, he didn't feel like it at all.

" He is just some guy I have to help train next week, don't worry." 

Even nodded and closed his eyes. Isak gently stroke his arm to keep him warm. He was happy that Even was just right here, leaning on him. He could hear his own heart was beating fast, but it was a mixture between love and worry, and he didn't know why he always felt worried towards him.

" Feeling better?" He asked as soon as he could feel his head slightly moved.

"I'm sorry, Isak. I couldn't play with you longer." He said and wanted to move back up, but Isak stopped him with his hand on his cheek, and gently pushed his head back down. 

" Isak.."

" Can you stay like this a bit longer?"

He liked this feeling. It felt like they were already a couple. Even was just right here but his face was very cold and clammy. He looked at him again just to make sure he was ok. But Even suddenly said something,

" I think your friend is watching us, Isak." 

Isak looked up and saw Rob was still there with his friends but kept his gaze at him. He had to admit how this kid openly stared at him was kinda attractive. It made him feel desired, he missed the feeling sometimes. But again, his heart was fully occupied by the very person right beside him. He stole a glance at him and felt relaxed right away. As he about to reach out, wanted to touch his face one more time, Even suddenly said,

" I think maybe he likes you, Isak." Even said.

" I know."

He could feel Even tense up a little but he didn't say anything. Isak broke out into a smile.

" Does that bother you?" He asked.

Even stayed quiet for a while, like he was trying to think of something. Isak saw him sat back up and moved an inch or two away from him, and he shifted his eyes to another direction.

" Even? Does it bother you much?"

" I.I don't know Isak. I don't think.., I shouldn't." And he kept shaking his head in denial and hugged himself tighter.

Isak didn't understand why Even was so afraid to let himself feel, and maybe he could never understand this part of Even. But the only thing he knew for sure right at this moment was, Even definitly had feeling for him. Isak curved his lips up slightly into a smile and moved closer to him. His hand found a place on his cheek and he gently twisted that beautiful face back to him.

" Isak, I.." And his eyes looked down, avoiding the gaze.

" Even, I don't know what you're so afraid of, but..I love spending every minute with you." 

Even looked up and gazed back at him for a brief moment before he shifted his eyes to somewhere else. " I'm not ..I'm not normal, Isak..and I'm slow, and I'm weak, and.."

" I don't care, Even. I know I can deal with whatever in you."

He was surprised when Even gazed back at him again, and he couldn't feel any happier. And this time, it was more like he was gazing right into his soul. He could feel the heat rushing up to his face. But he composed himself well enough. He knew this was the right time he could get answer from Even. He could feel it.

Isak could see his face softened and smiled warmly back at him " You could really deal with ...everything?" He asked, and he looked so eager to know the answer.

It made Isak wondered a little what else is in store for him. He knew Even had bipolar, but that wasn't a big deal to him. Even was weird, that was obvious, at least to him. Even was weak, if he had to be honest. Even was slow, he couldn't agree more. He got agitated and uncomfortable easily. He couldn't even ride a bicycle nor swim, definitely not the sporty type as his previous boyfriends. In fact, Even was totally the opposite. He was the guy who lived in a nutshell, intricate, and fragile. And if he had to put all these together, Even was just like the snowman they made together. A combination of imperfections that made it perfect. No other snowman on this field was gonna be as good as the one they made together. The look on his face when completed it made it irreplaceable, and he loved it. He loved Even. Isak looked at him again with a broad smile on his face.

Isak nodded, " Of course I could, how bad could it be, right?"

" Isak, but.."

" Do you have a tiny bit of feeling for me?"

It might be a little straight forward question, but 'feeling' could lead to something more in the near future. He could see that Even avoided his gaze with agitated look on his face again, but as soon as he nodded, Isak couldn't help but broke out into a smile.

" So..you think you can go out with me like a real couple? I can teach you how to love me!" 

Maybe he was a little too overly confident. But this was definitely the right time to tackle Even and get what he wanted. He knew Even was the one to keep, and he wasn't going to lose him to anyone else.

" Huh..wh.what? I.I don't think you can teach people to love, Isak. I don't think that's how it works." He said while looking super uncomfortable.

"Well, that's exactly how it's going to work." He paused before continue, " Why don't we start by you being my boyfriend. ...Will you be...mine?" He asked, and took a peek at him while holding his own breath.

Whatever came out, came out. He could feel his own heart about to pop right out of his chest waiting for Even to say something. Even was one difficult complicated guy to deal with after all. He saw Even retreated back to his shell thinking for a really long time. And even though Even avoided his gaze by looking to the ground, but he made him broke out into a big grin when he said, " I.I don't know how to be with anyone, Isak. But..maybe.I could..be that."

  



	9. Chapter 9

_Boyfriend_?

He didn't know what made him decide to take that leap into the unknown. He finally allowed his heart to reopen and feel the exhilaration of love and being loved again, and Isak was going to be the part of that equation. He was excited, but he was also afraid because he didn't actually know how to be one. Because all his life, he was so used to not having anyone, and he was so used to be alone with himself that he forgot how to share that space in him. 

Even stood still looking down to the pan in front of him. The glow in his eyes diminished and replaced by endless questions and worries that started to loom all over his face. It was such an irony to think that the perfect person like Isak could love a broken person like him. And it was even more ironic that he allowed himself to feel for him, and to think that this might actually work. How many sweet words Isak spoke? How many gazes he gave? How many hands he held..or touched? He was now soon to be Isak's past. Half a year? One year at most if he was lucky. That was how long Isak held the relationship, _wasn't he._

Even curved up his mouth just a tiny bit into a small smile and tried to think of something positive, and pushed that dark matter back to where it came from. Isak was good to him and he loved him. He had to remember that. But again, can it last til the very last beat of his heart? And the smile soon turned bitter again when his eyes fell on the yellow fluffy thing in the pan that slowly started to turn dry, with burning smell that began to fill up the area, but he didn't want to move his eyes away from it. Not yet. He wanted to see how dry up that thing on the pan could be. How it would look like when it was left to burn. One day, Isak would leave his heart dry just like this. burnt just like this. Did Isak already think about moving on from him? Was he, himself adequated enough to receive the love he was given? Was he even well enough to love anyone?

Even looked to the clouds of smoke that started to rise up. Suddenly, someone removed it away from him. His gaze followed the thing inside the pan that was now being thrown into the waste bin. That was how it was going to be. Isak would discard him just like that. Even frowned at the thought of it, and immediately turned his face away and closed his eyes just to keep himself together. He knew he had already put himself in a position to lose it, all over again. He took a long deep breath and held it there, because..that was how love felt like. His face started to turn red, until someone smacked behind his head, and he coughed immediately, followed by a discomfort in his chest the minute he started to breathe again. And he quietly panicked at the feeling, like someone was holding his heart and squeezed it as if it was a stress ball. He closed his eyes, breathed out slowly and quietly, and he thought to himself, it shouldn't be a concern. It wasn't like last time. He could still perform daily task normally without a problem. He just needed to relax and stopped filling up his brain with sawdust. Even gave himself a nod quietly to reassure himself that he had everything under control, and everything was going to be fine.

" What are you thinking, Even!" 

Mikael stood yelling behind him while showing him the burnt pan before he walked out of the kitchen. Even snapped his mind right back to the present. As he looked around, he realised that he was still in the kitchen, and he was suppposed to cook breakfast for hungry customers out there. He shook his head slightly and try to concentrate on the thing right in front of him. There was no use thinking about his relationship with Isak now. It had just begun, and his loser mind already assumed the worst and headed towards the end of it. 

Finally, most customers had already left. He felt tired, he felt sick, but he also felt excited because he was going to be spending time with Isak this whole afternoon, sort of. Isak would have to finish his training first and he could wait in his personal room. The thought of that warm bed in the room already relaxed his mind. He definitely loved his napping time.

Even took a few steps and looked through the small rectangular glass panel of the traffic door, and saw Mikael was on the phone giggling, maybe with Kris, he could only assume. He excused himself to the mens room, stood in front of the basin, and splashed his face with icy cold water over and over again just to wake himself up, and took the phone out from his back pocket, and his eyes turned wide. _Shit! Isak!_ Even hurried back to the kitchen, grabbed the sandwich bag and gestured Mikael and immediately left without listening to what Mikael was shouting at him for. He was going to be late. He didn't want to. 

................

Even ran as fast as he could at a breakneck pace with a cracking sound of snow under his feet. He promised Isak that he would meet him at the front gate of his training place. He'd been held back in the kitchen for way too long than expected, completely forgot about the time. But what's worse was, he had just realised he only wore a tshirt without his hoodies nor jacket, and no wonder people looked at him weirdly when he ran past them. The funny thing was, as soon as he realised this, his skin magically detected the cold sensation right away, sending chills down to the tip end of his spine. He stopped for a brief moment to catch some breath. _How stupid could he be?_ He shook his head. But he was already more than half way, there was no way he was going to run back and forth. His energy was only capable for a one way traffic, and it had begun to deplete drastically. He wanted so bad to just sit down and take a long rest, but he couldn't.

Even closed his eyes and tried to collect himself. He tucked his hand in all his jeans pockets back and front and surprised to find a cut out pill from a blister pack in one of the pockets together with some receipts. He discarded the receipts and tried to think if he had taken his antipsychotic medication within these few hours. He knew he could not mix the two together. Even popped the pill and chewed it slowly, followed by a few dry coughs. He placed a hand on his chest, as if he wanted to tell his heart to not betray him or unfriend him just yet. Not today. Not when he was going to meet his boyfriend. Not when he had no life saver within his grasp. He gave himself a quiet nod to remind himself that he was so going to meet Isak today regardless, and they would spend time together. _His first boyfriend_ , and the first person he had the feeling for, he wanted to make it work eventhough he knew it was going to be tough. Isak was a public figure, while he was just this weird guy who always felt out of place. He shook that insecuritites within himself away, he still had a mission to do.

Even looked at the brown paper bag in his hand and gripped it tightly. It was Isak's lunch. He had requested him to make the extra size sandwich where every ingredient was to be triple, especially the meat part. _He was one hungry man._ Even took a deep shaky cold breath in. He knew it was just a few hundred metres away. He hoped he could reach there in one piece, surely didn't want Isak to be hungry because he couldn't be there in time during his lunch break. And he didn't want to mess up anything when they just started their relationship. _Relationship?_ He smiled softly to himself at the thought of it, and breathed out quietly. He looked to the path in front of him, and started to pace himself up, and thought of getting into the building as soon as they met.

Even looked at his watch again. Suddenly someone just grabbed his arm and dragged him hastily to the other side of the road, followed by a loud horn and a disgruntled voice from a VIP, a very impatient person. The guy just drove past him like a lightening bolt, but still managed to yell something at him, and he wished he didn't hear. His eyes were still following that sports car until it was out of his sight. If the guy drove faster than this, he could probably break the world's record and reached hell in five seconds, or so he thought.

He turned around and looked at the person, _Isak?_ but he looked dead angry and dead serious. Was he that late? Maybe this relationship would end now or more like, it never happened. He could accept that. He could still mend his heart. 

Even immediately avoided that stare from him and chose to look at the pedestrian crossing light instead. But it wasn't the happy walking green man he saw. Turned out, the man had already turned angry bright red. He shouldn't cross the road. He'd been looking at the watch that he forgot to pay attention. Just a split second, he might not be able to pass him the lunch he carefully prepared for him at all. 

" Even! why don't you watch out for traffic! " Isak shouted so loud that he immediately froze, and at the same time, he felt that his body was still on the road, pretty much in shock from whatever might have happened if Isak wasn't here.   
  
He had nothing to say. It was his own fault. He should have watched out for traffic, but he didn't. Even kept staring at the tiny dead tree branch on the ground, as if he wanted to inspect the cause of its death. But he knew he was trying to stay focused and not to pass out in front of Isak. He felt super dizzy and super tired, so he just kept quiet all the way through his yelling.

" Even, I'm just scared, I didn't mean to yell." His voice was getting softer but still looked at him intently in the eye. Even could feel his intense gaze without even have to look at him directly. Isak was angry with him. 

He looked up at Isak but he had nothing to say. He just felt lightheaded. He wanted to say sorry but he couldn't even make a sound out of his throat. He just didn't want to move any part of his body at all at this point.

" Even? And why are you wearing like this?" He asked.

Even had no answer. He just rushed out and he forgot many things he shouldn't. He only knew that right now he felt like his soul and his body were separating from each other.

"Even?" Isak shook him lightly. 

" Are you ok? Even?" Isak shook him again. He knew Isak was standing right in front of him, and gripped on his arms, but everything was a blur to him. He couldn't feel anything, not even when his legs already gave way, but someone caught him in time.

" Even!" 

He could feel someone pulled him in and held him, and wanted to bring him somewhere, but he didn't even know if he was standing or sitting, and didn't even know his eyes were opened or closed. He only felt his head fell on his shoulder. Isak immediately lay him down on the ground and shook him slightly.

" Even!" 

" Even!"

Someone shook his shoulder. As he blinked his eyes opened, He saw Isak was just above him, his hand still placed on his shoulder. Isak was on hands and knees, hovering over him and gazing down at him, and sighed in relieve. 

" Even? Are you ok? How.How are you feeling?" Isak said and drew out a few shaky breath.

Even just stared blankly into his eyes, like he didn't know what just happened. He didn't even know he was already on the ground. But he saw Isak reached out his hand and brushed away a strand of hair from his forehead. Even froze once he realised that, that very hand was now trailing down and cupped the side of his face while his thumb stroke gently on his cheek. And for a moment, it made him wondered if Isak touched his previous boyfriends this way too. They locked their gaze for a few moment until he found the key to escape the uncomfortable eye contact. How Isak gazed at him now was unusually intense that he had to hurriedly look away to the white fluff that piled up on the pavement. His gaze made him feel like he was the only one that matter, and nothing else. 

" Even, can you..can you say something so I know that you're ok?" Isak asked, and his voice was so soft and so gentle, and Even could still hear him panting above him.

He decided to look back at him just for a bit, but he was still pretty much not himself. Only half of his soul was retrieved back to his body, while the other half was still roaming somewhere. But what crept up on his mind right at this very moment was the feeling of embarrassment that made him not being able to hold the gaze with Isak fully just yet. And he wished for the snow that stuck on the tree to just drop down and cover all his face. But that didn't happen, so the only thing he could do was giving Isak a nod. But he sighed silently in relieve that it wasn't his heart unfriended him, it was just his lazy blood that forgot to feed his brain.

" Even, I'm gonna move you up, is it ok?" He asked.

Even nodded

" What happened, Even?"

" I just felt dizzy I guess."

That was the best answer he could give. It just happened so fast that he didn't even know.  
  
" Do you feel better now?" He asked.

" Ya ..I think I'm ok now."

He saw Isak took off his jacket and he immediately stopped him.

" No, Isak. I can't. You.you're gonna be cold."

" Seriouly? from what happened just now, I think my body temperature just shot up by a hundred degree...and you're shivering!..why are you wearing like this?" He asked, while immediately covered him with his jacket.

" I kinda rushed out..I.I don't want to be late, am I already late? and.." 

Something was missing. Even emerged out from the warm jacket and immediately looked around. " Your lunch!" and he was getting panicked. Isak grabbed the paper bag from behind and showed it to him right away. 

" It's here, Even! It's here."

He sighed in relieve. He thought that car already smashed it without mercy. His eyes wandered off to the road again just to make sure, and he felt a little warmer again when Isak covered him back with his jacket.

" Even? You just ran here because you're scared I won't get my lunch in time?"

He nodded slowly, " I just thought..you're the type that never want to miss a meal."

Actually, he was thinking that he didn't want to mess it up. He had to be on time. He didn't understand himself either why he wanted to put so much effort, but he just knew he had to be perfect for him. Past experience had taught him that if he was perfect, noone was going to leave him. 

He saw Isak gazed intently at him again, but now he was whole enough to meet that gaze.

" Even, I'd rather skip a meal than seeing something like this. You could have..you could have..I mean something bad could have happened." He said with a shaky voice. " And you don't even wear proper clothes." He frowned,

" Come, Even. I'll carry you to the building" Isak said and gestured him to climb on his back.

He was hesitated. He didn't think it was appropriate. People inside the building would see, and they would talk, and he definitely didn't like the idea that people would talk about him, be it good or bad. He just like to be left by himself, not known by anyone. _Couldn't their relationship be between them without anyone knowing it?_

" I can walk, Isak" He might not sound convincing but he didn't think letting Isak carry him was a good idea either.

" Even, I'm not asking you, and this is not a request. Just climb on my back, I can get you a shirt and sweater and you can wear this jacket." 

Even closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He felt so embarrassed. He felt less. He felt incompetent. But he also didn't feel well enough to reach the building on his unsteady limbs too, so he just let Isak carry him, and chose to buried his face in the crook of his neck. He didn't want to be spotted, seen, noticed, recognised, remembered. He could smell that chlorine smell again, but somehow he liked it. It felt like home that he unintentionally hugged him tighter. And he thought Isak would be very uncomfortable, but it looked like he was blushing and smiling.

" I think I can carry you everyday if you're gonna bury your face in my neck like this everytime."

He had no words to reply. Isak always teased him when he did or said something weird. So he just kept quiet and tried to sleep for a bit. And even though it was just a very short distance to reach his room within the facilities, it felt quite nice to just take a nap this way on his back. His warm body and the chlorine smell made him yawned a little as he closed his eyes.

" Even?"

" Even?"

He opened his eyes after just a few minutes from napping. Why would Isak want to wake him up again.

" Um..Am I too heavy? I. I can walk." 

" You? heavy?" he giggled " I think I can walk with you on my back whole day!"

Ok. So Isak was very exaggerating, and it wasn't his weight but ..  
  
"..something's wrong?"

" No..I just. I just want to make sure you're ok and not passing out. Sorry, I just get worried sometimes." 

Even stayed quiet. He didn't feel like there was much to reply. And that was very typical how people viewed him as. The only thing he could stutter out was, " I'm ok." But within minutes, the sudden wind that hit on his face and his nose made him felt like someone was trying to stress ball his heart again, and he gasped.

" Even? Are you ok?" Isak asked, and turned to look at him.

" Ya, I.I think."

And that was his honest reply. He didn't know what happened either. He felt pain but it wasn't that unbearable that made him think it was serious. 

They had entered the building and arrived the hall area, and Even was trying to nudge his way in even further into his neck. He felt very uncomfortable when many eyes were gazing at them. But he heard Isak giggled, and that made him opened his eyes and looked at him. 

" What are you doing, Even? Are you trying to make me laugh?"

" Sorry" 

They walked past the gym area and he saw many sweaty atheletes inside doing their routines, when someone saw them and just opened the door. It was that guy from that day that made him felt uncomfortable because he kept looking at Isak. 

" Hey Isak! " Rob greeted with his bubbly smile.

" Oh, hi Rob" 

He could feel the gaze from that guy but there was no other object for him to focus on. Plus, at the position he was in, he could only either look at Isak's neck and the detail on the side of his face, or looked up to face the guy. He decided to choose his neck and his face, but was rejected by the guy in front of him when he called out his name. 

" So..finally I can see you up close! You're Even, right?"

Even looked up and faced him, and he nodded.

" I'm Rob" and he smiled widely at him. He looked very friendly, although his eyes said otherwise. His eyes told him to get down from his back, but he was Isak's boyfriend. He had the right to occupy his back, _didn't he?_ Even took a super quick glance at him again, and his eyes now spoke to him again and said, he didn't belong there. It was a like a second warning, and it made him feel guilty like maybe he should get down, so he tried to twist his way out but he felt Isak held his legs even tighter, telling him to stay still.

" Why are you on his back?" Rob asked.

But before Even replied anything, Isak just said,

" He wasn't feeling well, a little accident. So, I'm going to bring my boyfriend to the room and rest a while." He shrugged.

Even could see a silent shocking face from the guy, but he himself felt pretty shock too at how Isak could just blatantly said that he was his boyfriend, just like that, while he was trying to hide himself and kept quiet and be invincible. Even looked up and met the stare again, and somehow he felt his stare posted more like a threat to him now, but strangely enough, the guy later broke out into a smile. It made him think that Rob was probably a psycho.

" I'll see you at the swimming pool then, Isak! Can't wait." and he walked back into the gym.

...........

Once they entered to room. Even immediately got down from his back. He looked around the room which looked exactly like last time. There was nothing much, and the only thing that drew his attention was the bed at the corner. He really wanted to rest a while now.

" Even, you can wear this shirt, probably the longest I have" He paused "And here, I have a few hoodies you can choose" He said while showing all his sportswear in the closet. " Well, back in my apartment, I would have more, but I hope this is ok for you." 

" Well, I'm not picky" He said " ..and thanks."

He saw Isak walked out off the room, so he decided to take off his wet shirt and tried to pick his clothes. But at the same time he was thinking about a while ago when Isak just told that guy that he was his boyfriend out loud. He didn't know if he felt happy or uncomfortable. It might be the mixture of both. He smiled to himself and picked the longest shirt Isak had.

" Even, do you need more........" Isak gasped and paused " ...more towels." 

Even stopped whatever he was doing including the smile on his face, and turned around right away to face him. And he could see Isak gasped again while his eyes were staring at him like he was a strange creature.

And Even, he just stood there trembling, and was terrified that Isak saw him, like this. And he couldn't even speak or make any excuse when there was none to make. So he just stood there feeling fragile, and he slowly took a few steps back until he hit the wall. There was no place for him to run. He hurriedly grabbed the shirt that dropped on the floor, but Isak walked in to close the space and stopped him with a hand on his chest. 

" Even." 

He had nothing to say. He felt the imperfection on him. He just turned his face away and closed his eyes, wanting to just disappear. But he immediately winced once he felt the chill on his chest. Isak was trailing along the thin raised scar with his fingers. It wasn't that long, only five inches, but it was obvious enough when its colour stood out from his pale skin.

" Does it.. hurt?" He asked, and his voice was the softest Even ever heard him say.

He could see how Isak gazed at him. He didn't know what it meant, but his gaze was looking right inside him, like he was trying to dig something out of his mind, or tried to tear him apart, while his fingers kept drawing along the incision line on his chest, the scar tissue he held for years.

Even shook his head " No... not anymore." And he grabbed Isak's hand to stop him from touching it, but Isak wiggled his hand out and touched it again.

" I wanna feel it Even" He said, " And this?...someone.. cut it opened."

Even nodded slowly. It was pretty obvious. He definitely would never do this to himself. He didn't know why Isak posted this kind of strange question, although it felt more like a statement. But he was also uncomfortable, because it brought him back to the day when he woke up from his first operation, how sore and how pain he felt. The way Isak ran his fingers along it, made him feel like it had been cut opened yet again, and he felt so afraid.

" And.. someone had the power to decide...whether you live or....die?" 

The intense gaze Isak had on him, had made him really vulnerable. He didn't like how Isak looked at him right now, like he was looking at a dead person who was being brought back to life. 

" Well...apparently, he.he thinks I should live." He tittered just a little to break the sombre mood in the room, while his eyes were trying to search for something to look at, but all he could see was Isak, right in front of him.

" Is it...cured? You.you're ok now right?"

He couldn't lie even if he wanted to. One day Isak would see how much his heart hated him, and Isak would be scared and he would leave, just like his friends that didn't want to play nor dare to play with him. It would be better if Isak chose to leave now. Even took a deep breath while facing towards the floor, and he shook his head No.

" No....I'm not." 

He believed he could feel the gaze from Isak even if he were to close his eyes now. And in his broken mind, Isak was going to leave him. He tried to breathe out as quietly as possible. 

" And your back? I.I saw it. What happend, Even?"

There, the scar he felt so ashamed of. Isak was trying to know every single detail in his life, and he wasn't sure if he was ready to tell him, but he didn't think replying Isak by saying ' _Nothing_ ' would be suffice. Isak was going to ask until he got the answer. He could feel it. But he didn't want to think about it or talk about it, because it would make him have to think about his father and that scared him just by picturing. He chose to look away, and hoped Isak just dropped the subject, but it seemed that wasn't how Isak wanted.

" Even? Did..did someone..hurt you?"

_Hurt?_ Exactly, someone definitely hurt him, but it wasn't his father, was it. If he had to really think about who actually caused those scars, it was he, himself. Because he couldn't behave. Because he couldn't be the perfect son his parents wanted him to be. If he were a good boy, this would not happen. His father would never hurt him. Maybe his mother would never leave. He would still have a father and a mother. He would still live in his house. And maybe his parents would still love him if only he was... _perfect_.

" Even? Who hurt you?"

A soft spoken voice reached his ear at the same time the tears of defeat left his eyes. 

" It's me, Isak" He said , but his voice was barely audible. 

" Even." 

" I wasn't a very good son. I think I'd never been a good son before, so..it.it's me. I did this to myself, I deserved it." He gazed back at him again but the tears had already blurred his vision, and he couldn't see the person in front of him clearly anymore.

" Even, why would you say that?" Isak reached out his hand and wiped away all the injuries.

He didn't know either, but it was true. His father just tried to discipline him but he just couldn't care. He couldn't behave himself. And the thing was, as much as he wanted to believe that it wasn't his fault, there would always be something in his mind telling him that it was indeed, his fault. There was always a cause and a consequence. He was the cause and he deserved whatever that followed. 

Even closed his eyes for a brief moment, trying to put his brain back together. then he decided to wear back his slightly wet shirt without looking at Isak. He sat down, lifted his knees up with his back against the wall, and covered his face with both hands. He couldn't bear to see another person walking out on him again. His mind was never in the right place. What he said to Isak made him looked like an unsteady person with unsteady mind that didn't deserve to be loved. And with his face still buried into his palms not wanting to look at Isak, he said,

" You're going to be late." he paused, " As I said, I.I'm not normal..and I guess..I'm not the type for anyone to love after all."

He could only sense that Isak just stood in front of him. He didn't know if Isak wanted to continue with their relationship, or maybe he decided to just walk away. But he wasn't going to blame him. He didn't have the right mind or the right heart for him to love.

" Even?" Isak sat down and wrapped his arms around him, and it made him jumped a little, but he chose not to move away. Maybe he wanted to feel one last hug from him. For Isak to see him looking so battered, he was certain that Isak was going to leave him.

" Do you want to lie down on the bed?" He asked.

Even shook his head _No_. " I should go but I just need to rest a while, then I.I'll..." unable to finish the sentence, when his mind just shut down and fell into sleep. He didn't even realise he was leaning against Isak while his head fell on his chest, and Isak was still here, holding him gently in his arms. He only knew when he opened his eyes, Isak might not be here anymore, but it was going to be ok. He's already used to it.


	10. Chapter 10

Even was still here, leaning against him, surrounded by his arms, shivering in his slightly wet shirt with his eyes closed. His forehead was still as cold and clammy. Isak gazed down and gently caressed his shoulder before pulled him in even closer, and breathed out quietly. He decided to text his teammates that he would skip the gym today, but would join them later in the pool. And he still had to train Rob later on, he sighed. _Idiot Thomas_.

If one thing he'd learnt today about Even, Even was broken, and he was in love with a guy who was so insecure that he couldn't love himself. But the more important thing he'd found out, Even was ill, and he was always going to be ill. He never had to take care of anyone before, and he didn't know if he could, especially when it involved the thing that was so important inside his body. Isak didn't prepare for this flaw at all. He could deal with him being slow, weak, hesitant, and highly introverted, of which he found pretty cute and unique, if he were to be honest. He smiled slightly to himself, but his eyes turned gloomy once again when he drown himself into deep thoughts. 

For a person like himself that liked things to be planned out according to his will, he hated this, the uncertainty of this situation. He couldn't plan anything. He couldn't plan a future with the person who might just disappear from the surface of the earth at any moment. It made him frustrated, what if one day, all these just disappear. The time, the energy, and the effort he put in, would be for nothing. And that left him ponder, if he should just leave him and let him be. _What could he get out of this fragile soul below him?_

Isak kept his gaze at the person in his arms, tried to think of the reason, any reason, why he should walk off now. But all he could get out of this figure was his warm smile, soft spoken voice, and his caring and loving nature behind this beautiful face. His lips started to quiver and he shook his head _No way_. The thought of it already saddened him. He couldn't do it, not to him, not to Even. But he didn't know if he could care for him either. He knew what he felt towards the person, but _was it strong enough?_

Isak gazed down at him when there was a slight movement, it seemed Even had waked up and faced his reality once again, because his eyes just roamed around the room as if he didn't know where he was. Isak couldn't help but gave a soft chuckle at his reaction a little when Even came to realise that he was leaning on his chest, and within his arms. He looked hesitated, almost embarrassed. Even suddenly gazed up at him, and Isak could see how shocked and surprised he was, to find that he was still here wrapping his arms around him.

Their eyes locked together for a moment. Maybe it was different this time how they gazed deeply into one another. It was like their souls were intertwined and he felt everything around him just froze, not a single sound, nothing moved, except for his own hand that couldn't stop itself from caressing his cheek. And he knew how uncomfortable Even was, because he now looked away and tried to wiggle his way out of his arms. But he didn't allow Even to avoid him just yet. He gently lifted his chin up with his hand, while the other arm held him tightly against his chest.

He wanted to take a good look at him once more, perhaps he wanted to consider something or made some decision. And when Even finally gazed back at him, all his thoughts, his worries, and what he had been thinking previously just vanished into thin air, and replaced by love that filled up his eyes and in his heart. 

His love for this person was definitely strong enough, maybe even stronger now. And he came to realise that _maybe_ , maybe it wasn't because he couldn't deal with his disease or his damaged soul. He was more than certain that he could handle them now. But the thing he couldn't deal with was, what if something happened and Even was in pain. He had to watch him suffer without being able to help, and that scared him the most. And for the first time this would be the challenge he could not succeed nor accomplished, because he was already on a loser side. 

" You.. you're still here? " He asked, but his gaze was a mixture between shock and curious.

" Well, apparently, this is my room, if you've noticed" 

He didn't know why he still wanted to tease him, maybe he just loved to see his reaction when he looked confused and uncomfortable.

" M.Maybe I should go." He said in a low voice while trying to leave his warm circle.

" I think maybe you should stay." 

Isak wasn't going to let him out so soon. Maybe he didn't want to let him out at all. He just felt like he wanted Even to stay like this, within his arms forever, safe from everything. He held him even tighter this time, and Even gazed up at him.

" Isak.." 

" I'd love you to stay," and his thumb just kept brushing on his cheek gently.

" You know, I'm just starting to teach you how to love me, and it's not fair that you. you already taught me how to leave you?" He said, his face softened, and gazed intently into his eyes. " But..I think you failed miserably because.." He paused and breathed out quietly, 

" I'm still very much in love with you, Even."

There was a solemn gaze that shared between them in the room that filled with nothing but silence, not even when tears rolling down from his eyes and burning on his cheeks. Isak gently wiped away years of sadness from his face. He was surprised that Even still held his gaze with him this long without breaking it. His gaze was deep, like he was carefully studying him. _Did Even trust him and what he said?_ He'd liked to believe so.

He roamed his eyes around the face just below him, and suddenly, blood came rushing up and his heart started to race like a raging fire when he felt a cold hand touched him. Even put a gentle stroke on his cheek. Even never touched him before, accidently maybe, but not like this, not his face, and definitely not this way. He gasped, 

" Even."

" You're ok with me like this?" He paused, " ..you don't find me.. too sick or..too weird to be around?" He asked with his soft and gentle voice.

Isak smiled at how Even looked like a confused child in his arms. He grabbed his hand and pulled it down from his cheek and held it gently.

" I think I'm exactly where I suppose to be..and yes, you're weird." He nodded as a confirmation, " but you are my weird." and he smiled at him.

How Even blamed himself was definitely weird and stupid. His mind was not sound enough to think logically. It was like he was living in depression his whole life. Isak kept his gaze on him, but found Even shifted his eyes away and stared blankly to the door, and let his own thoughts consumed him yet again. He looked at the trembling body in his arms. And eventhough he could see the beautiful smile on his face when he suddenly gazed up at him, but it seemed he didn't look like he was doing well.

" Even? Now that we'll still be seeing each orther, so. can you please just wear my shirt now?"

Even looked away and kept quiet for a moment before he nodded. Isak helped him took of his dampen shirt and he couldn't help but looked at his chest again. He wasn't trying to be weird but it was just that he never see people had had operation before, at least not there, not that part. He looked away when it became a tad too obvious, because Even looked really uncomfortable with his stare, so he immediately helped him put on a clean dry shirt over his head, but didn't forget to run his fingers on it once more before he hurriedly pulled the fabric down to cover.

" Sorry Even, I didn't mean to." He apologised, feeling a little embarrased.

" It.It's just a scar." He smiled awkwardly

" But ..will there be next time?"

He knew he shouldn't ask, but he already let the words slipped out, and he was curious and worried. He only saw Even looked away and gave him an unconfident half shrug that said he didn't have the answer for him, before he drew breath and Isak immediately caught him winced a little. His hand automatically grabbed his arm.

" Even, you feel pain..there?" Maybe his reaction was a little too fast, but he was an athelete and he couldn't help but spotted those little things especially injuries, and even more so now, because he knew what was wrong with him.

" Um..not really" and he looked away and leant away from him a little.

" Don't lie to me. Even. I.I really need to know" He still had his hand on his arm, and he was not planning to let go until he got the honest answer. Although there was more obvious scars on his back that it seemed to affect Even the most, but this, on his chest, was the one that captured his eyes because it said, dangerous. it said life and death. 

" I.I don't know. It just happened sometimes recently, but.." and he broke out a calm and gentle smile at him before he continued, "..you don't have to be so worried. Can't you just be normal and don't look at me like that?" He frowned. "I mean if this is gonna be a problem to you..." but before he could say any further, Isak interrupted him.

" No Even! It's not a problem. I just need you to tell me when you don't feel ok, can you do that?" He raised his voice and gazed worriedly into his eyes. 

Even jumped a little and took a quick glance at him before he nodded, and Isak smiled immediately. He released his arm, and it seemed Even looked relaxed right away.

" Don't you have training to go?" He asked.

Isak looked at the time, rolled his eyes and sighed loudly. He wished he could just skip today's training but he still had to help Rob. 

" Why don't you rest on the bed. I'll be back in a few hours."

Isak took two large thick towels from the closet and snuggled him under it right away, while he just sat right beside him on the bed and could only see his head and messy hair out of the burrito wrap. He gazed down at him and reached out his hand to feel his clammy forehead, a little warm, he thought. Isak looked at the time and sighed again.

" I thought you like swimming." He said.

" I do, it's just I have to train Rob later for a couple of hours, so I might be back a little later." 

Thinking about it already exhausted him. And with Even still didn't look convincing that he was fine, made him even more hesitated. He tried to erase that worst case scenario away, and once he looked back at him, it immediately lifted up his mood because of the expression Even had on his face right now. He knew what that look meant, and so he playfully asked,

" What Even?"

" You're..training Rob?" He gazed up at him.

He must admit he kinda enjoy seeing Even had the disappointment look on his face when he mentioned about Rob. It made him feel needed. It made him feel that Even _loved_ him even though he had not yet said that word back to him. 

" Are you..jealous?" 

And there it was, the agitated and uncomfortable look on his face. He couldn't help but giggled when Even pulled up the towels to cover his face, and now he could only see his messy hair, and he could only hear him mumbling out through the towels.

" I'm not." 

Isak pulled down the towels to reveal that face and those lips behind it. He reached out his hand and caressed his forehead again.

" You have nothing to worry about, Even."

" I...I'm not. You should go." and he hurriedly closed his eyes, avoiding him.

He gazed down and didn't really want to part his eyes from him just yet. He really didn't want to leave him in the room alone. And now, he understood why Mikael always have that skeptical look on him. He would actually do the same if it were him. He was also amazed how Even could sleep so fast, because it seemed he didn't respond to him calling. Even was such a sleepy head in nature. Isak gave a soft chuckle. He leant down and planted a soft kiss on his forehead, before he whispered something to him "I love you, Even."

....................

Isak carefully put back the thought of the person who was still in his room, waiting for him to finish his training, and replaced by his competitiveness, as well as the adrenaline that rushed back up to his body the minute he stepped into the swimming pool. He knew he was still on the national team roster, but he wanted to improve on his split time. Besides, the competition between his home club and another team was coming in two weeks. He wanted to make sure that he was impressive enough in this event. And again, there was one more person he needed to impress. _Even_

Even had agreed to come and watch the team competed after a long week of deciding. He didn't know what had been occupying in his head to take such a long time to make a simple decision, until he told him that he had never watched any live game at any venue before, because he was not comfortable with the massive amount of crowd. And Isak had to firmly reject his request that he wanted to purchase his own ticket instead of a free front row seat. He wanted Even to be in the front row, to see him, and only him. He shook his head slightly to himself at how Even was always being courteous around him, considering they were already together. 

He let his mind wandering. Perhaps, he should scrap out the plan for outdoor activities this evening and brought him to see a doctor instead. It looked like Even just caught a fever. Or he could just cuddle him in his arms and chased it away, although Even would surely hesitated in his envelop. He curved the corner of his mouth into a small smile. He definitely preferred his second idea, but obviously the first option was better. But whatever wrestled in his mind had been put to a halt when a voice suddenly interrupted,

" Thank you! That was a very good technique you gave!" 

Isak could only reply with an uncomfortable awkward smile. The bubbly smiley face was sitting so closed to him that made him felt a little uneasy, but he had to give him credits for how he still tried to flirt with him eventhough he already said it clear enough that Even was his boyfriend. How he laughed long and loud with his teammates' jokes while his hand slapped playfully on either his lap or his arm, only meant one thing to Isak, Rob was persistent, undeterred, and he would not back off anytime soon. It seemed he didn't see Even as a threat at all.

And there, he didn't even have to look at him but he could feel it, Rob was stealing a glance at him once again. As much as he wanted to brush that hand away if he were to slap on his lap again, he couldn't. His teammates were all here sitting in one circle. It would be a little too obvious, and he didn't want to make Rob felt bad too, since he just joined the team, and he still had to coach him. It would put a strain between them and that would make it utterly awkward. And for whatever reason, his teammates seemed to notice how Rob tried to get every chance to feel his skins, and they started to look at the both of them and posted the question.

" Are you dating Rob now?"

" What!? No!"

" It looks like you two are! Isak, you have such a quick hand on this! " And they were all bursted out laughing. 

He could see the overly happy face splashing across Rob's face. Seriously, didn't he know he had a boyfriend.

" Dude, guys! I have a boyfriend so just cut it out!" He sighed loudly at his teammates. But as idiots as they were, it didn't seem to stop them from putting a remark right back to his face.

" Oh come on, relax! We know you Isak! Seriously, how long are you planning to date this guy anyway...and who are you dating now by the way?" One of his teammates asked.

He could feel all eyes were on him now, but to his surprise, it was Rob who answered them.

" He's dating Even!" He said with a blank look on his face, like it was nothing.

" Even? Even who? Is there anyone around here named Even?" One of them asked.

" Nah, not dating any atheletes, he's just an owner of a cafe." He shrugged.

It's scary how Rob knew so much about Even, probably from Thomas. But the more important thing, did Rob think that he was not serious with Even? Was he waiting for his turn or something? Isak sighed quietly and looked at the time.

" Um. I'm gonna go now, I'll see you guys tomorrow."

But he was stopped by Rob's hand who now stood up and grabbed a hold on his arm.

" Don't you want to go grab something with us?" He asked, and pouted his lips.

" I..uh..I'll have to ask Even, but I'll let you guys know." He said, and smiled out of courtesy.

He immediately walked off, feeling very disturbed. He felt that Rob had just crossed that line and put him in an uncomfortable position. He took a mental note to ask his head coach if someone could take over his position. He didn't think this was going to work out well. The guy was getting a little too physical now. 

He opened the door and found him still on the bed, so he tiptoed his way in, quietly put his gym bag on the floor, and walked towards him. And eventhough the room was a little dark, but the light from the floor lamp still reflected that beautiful face when he gazed down at him. He placed his hand on his forehead and found that it was getting a lot warmer than when he left him. His instinct told him to wake him up and so he did. 

" Even?"

With only one call, he opened his eyes.

" ..hi, sorry, did I sleep too long? You've finished?" He asked, but his voice was hoarse.

Isak nodded slowly, " Just finished, and I didn't stray anywhere, promised." 

And he was returned with a small smile that showed a shadow of crinkle at the corner of his eyes. He sat down just beside him and reached out his hand to gently caress his forehead. He could feel Even startled a little but he didn't move his head away from his touch. Perhaps, this was one of many benefits of becoming boyfriends. He smiled silently to himself.

" ..Isak....is it ok if.if .." He paused, " I know you plan for us to go out..but I.I don't think I can go out now, I just want to go home and sleep."

" It's ok..but I think you can just rest here a while first then I can send you back later" 

Even gazed up at him, " I can go back myself. Your apartment is just two blocks from here, you really don't have to."

" Again, Even. This is not a request. And seriously, it's just a few stops from here, and you are my boyfriend, I have the right to." He said.

"..boyfriend?" He raised his eyebrow.

" Yes..boyfriend. You are my boyfriend, Even!" He firmly replied.

He saw Even nodded slightly with a soft smile on his face. Isak looked at the space on the bed that seemed like it could fit one more in his own rightful opinion, and decided to text his teammates that he would not be joining them, and turned his phone to silent. He could use a little nap himself.

" Even? Can I sleep beside you?" He asked, and pressed his lips together, not sure what Even would say. And in his own right, it was his bed after all. He could just scoot himself right beside him, but he just wanted to play it safe, not wanting to get pushed out off his own bed for sure.

Even looked at him for a quick second, and he shifted his eyes elsewhere before looked back at him. He didn't say anything, but just moved back nearer to the wall. Isak immediately lay down on his side facing him but opted out from the thick towels as his body already felt like a sauna after a long session. He looked at Even and his pale lips and decided to ask,

" I think you have a bad fever. Don't you need to see a doctor or something? Just in case.."

Even shook his head _No_ , while kept his eyes closed, " I think it's nothing, I just need to rest a while more."

" You know you really sleep a lot!" He said, teasing him again.

Even smiled and nodded slightly. It looked like he was going to fall asleep in a minute because his voice was getting really soft now. But he didn't forget to tease him back,

" Sorry..but tell me if there's any sleeping competition. I. I think I can win..I can sleep forever..." He giggled slightly.

Isak frowned and placed his hand on his cheek, but Even already fell into a slumber within a blink of an eye. He gazed at him and said in a low voice,

" You can't sleep forever, Even. You can't."  
  
He could feel his breath on him. He could still see his chest moving up and down. But _would it move like this forever? Would it finally stop one day if he didn't care for it enough?_ He shook that thought away, he couldn't make himself think any further. He closed his eyes and nodded off with Even in his arm.

And only after a while that he welcomed Even back into his gaze. Isak shook him lightly but there was no movement. He reached out his hand to feel his forehead. Still a little too warm but it was slightly better. He used his thumb to gently draw a stroke along his eyebrow, and he saw it twitched to the touch just a tiny bit, and that gave him a smile and some sort of relieve. He thought to himself that maybe he was getting a little too paranoid, and decided to nod off once again.

But his paranoid came to reality within minutes when he woke up by sudden bad coughs from the person lying beside him. His hand automatically placed on his forehead and he found the fever just shot up again.

" Even?" 

But he could only hear Even murmured something with his eyes closed.

" Even, I'm gonna call a medic or a nurse ok?" 

He was quite panic because he didn't know what to do. Maybe it was just a fever, but he was not going to be too careless about this. Even gave him a weak nod, and he immediately took out his phone and was thinking of calling the medic office, but Kris came into his mind. Maybe it was better for him to call Kris since he probably knew his condition better. He wasn't sure if Kris was somewhere nearby, but he decided to give him a call anyway.

And after a short while, someone was knocking at the door and he immediately let him in. The person came in with a big bag of what supposed to be first aid. He could see a lot of medication and some small devices in the bag, and he knew he made the right decision to call him first. He didn't even have to explain or said anything. Kris immediately walked towards the bed and helped him to sit up. While Isak rushed himself to help and held him while Kris pressed the stethoscope against his chest and his back. He let Even propped his head on his shoulder with a thermometer in his mouth, and he just kept looking at Kris and what he had to say.

" Ok" and Kris took out the ear tips.

" Ok what? Ok good?" He asked.

Kris gave him such a short answer and it made him agitated. He didn't know if it was just a normal fever or it was something to do with his heart. He had zero knowledge of this kind of thing. And just a moment back, Kris gave a serious look while listening to his heart. He didn't know if there was something wrong, but Kris hadn't said a word except,

" I'm gonna give him a shot for now." and he took out a syringe and a very tiny bottle out from his bag.

" A shot? At his heart?"

He didn't know why he asked that. It sounded stupid coming out from his mouth, but he was still a little panick. And when he panicked, he always said something like this. Besides, he watched tons of movies where people just stabbed a shot into the person's heart. Was this the case that was about to happen right here right now? But whatever he had on his mind, he was made into an uneducated movieworm when Kris looked at him with amusement and a soft chuckle. He believed Kris might have exclaimed and laughed out even louder than this, if Even wasn't sleeping.

" What?!" he paused " I think you've watched too much movies, I'm just gonna give him a shot for his fever, and on his arm, not there, ok?" He giggled and shook his head slightly.

Isak sighed in relieve but he still felt pretty much stupid, and chose to fill his brain with comfort that he was a swimmer not a doctor, and Kris couldn't blame him for thinking this way. He looked down and shook Even by the shoulder.

" Even, Kris is going to give you a shot." He said while took his cold hand and held it firmly. He could only see Even barely nodded but that was good enough, at least he knew that someone was going to put something through his skin and it might sting a little.

" So..he is ok right?" He asked.

" Um..yes, but Isak.." Kris said half way and turned to put his things back into the bag.

And Isak couldn't help getting anxious again when Kris said Even was ok, but there was a ' _but_ ', and why Kris couldn't just said the whole thing first before went on to occupy himself with something else. He sighed silently.

" But what?" He asked with his eyebrows narrowed, a little impatient.

" Oh, sorry..I mean, you should take him to his cardiologist once he's feeling better. His quarterly check up is coming in two months, perhaps it's better if you can ask him to reschedule to earlier dates." 

That didn't make him feel any better, but he didn't know much about Even and his appointment because he never said or mentioned a word. At least there was Kris who was still dating Mikael happily. He could be his insight info. But right now, he was still curious,

" Is there something wrong that I should know?"

" I don't know, Isak. I only know he had arteries problems and he had his heart valve repaired before. But from my experience, maybe it had to be replaced soon. It just didn't sound right when I listened." He paused, "And this. This is a life long thing that will always be a part of him. You know what that means? " 

_No,_ he didn't want to know what it meant. He only knew his own heart just dropped to the ground and someone just buried it underneath the surface. And he knew he was not a crier, but he could feel something wet at the corner of his eyes that he immediately blinked them away. 

" But he will be ok right?" He asked in a low voice, but he could only get a faint smile from Kris in return while he said, " ..yes, I think.I think he will be ok, don't worry."

After Kris left, he immediately lay down beside him. The heat from his breath immediately felt on his wrist once he placed his warm palm on his cheek, and he decided to call Even again. He wanted to hear his voice, but only heard him mumbled out something inaudible. Isak quietly changed his position and propped his head up on an elbow and gazed down at him while his other hand still caressing his cheek until something came into his mind, and he decided to grab his phone and exchanged texts with someone until it came to an end. He turned back to face Even and moved a little closer and slid his arm around him.


	11. Chapter 11

He opened his eyes and was greeted by a face right in front of him, that their noses almost touched. He immediately backed his face away just a little and stared at the person lay facing him in a stunned silence for a few seconds, until he regained enough composure, and tried to move away but couldn't. And though Isak was asleep, his arm still firmly wrapped across his body. And if he moved too much, he might wake him up, and he didn't want to, not now. He didn't feel like talking at the moment. Plus, Isak looked a little tired and he didn't want to disturb his rest either.

Even took a closer look at him instead. Aside from Mikael, he had never been this close to anyone before. And what he felt right now was completely different. Mikael was Mikael. He was his best friend. But Isak? _Isak_. He was his.. _boyfriend_. The minute he realised this, his heart started to beat a little faster. They were on the same bed after all, and Isak was so close to him that he could see his face very clearly, and he could spot a few tiny pimples near his jawline and how the chlorine water had reddened his cheeks just a little.

And as his eyes looked further down, Isak only had his blanket up to just his waist, exposing his bare skin, while he himself had it all the way up and tucked right under his chin. But wait a minute, _H_ _is bare skin?_ Isak wasn't wearing any shirt? Even immediately used his hand to feel the fabric on his own body and he sighed in relieve. He was still pretty much intact. For a moment, he thought they did something and he didn't remember. That would be unpleasant for both ends.

Even let his mind pondered while staring blankly at the bare skin on his collarbone. He questioned himself how Isak touched him and held his hands more often now, without hesitation, should have made him feel really anxious and unsettling, but instead, it didn't disturb him as much, maybe only sometimes when his mind went funny. But for most part, his touch gave him solace and assurance. 

And as much as he allowed his heart to find comfort in being loved by him, he was also scared that one day he might lose it. His heart was now left bare and opened. It was solely for him to either nurture it or stab it. Right now, he could feel the weight of his arm on his body. It made him feel loved and protected, but what if this arm that firmly took him in, found its way out to another body, another person, and not him.. _not Even._

But again, Isak was still here, right? He could have walked away but he didn't. But what happened if one day Isak came to realise that he had made a big mistake, and he decided to leave him stranded. Even frowned and his brow furrowed at the thought. He immediately shook that scenario away. His mind was too messy and too twisted. He needed to stop thinking back and forth. He sighed silently to himself and welcomed his wandering thoughts back into his misty brain. 

He finally blinked himself back to reality right in front of him. His eyes then traveled back up to see the full face of the person before dropping themselves on his lips. He kept looking at his slightly parted lips for a moment until something came into his mind, and he immediately blushed and dropped his gaze right away.

Even closed his eyes again wanting to drift into sleep, and let himself absorbed the warmth and coziness of the room, and he could feel the daylight digging the side of his face through the partially opened curtain, but wait, Isak's room didn't have window, then.. where was he? His heart was beating faster as he turned skeptical and glanced through whatever surrounding within his gaze that he hadn't noticed before. There were posters and pictures of places he'd never been to. And it was obvious to him that this was definitely not his own room either. He squeezed his eyes shut again in hope that maybe there was a possibility that he was still dreaming, but once he opened them again, it still looked exactly the same.

It was definitely not his own room, and it wasn't Isak's room at the training centre. He felt like he was living in another dimension where everything looked and felt unfamiliar except for the chlorine smell and the figure right in front of him that gave him comfort for some reasons. He didn't think he was dead either, because Isak was still here with him on _this.._ this unfamiliar bed.

He didn't know where he was, and that disturbed him A lot. The frustration started to run across his face, as tears began to line his eyes the minute he shut them tight. He immediately squeezed his hands up through the tiny space between them and covered his face. He started to freak out and he felt the fever just came rushing back and clung onto him like a leech. And the second he thought he was going to blackout, a hand was felt on his shoulder and shook him lightly, followed by a familiar voice, and he could feel a shadow casted over his body without having to open his eyes. 

" Even!" 

" Even! What happened? Are you ok?"

Even slowly opened his eyes to find Isak now sat up on the bed with his hand right on his forehead.

He shook his head _No,_ with both hands now lowered down to cover his mouth. He didn't feel ok. He felt worse, and his eyes were masked with fear and confusion. For now, the only thing he wanted to know was, where exactly he was. He stared blankly into those pair of worried eyes before he avoided them and decided to roam his eyes nervously around the four walls instead, until they fell back on Isak who smiled softly at him.

" You have no idea where you are?" 

Even could only shook his head slowly. He didn't have the will to say anything, and if he could, he didn't even want to breathe in the air in this room until he knew exactly where he was. He saw Isak pulled his hands out from covering his mouth and hold them gently. He had the tiny urge to pull them away from his grip, but chose not to. He didn't feel like Isak was a threat to him, maybe not anymore.

" You're at my apartment...I.." He paused, " I kinda piggyback you to my place last night" 

His reply made him even more confused now. His head was filled with questions and how Isak gazed at him with that intense look on his face didn't make him feel any better. And why did he have to be in his apartment. Isak should wake him up, and he should be in his own room, in his own apartment. Even closed his eyes, tried to gather his thoughts and collected himself together, _except_.... that he couldn't. Isak mentioned that he carried him to his place last night. _Last night?_ which meant he spent the night here, and now it was already the next day? He was going to be late, and Mikael, he needed to let Mikael know where he was or went or..slept. He looked up at Isak,

" W.Why didn't you wake me up?"

" I did actually, but you just kept mumbling something, and you weren't that well yesterday, so..I just brought you to my place." He paused, " It's just much nearer than going back to your place, but I did text Mikael, so.. don't worry." He said, while his thumbs kept rubbing in circle on his palms.

The confusion and agitation he had previously, were now replaced by the embarrassment instead. He couldn't remember anything much from yesterday except that he already ruined the day that should have been perfect. And _Isak_. Isak carried him back to his place, and he didn't even complain or said anything. He felt guilty and ashamed of himself. Yesterday was supposed to be their date and they should have spent quality time together, but he couldn't even be well enough to make it memorable, but instead, he made the day completely forgettable. 

Even pulled his hands away and hurriedly pulled the blanket up and clutched under his chin while lying on his side. And instead of looking back at the person that was gazing down at him, he chose to stare blankly to the unfamiliar wall and bit his lips to keep them from quivering. He let his mind twisted into the dark end of the tunnel, until someone placed a hand on his shoulder and gently pushed him back to face him. He felt a thumb brushed against his cheek, and wiped away whatever that streamed down against his will.

" Even, what's wrong?" He asked.

 _'Everything is wrong',_ that was what he had on his mind. He ruined everything. He didn't feel well. He couldn't even think straight. 

" I.I'm sorry, I'm sorry" Even shook his head and apologised repeatedly with his quavering voice. 

He cupped his hands together, wanting to cover his face and his teary eyes, but he felt other hands came to grab them first and spreaded them apart and pushed them down onto the pillow. His warm hands pressed firmly against his cold palms. He looked up and saw Isak with his solemn gaze above him.

" Even, don't sorry me, you have nothing to apologise for." He said in a soft voice.

Even looked up and saw the steady gaze Isak had on him. It made him wonder for a brief second if he was the only one he looked at this way, or he was just like another person in his life that just happened to pass by, and soon this gaze and these hands would be over, and he would no longer had the rights to claim them.

But whatever that disturbed him, had been swept away as soon as Isak lowered himself down a little closer to him, and he just froze. Isak still had his strong hands pressed against his palms, and the pressure got even stronger every second he leant down closer and closer to him until he felt his chest on him. He couldn't escape nor move his body. The way Isak gazed at him was very intense, and his breathing was hard. Even shut down his vision right away and turned his face to the side. He could feel his own breathing got a little out of tune, while his heart kept beating faster and faster that he felt tightness on his chest and it started to feel uncomfortable. But the pressure on his palms magically got lighter, with one of his hands was suddenly freed.

" Even! Are you ok?" He asked while his hand gently placed on his chest.

Even opened his eyes and stared at him blankly until he calmed down and took a big gulp of air into his lung.

" I'm so sorry Even. Did I..hurt you?" He asked with frustration in his voice.

He wanted to nod but he chose not to. Isak already looked really freaked out, and he was not going to make him felt worse, _was he_. He shook his head, and he saw Isak sighed in relieve right away.

" I'm sorry..I. I just got carried.." 

" It's ok..I'm.I'm ok." He said and smiled awkwardly at him.

But this moment was still as awkward as his smile. He now had both his hands free, while Isak looked..he looked embarrassed at himself, because now Isak seemed to be the one that avoiding his gaze. 

He wanted to think of something else to talk instead of a dead silence in the room, but that scene kept occupying the space in his brain. What happened just now had put a question right inside his murky mind. He never thought about this delicate or intimate activity when they became boyfriends. He forgot that this was what most couples did. _Most, but not all._ He took a quick peek at him once more. Isak definitely wanted it. He was definitely in the Most category. Isak had many experiences according to the number of exes he had, he was already a graduate, while he himself just entered kindergarten. 

He sighed at the thought of it. He was never going to be the perfect person for him. His heart couldn't even bear it. Even slowly placed his hands on top of each other on his chest and felt his own heartbeat, while his eyes glazed over everything and traveled to the corner of the room and let his mind drifted away. Did he want what Isak was trying to do? He didn't exactly know what Isak was trying to do. Maybe it was going to be just a kiss. But a kiss always led to something else. He didn't want to think further what something else was. But if it were to be just a kiss, maybe he could take it. But again he never kissed anyone before. The thought of it already made him nervous.

" Even."

A voice calling him, and he jumped a little before shifted his eyes back to meet its owner. And it seemed the owner of this voice already looked super relaxed, while his own mind was still clouded with utter confusion.

" What are you thinking about?"

He was so not going to tell Isak what was on his mind, considering he was the one who disengaged it. 

" Um..N.Nothing, I just. I just thought that I..I didn't..I didn't even know I was on your back last night." He said with a bashful smile on his face. 

Even hurriedly looked away, and sighed silently to himself. He was not a very good liar. If he had to lock his gaze with him any longer than this, he might spill out what he had actually been thinking about. 

But his eyes only had seconds to part ways, because it seemed Isak disagreed with that. Even felt a hand gently tilted his chin back up to meet his eyes, and he was forced to lock his gaze with him once more.

" Well, you should have seen yourself sleep, Even! I thought you were.." He paused, " I mean you sleep like a log!"

" Sorry, maybe I was just tired." He said, and smiled in embarrassment.

Even quickly looked at his watch, avoiding his gaze. Maybe he should go, he still had to go to work. And Isak, he still had his training, and also had to train that guy, Rob. Even frowned.

" I.I think I should go." He said, and decided to sit up and pushed the blanket away from him.

" Well, you're not going anywhere. Mikael let you rest for a few days until you're better, so..I guess you can just stay here a little longer. " He said and beamed into a smile.

He didn't know why Isak smile at him like that. There was nothing to be happy about when he couldn't be more productive. And if he was going to be free today, he should at least go back to his apartment and tried to cast away his fever and whatever that clouded his mind in his own bed.

" Maybe it's better that I go back to my apartment." He said while stretching his legs to the floor, but was stopped by a hand on his arm.

" Just stay..Even.. will you just stay with me for a while longer?"

The tone in his voice made him turned around immediately and looked at the guy sitting on the bed. The way Isak looked at him was different. His voice sounded different. He could feel a glimpse of sadness in his voice, but he didn't understand why. He only knew it made him feel really uncomfortable.

" I think I should go. And you still have your training, right?" 

As much as he wanted to spend time with him to make up for yesterday, but he needed to go back and take his medication first. He saw Isak suddenly got out of the bed, wore some cotton to cover himself, and walked over to his side.

" Why don't you just come with me today." He said, while grabbed his hand and pulled him up from the bed.

" I.I need to take my medication first. I can meet you later." 

In order for this relationship to work, he had to take care of himself. He wanted to be perfect for Isak, at least as perfect as he could. His health was important, his mind was important, and that with Isak just a moment ago, whatever Isak wanted to do, _That was also important!???_ He blushed and hurriedly looked away in embarrassment. Why did it always come back to his mind. Even elbowed that thought away as far as he could. And when he looked up, he found the warm gaze shot right back at him.

" Why don't we go to your apartment together, then you can come with me." 

He didn't think it's necessary for Isak to go with him. The training place was just a block or two from his apartment, while his place required a bus ride. Isak coming with him didn't make any sense. It was too much of a hassle. 

" I can go back myself and meet you later really. I mean, you don't have to." 

" I want to." He paused " ..and I've never seen your room yet." He said, and smiled at him.

His room? He wasn't sure if he wanted to show Isak his room. It was totally different. It was almost like noone ever lived there. Too neat, too clean, too empty, that it made the room looked dull and lifeless just like its owner. There was nothing much to show, absolutely nothing, even birds didn't want to chirp by his window.

While Isak's room had so much colour with lots of pictures, photos, trophies, medals, and stuffs that normal human beings should have. He looked at the clothes lying around on the floor. Some looked like they might have been stepped on countless times. It might looked a little messy. Even paused his brain for a brief moment and took a quick wide view glance around the room. Well, it looked very messy actually, but still, it felt cozy and warm. And the bed was big that two persons could sleep comfortably without having to breathe on each other. And how many people shared this bed with him? How many past boyfriends he brought home? Was this the reason why Isak needed a bed this big? Even frowned at the thought, and sighed quietly.

" Is there something wrong?" He asked, and grabbed his hand gently. Even jumped a little.

" N.Nothing"

" Shall we go?" He asked.

Even nodded meekly and smiled, " Ok."

....................

" There's nothing much really" He said, looking embarrassed at how empty his room was.

Everything was either gray or white except his bed that was in pale blue. There were no pictures of any kinds on the wall. No decorative items on the table, except his medications if those were counted. It was plain and dull, and the only thing that made the room felt lively was the irritating squeaky sound from the wooden floor board when they took steps in the room.

He saw Isak smiled and tittered slightly after using his eagle eyes to roam around the room. Maybe Isak thought his room looked cool and awesome?? or was it aweful? he wasn't sure. Even walked to the window and gazed outside. The tree looked naked without the leaves. It was still as bare and lifeless just like the last time he saw, and he could only see the wind occasionally stirred the branches and tried to wake up its soul. He sighed softly, but flinched at a voice that suddenly reached his ears.

" Even?"

He quickly turned around and saw Isak looked at him with a smile on his face. 

" Uh..yes?" 

" Well, seriously, your room looks really neat and may I say, it's much much cleaner than mine" He laughed, and sat on his bed without hesitation, and it made Even felt like a guest in his own room for a second.

".. I just can't take dust very well. It's just..I have problems sometimes." He tried to smile to cover up his bubble boy image. 

But he didn't know what he said that made Isak gazed tenderly at him, and walked steadily towards his direction. The auto response in his brain told him to step back just a little, except that he was already against the wall, and the only way to escape was to jump out of the window, of which he was not planning to do. And if his body could not escape, he knew his eyes could. 

Even immediately fled his eyes to the bed and studied the detail of his own blankets that he might have failed to pay attention before. He knew that he should get used to how Isak looking at him this way or walking to him with that intense look in his eyes, but sometimes he couldn't help it. Isak was someone everyone knew, everyone loved, but he was just Even. Just a regular Even. It made him feel intimidated at times when his brain wanted to fill him with soil and mud. But the mud and soil in his brain were suddently got destroyed by fingers that gently slid through his hair, with another hand on his arm.

" Even?"

The voice that sounded so soft and so close to him made the goosebumps appeared under the long sleeve fabric in an instant. And for a lack of his own nerves, his eyes were still fixing on that very blanket and at the very part, unable to gaze back at him. Fortunately, his speech was still working, though it was more like a wind that softly blew out from his mouth.

".. ..ya?" 

He pressed his lips together, not very sure what Isak wanted from him. But his hand that caressing his hair made him feel vulnerable, and it seemed he couldn't avoid his gaze any longer, as Isak now slowly ran his hand down to his neck and held it there. Isak wanted him to look back at him, and so he did, nervously.

They shared the gaze for a moment. He didn't know what led to _this_. this uncomfortable scenario. 

" How are you feeling, Even?"

And why would this question appear out of nowhere, he thought to himself.

" Um..I'm ok I guess, as long as I can get rid of this leftover fever." ' _and as long as you don't look at me like that'._ He chuckled softly out of nervousness.

He didn't know why Isak gazed up at him this way, was it a worry or a pity? He couldn't decipher yet. He wanted to find something to distract himself but he couldn't because Isak gave him no options, as he now pulled him in even closer and rested his head on his shoulder, while the other arm slid behind his waist and held it tight, completely closed the air that supposed to pass through the space between them. It made him really and really uncomfortable right now. He knew they were together as a couple, but this? He needed time to adjust to this closeness. And he didn't understand why Isak behaved this way. He put that thought aside, and decided to make his life less suffocated and retreated himself away from that embrace and asked him.

" Why. Why are you..Is.Is there something wrong?"

" Um..I heard that you have an appointment with your doctor in a couple of months." He said while placing a hand on his chest.

He didn't know who told Isak that, and he didn't get the intense gaze he gave him. It made him very anxious.

" Y.Yes" He stepped a little further away, took out the phone from his back pocket and looked at the calender.

" Another forty-seven days to be exact." He said and smiled, just to tone down the atmosphere that started to turn a little too serious.

" Kris said you need to reschedule" He said firmly. "..and I'm coming with you."

" W.What do you mean? And anyway... you don't have to come with me."

It's a hospital not a disneyland. Whether he chose to reschedule, he didn't want Isak to go with him. What if Isak were to catch a cold or a disease there. No way Isak should accompany him. 

But another thing that came in to his attention, why woud Kris say that? Was there something wrong? Was his heart want to bail out on him again? Has the time finally come? He remembered what the doctor told him, but he stopped thinking about it for a long while now, because he thought if he chose to forget, then it would not happen. But he knew he didn't feel well lately, and always had the feeling that his blood didn't want to travel up to his brain. Sometimes he could feel his heart skipped the beat or it just suddenly decided to pound harder, or sometimes it felt like someone decided to jump on his chest repeatedly, and he had to wake up constantly from his sleep and sit back up because he couldn't breathe well. But he didn't think it was that serious. He just needed to slow down and rest more often.

But when Isak mentioned about his appointment and when Kris said that, it made him realise the reality towards the symptoms he had been having. Frustration and anxiety filled up his throat that he had to swollow them back down. 

" Even, I think you should just reschedule and hear from the doctor." 

Even nodded, but his mind was already filled with fear. He couldn't afford to have something wrong within him. He didn't want it. He didn't need it. And not that now he had someone who appreciated him the way he was.

" I want to go with you, Even." 

There was a determination in his voice, but he would rather go and face it alone. If it were good, he could smile in relieve, if not, he could hurry come home and cried himself to sleep without having to look at anyone. And he didn't want Isak to see him breakdown or blackout if the news was not what he wanted to hear. Besides, it was going to take hours to finish his check up. It was a boring place filled with sickness and diseases, it was not the place he wanted to spent time with Isak.

" I want to go alone if that's ok.." but immediately jumped when Isak raised his voice.

"No, Even!" He said and pressed his hand firmly on his chest, " I want to be a part of this, whatever it's going to be."

Even smiled slightly because he forgot how Isak could be very determined when he set his mind to something. But if Isak really wanted to go with him, he was thinking to at least visit the doctor after his competition. Isak should concentrate more on his event that had a chance to succeed, instead of this heart that kept on failing.

Even looked back at him and nodded,

" Ok, if you want to go with me..but it might take hours, you might get bored." 

"..Even.. I promise I won't." 


	12. Chapter 12

Isak glanced around his bedroom and picked up things that lay scattered on the floor. He already set his mind to do something, and he had no intention to demolish the plan he had. He smiled to himself slightly but was startled by the bell that rang to his apatment. He looked out to the window and saw Jonas and Magnas were already here. 

" Hey bro!" Magnus greeted him in his usual way, loud and clear.

" So, what are we here for?" Jonas asked, looking at him clueless.

" Um. I just need some help with my apartment." 

He wanted to clear up and clean up his apartment. It was just a one bedroom unit. It shouldn't take that long, but he knew he couldn't do it himself. There were too many stuffs he needed to get rid of. Some he didn't know why he bought, while some he didn't even knew he had. He took note to stop being an impulse buyer.

" You better have beers here!" Jonas smirked.

After a long while, he had found out that planning it and actually doing it were two different things. At a glance, he didn't think it would take a muscle, but it took them closed to four hours after years of negligence.

Isak stacked up the boxes at the corner near his main door. He was still trying to figure out what to do with them. But right now, it was time for some refreshment.

" So, Isak, what's your plan? Are you gonna ask him to move in or what?" Jonas asked.

" That's the plan." He blushed, ".. I just need the right moment." He said, while taking a sip from an iced cold beer, and stretched out his legs on the living room floor.

He definitely needed the right moment. Even was not the type of person that would agree to this kind of things easily. This was not a typical flat sharing with another person, where each would have his own room. This would be a bare it all and expose it all, of each other's flaws, weaknesses and strength. It was going to be a big step for not just Even, but for himself too.

It sounded scary to think about it, to expose everything about himself to another person. But he was ready, maybe more than ready. He wanted to wake up every morning and see that face. He wanted Even to have a hand on every piece of his furniture and treated it as his own. 

He knew that his arms were wide and opened, ready to welcome the person into his place and into his life, where Even would know every single detail about him, be it, the things he liked, the clothes he usually wore, the time he slept or woke up, his favourite toothpaste or shower gel, his favourite clothes, or when he felt happy, sad, angry, agitated..... everything, and likewise.

Isak huddled himself together with a bottle of beer in his hand, and smiled secretly at how he was so prepared that he spent times to do enough research of what to expect or what to do if Even ever fell ill or had difficulties breathing or even when he had his episodes. He had asked Mikael about all the possible scenarios, and he also did mention to him about asking Even to move in with him. And even though there was no objection from the other end, since they worked together at the same place, Mikael still unintentionally and indirectly discouraged him with a laugh and a pat at the back while saying _' good luck with that' ._

He couldn't blame Mikael for thinking that way, since he knew, Even spent all his life having him as his only comfort. And it was going to be a challenge for him to persuade Even to come out from that shell.

But Isak wanted this. He wanted to be that person. The person Even could confide in without holding back. The person he could fall back on when he was sad, and the person he could laugh with when he was in great joy.

" What about your room? Don't need a hand in there?" Jonas asked while gazing towards his room.

" Uh..no, I can do it myself, but thanks" 

But whatever he said, it seemed Magnus found amusement in it.

" Bedroom?" He raised an eyebrow and smirked at him.

" What!" He protested.

" Nothing" He shrugged, "..or maybe you're scared we'll find some play toys in there?" He said, and laughed out loud, along with Jonas who seemed to laughed hysterically at the dirty implication he made.

Isak rolled his eyes, shook his head and sighed loudly. So much so from best friends. 

He let his mind travel to that room. For sure, the heart of this whole apartment was there, in that room, where he and Even could relax and.. _and_..Isak blushed and headbutted that thought away for now. He still remembered the embarrassing moment when he was trying to do something because his brain couldn't behave, and Even looked so apprehensive at that moment. He reminded himself to be more careful with his actions because it might accidentally hurt him, and that was the last thing he wanted to do. Besides, right now, he didn't think Even was doing so well, from how he tended to get tired more and more easily these days. He still didn't know what was going on inside that heart of his, but if Kris said something was not right, he would definitely take his word for it. 

Isak walked back into his bedroom after seeing them off. He took an exhausted look through all the stuffs of various items that were still lying around, even under his bed, unloved by their owner. Most of the things were given by his fans, and if he were to be honest, some were kinda useless but he could not just throw them away. Perhaps, he could donate to some charities or shelters, together with those boxes that had already been stacked up outside. Even would have liked that idea. After all, Even came from one of those places, he should know better if these things meant anything or be of good use to any of those people.

The minute he flung opened the closet doors, his beloved skateboard from childhood almost fell to his feet that he used his foot to stamp it right back to where it belonged. He looked at piles of clothes that left unfolded, more like he just shoved them into any available spaces in there. He sighed at the sight. But folding clothes was too tedious of a task for him, he didn't have that patience and he didn't want to waste time on this kind of thing. In his mind, as long as they were clean, who cared how they looked like in the closet. Besides, shoving was also another form of folding, just a tiny bit different. He raised an eyebrow and took a quick glance to the piles once more. And suddenly, his brain directed his hand to shove a few garments right back, after they were about to drop off the shelve at any moment. He sighed, feeling tired by just looking at it.

For now, he would like to recognise the mess in his closet as a form of 'art'. And the minute this thought came into his head, he nodded and smiled to himself in satisfaction and immediately slammed it shut.

...................

It was chaotic at the swimming pool today. The frustration from the coach through whistling, yelling, shouting, and screaming had given his eardrums a hard time. Isak sat crossed legged by the pool and took out the phone from his gym bag to check the messages. Even texted him about his appointment which was going to be a few days after his competition. He wished it could be earlier because he was so dying to find out. The worried lines ran across his forehead the minute he thought about it. He closed his eyes and tried to think of something else.

" Hey Isak!" 

The greeting came with a hand that gripped firmly on his shoulder. Rob sat down just beside him and looked at him in a way that he didn't want to be looked at. That seductive and flirty eyes he gave, made him feel troubled. Isak moved away slightly and pretended to scratch his shoulder. But he knew the purpose was to dodge that hand off from his skins. But he was also curious as to why Rob was still here this late, since he wouldn't be able to coach him for a few days, for the reason that he had to concentrate for his upcoming event. 

" Uh..hey, why are you still here? "

" Your teammates asked me to hang around actually, and..we're heading to a pub nearby.. right about now, today is your coach birthday, isn't it?" He said, and smiled broadly from ear to ear.

The minute Rob said, it rang the bell in his brain. He completely forgot about it. _Shit!_ And he hadn't bought any present for him. But came to think of it, letting his coach ruined his sense of hearing today without openly complained or shouted back, was probably good enough for a present. But now, he had to text Even that he couldn't meet him today, and it disturbed him a lot. He sighed quietly to himself. 

His head had been filled with thousand worries since hearing what Kris had told him. He knew Even was trying to be cheery about it, but he could see a trace of worry in his eyes. And from the deteriorated condition he saw, he had the feeling that someone somewhere was going to slit that flesh opened again. It was just a matter of when. 

And because of this, it made him wanted to see him everyday and possibly, all the time. He knew he received replies everytime he texted him, but it wasn't enough. Texts were just messages, it didn't reassure him that the person was doing well. And when Even took too long to reply him, it made him extremely worried that something bad might be happening right at the very moment, and he wasn't even there to help. That would be something he could not forgive himself for. And that was one reason why he was so eager for Even to move in with him. It might be selfish to think, but he felt Even would be safer if he were to live with him. But deep down in his heart, he knew that he just wanted to have the actual person right within his grasp everyday, that he could see, could touch, could feel, and knew Even was still right here in the same exact universe. 

Isak wrapped that thought and placed it carefully back in a reachable corner of his mind, and jumped a little by a rub on his knee. He immediately stood up to get rid of that hand. 

" I think I'm gonna go change now."

.......................

The pub had a gothic feel, with only candlelights at the centre of each table that helped navigate their way out from their seats. The ceiling was high with a giant chandelier right in the middle, and there were wrought iron and stained glass wall lanterns on each pillar. It had nice ambience, but it was way too noisy. He had to constantly shout to make a decent conversation. 

His eyes slowly glanced around the table. It seemed after a few hours of nothing but alcohol, everyone seemed to nod off or went back or gone somewhere, he couldn't care. He didn't know how much or how many he drank. But the hard liquors and bottles of beers finally took a toll on him. He could feel the heat on his chest all the way up to his face. He sort of knew what was happening but it seemed he didn't care what he was doing. He tried to brush away the hand that kept rubbing on his lap, but his hand lacked strength. It was a little too flabby at the moment, and his eyes found it difficult to stay focus, even his brain felt like it was living in a twilight zone. 

Isak sat quietly and closed his eyes to bring himself together. But suddenly, he felt hands threw around his neck and pulled him in, and their lips touched. He was thinking _'Even?_ ' He let himself indulged in the moment for close to half a minute, and once he opened his eyes, he was shocked to find that it wasn't the person he wanted him to be. Parts of adrenaline came rushing back to his brain and he pushed him away within a second by the chest with both hands.

" What the hell are you doing!" He shouted loudly.

" Isak, come on, it's just a kiss." Rob said playfully. 

Rob looked pretty drunk himself, but that wasn't a good enough of an excuse. He should at least know how to behave, and kept his hands and his lips away from him. He knew he had to get out of there and back to his apartment.

" You're drunk, Rob!"

But it seemed his words didn't quite reach his ears, as he found Rob had already slumped over the table and nodded off.

Isak hurriedly walked back to his apartment on his unsteady legs. The minute he reached the building, he sank down next to the entrance door with his back leaned against the wall and his legs stretched out on the floor. He wasn't completely back to himself just yet. He knew he was here but his mind was stuck between reality and hallucination. He took out his phone and started calling Even repeatedly. His brain wasn't fully functional to remember what he was saying to him. He only knew that what happened a while back made him feel so guilty that he wanted to see Even right here and right now. He closed his eyes and let the alcohol slowly evaporated out from his system.

He didn't know how long he'd been out, but he was waked up by a hand that shook his arm gently. As he opened his eyes, he finally saw what he had been longing to see. The person was still standing but bent down and looked at him with his eyebrows narrowed.

" Even?"

Even nodded, " ..you called me." He paused, and sighed softly, " And you're drunk." 

His voice was so soft that made another shot of heat filled up his face right away. He loved how Even called his name. He always loved that. But he was also embarrassed at how drowsy he looked right now.

He didn't remember exactly what he said on the phone, but Even was here. And if he was here, it meant he cared, _wasn't he?_ Even loved him, _didn't he?_ But he could think about that later, because at this moment, he just wanted to focus on this person. He could touch him now, and it put a mountain of worries off his shoulder.  
  
And he loved how Even gave him the smile with that soft look in his eyes. But Even didn't look well. In fact, he looked worse since that fever hit him, and it went downhill day after day. He could see a shadow of bluish vein under his eyes, his lips were dry and pale, and it made him feel so guilty. He made Even come all the way here. He pictured himself smacked right on his own head and thinking how selfish he was. And the thing was, he couldn't even remember what he said on the phone that troubled him to come here at this late hours.

" Sorry, did I said something strange on the phone?" He asked.

Even smiled softly. " I.I really don't know what you were saying, I only knew you said something about coming to your apartment now..and you just kept saying ..now and now..and you kept calling and said the same things like dozen times, so.." He paused, "..I thought if I come here, maybe you'd finally stop calling.." 

Isak kept quiet. It was embarrassing to listen to his own action. If he wasn't drunk or felt like crap, he would never disturb him like that. Most likely, he would probably showed up at his apartment instead.

" I'm sorry, Even" He apologised and gazed at him.

" It's ok. I thought what happened..., why don't I help you get to your apartment." He said, and smiled gently.

Isak nodded, " Ok."

Isak held on to his arm with both hands, but he decided to rest his head against it too. The alcohol seemed to find its way to make him feel super headache. He stole a glance at him, and smiled quietly to himself because it looked like Even didn't feel disturbed by it at all.

They walked up the staircase but Even just stopped every now and then after just a few flights of stairs, and it made him worried that he decided to ask,

" Are you ok?" 

" ..Yes, sorry..I just feel really tired today." Even replied, and shifted his eyes to focus on the stairs in front of him.

Even helped him opened the door after he fumbled with the keys. His hand and eyes didn't want to communicate with each other just yet. Isak gazed up at him from the side when Even just stopped and glanced around from the kitchen to the living room.

" What happened to your apartment? Are you moving out?" He asked, and dropped his gaze at the stacks of boxes at the corner.

" Uh..No.no. I just cleaned up a bit." He paused for a second, " Wh.What do you think?"

Even nodded in appreciation, " I think it's more roomy than last time." He giggled slightly.

" So you like it?" 

" Ya, it's nice." He replied, and crinkled his eyes just a tiny bit.

They walked past the living area, with Isak still held firmly on his arm. He might already feel slightly better but he kinda like this position, so for now he just held on to his arms but lifted up his head once they reached the bedroom, because Even was curious and stopped to ask him again.

" You cleaned up your room too?" He asked.

" Um..yes, does it look.. better? I know you like it tidy..so in case one day you want to.."

Even stayed silent for a moment until he suddenly said, 

" You're drunk, Isak. Why don't you lie down. " He said while helped him to the bed.

He immediately threw his head on the pillow once he felt the sheet beneath him, but chose to turn and lay on his side. He wanted to steal a glance at him once more. But his eyes suddenly turned wide awake when he saw Even just stood looking at the mess in his closet. _Shit!_ That was exactly the word in his head right now. He forgot to close it after he grabbed the jacket this morning. He heard Even laughed.

" I was just wondering where you managed to put all your things that I saw on the floor that day." He said, and still giggling in amusement.

" I.I don't know how..I mean, I'm not good with arranging stuffs so.." He said and pressed his lips together. He saw Even turned around and looked at him,

" Well, it's ok. It's your room, you can do whatever you like." Even shrugged slightly, and shot him a warm smile at the end, and that smile made him blushed. 

The warm light from the lamp that brushed against his face right now, made him feel like he was looking at a beautiful sunset. But this sunset was different. It was better, because it was his own, and he could enjoy it whole night and every night, if only..Even were to live with him here, at this place.

But he couldn't ask him now. Not when his blood still ran by alcohol. He just needed the right moment. For now he could only gaze at him while trying to suppress the urge from getting out of bed right at this very moment, dashed towards him on his drunken limbs, and planted a kiss on that smile. He sighed softly to himself while lifted his wrist up to look at the time.

" Even? Can you come here for a sec?" He asked.

Even walked towards him and sat down by the bed.

" Do you need something?" He asked.

" No, just ..I think you've just missed your last bus." 

He wanted to smile but couldn't, because Even looked very disturbed and kept staring at his own watch. Isak wasted no time and grab his wrist.

" Just sleep here with me tonight."

" I..."

" I think you have no choice, Even." He said, and immediately pulled him down to the bed.

And he didn't know when or how, but he woke up hours later when the sun tried to yank his eyes opened. He sat up and smacked his own forehead a few times to expel the last trace of whiskey.

Isak looked around but found no Even in sight. He frowned. Maybe he should go for a morning run to clear his head. He got out off bed and in search for his tracksuit in the closet, but was stunned at how neat and orderly his clothes were right now. They were not only folded or hung nicely, they were colour coded just like they were in the shops, His caps and scarfs were placed like they were on display, ready to be purchased. 

He ran his fingers through the clothes and thinking _Even._ Even did this for him?

Isak hurriedly walked out of the room, and found a plate of toast with scrambled eggs on the dining counter, with a shadow of smoke still seen rising out from it. As he looked to the other side, he immediately walked towards the person who was lying with his eyes still opened on the sofa but stared vacantly at the boxes on the corner. 

He sat down on the floor just beside him with an arm on the soft plush seat, propping up his chin, and reached out the other hand to caress his cheek. Though Even didn't move away from his touch, but that didn't make him feel any closer. The empty gaze Even gave, it was like, he was here, and he wasn't.

" You haven't slept until now?" He asked in a low and soft voice while still brushing his cheekbone, but he didn't get his response for many seconds until he saw him blinked and shook his head _No_.

" I can't sleep."

" Why don't you lie down in my room, maybe it's better." He suggested, and pulled him up to sit, while he stood in front of him and still held his hands firmly "..and thank you for helping me with the mess..and also the breakfast." He blushed while kept running his thumbs along his knuckles. 

Even gazed up at him. " It's nothing, really." He said and smiled just a tiny bit. " I think I should go back."

" It's Sunday, Even! Just sleep here a while." He said firmly.

He definitely would not let him go back looking half dead. Without second thought, he immediately pulled him up and led him to his bed. 

Isak walked over to draw the curtain but there was still a fair amount of lights penetrated into the room. He then remembered that Even's room had a layer of blackout curtain. He was thinking of installing one, _when or if_ , Even moved here.

" Sorry, it's probably not dark enough." He said, while hurriedly lay down on his side facing him.

" It's ok, I can't sleep anyway." He replied, but gazed blankly into his eyes.

Isak placed a hand on his shoulder and fondled it gently, he could feel his shoulder tense up but relaxed right afterwards. He liked how Even felt more comfortable around him day after day. It gave him hope that Even might say _'yes'_ to moving in..here, and he could cuddle him day and night, on this very bed. He secretly blushed daydreaming about it.

" What's with all these boxes in your room and the ones outside? You're sure you're not moving out?" Even asked, and gazed at the boxes next to the study table.

" Well, you'll be the first one to..hang on...I mean, I should be the first one to know if I'm moving out." He giggled and continued, " But you'll be the first person I'll tell. " He said and gazed deeply into his eyes, while running his hand from his shoulder to his neck and rubbed behind it gently.

Even blushed and immediately dropped his gaze and tried to shift his body to the other side, but he would not let that happen, at least his hand wouldn't, because it placed on his shoulder without hesitation, stopping him from turning away. And it seemed he drew his attention when he said,

" You know I was thinking about donating all the things inside these boxes to some shelters." 

" You do?" He asked, immediately stopped his escape, and looked back at him.

He nodded, " Absolutely! It's just stuffs I don't want anymore, do you think it's a good idea?"

It was definitely a brilliant idea but Even didn't really look excited with his good deeds. 

" Ya, I think they'll like it.. That's very nice" He said softly, and tucked the blanket right under his chin while nudging his nose in it. Isak saw him drown into his own thoughts once again. He immediately propped his head up on an elbow, and gazed down at him and caught a glimpse of sorrow in his eyes.

" What is it, Even? Just tell me what's on your mind. Or you think they won't like it? Is it a bad idea?" And he reached out his hand to gently tilted his chin back up to face him.

" Nothing. It's just.. sometimes I think those unwanted things people gave, kinda fit perfectly with people like us at the shelter, you know? .....unwanted things for unwanted people." He paused, "..and at that place, some of us never got what we really wanted." He said, and shifted to face the ceiling, and drown into something without saying any word back to him.

Isak could only think of what would he feel if he were to be in the same situation, but he could never be right, because he had never lived it.

" Even?" He called him after Even stayed quiet in his head for way too long. Even jumped at the voice and gazed back at him.

" Sorry ..just..just forget what I said, I know they will like it..they will really like it. Whatever you're gonna give them." He said and smiled slightly.

The only thing in his mind right now was to hug that body beside him, and erased that very pair of sad eyes from his face. Isak moved closer and slid an arm under his neck, while the other hand turned him by the shoulder to face him. He tried to pulled him into a tight hug, but Even had his arms bent up to his chest, and those hands were trying to push him away. 

" Are you scared of me, Even?" 

The movement only stopped for a few seconds before he felt those two hands tried to distance him again. 

" Don't be scared of me. You know I will never.. never ever hurt you... I just want you to know that." He said, with high conviction in his voice.

And whatever he'd just said, it seemed after just a few seconds, Even stopped struggling within his envelop, and the only things he felt were the wet sting and his warm breath on his neck. He could hear Even whispered shakily and softly, so soft as if he was far away. " ..don't hurt me, Isak."

Once those words reached his ears, he hugged him even tighter. He wanted to have Even here in his arms forever, and protected him from.. _himself?_ He didn't want to hear that tone in his voice again. And even though Even didn't hug him back, and those two arms were still like a barrier between them, but at least his two hands didn't push him away, instead they gripped firmly at the front of his Tshirt just right on top of his chest. He gazed down and saw Even already had his eyes closed with dried up tears stiffened on his cheeks. 

" Sleepy now?"

Even nodded. And he blushed when Even nudged his way in, buried his face into his chest, but also heard him sniffled slightly.

" Is there anything you want that I can get you?" He asked, and stroked his hair gently, while the other arm snuggled him in tightly into his warm affection.

" I think.I think you have already given me what I've always wanted."


	13. Chapter 13

Even woke up, wanted to roll out of his bed, but decided to sit by the edge just a little longer. Today would be his first time to sit among the fans and watched live action at the venue. 

It was a relay competition, but he didn't know much about it. Sports was not his thing. All he knew, Isak would be the fourth and the last person to swim freestyle and finished the race. He was excited for Isak and his team, but he was also afraid.

Feeling physically and mentally drained, he buried his face into his palms and tried to build up his strength, but his mind was still running with fear. The thought of being trapped in just one place on the stand with the crowds and noises made him extremely anxious. Moreover, if the competition was today, it meant his appointment was just around the corner. He was nervous but he tried to remind himself not to assume anything until he'd been thoroughly checked out. 

He knew Isak was worried about him, maybe a little too much, from the way he would ask how he was feeling everytime they met. And if he were to reply with all honesty, he would most likely wanted to say he felt like _shit_ , but he couldn't. 

He knew when he walked too slow, Isak would slow his pace down. When he had to stop walking altogether and just sat down, Isak would just sit beside him and held his hands. He really appreciated that, but he felt bad that it was like he was disappointing him, dragging him down, and wasting his time. Maybe he was really one _Hell_ of a boyfriend. But it wasn't like this all the time, there were good days too when he had no problems at all for the whole day, but those days were just getting lesser by number.

Even placed his hand on his chest and rubbed it gently, and tried to mop away all his worries. And the only thing he could think of, that gave him some strength he much needed, was the warm hug he felt from that day. 

He didn't understand what the difference was, between that day and those other days when Isak tried to hug him. But that moment, he felt different. Maybe it was the weight in his words that said he would never ever hurt him, or maybe how Isak embraced him in those arms that made him feel so secured and so loved, and so much so that he melted into it. It was strange how one could feel love by just skins touch.

...........................

Even walked into the complex, and he knew he could have come here earlier as there were other events at the swimming pool, but he didn't. There was no point of being here to watch someone he wasn't familiar with. Besides, if it wasn't for Isak, he wouldn't even be here at all.

Even took two or maybe three gulps of nerves into his body and wished they stayed there while walking into the venue. His eyes roamed around in frustration while stood still next to one of the entry points at the corner. It was the same indoor pool with a giant glass roof panel that he and Isak gazed at the stars together. But today was totally different. The spectator stands were filled up. The lights were very bright, maybe too bright. He thought.

And He was not comfortable with the noises and the crowds at all, that he started to fidget and kept pinching the back of his hand until the red hue of blood gathered under his skin. But all that went away when a hand slapped on his back, and he jumped and turned around immediately. The face he didn't think he wanted to see showed up right before his eyes.

" Hey Even!"

" Uh..hi." 

He didn't know what to feel about this guy.. Rob. He always looked so overly happy, overly friendly for apparent no reason. He could sense that Rob didn't like him that much. And he didn't know what he did to deserve that gaze. He felt like Rob was trying to victimise him with his eyes that just prowled all over him from head to toe. But he believed he wore the right attire for the occasion though.

" Why are you still standing out here? Why don't you just walk in?" He asked.

" Um..y.yes, I.I.I'm about to." 

He was wondering where the three gulps of nerves he swallowed went to. He didn't want to stutter, especially if this person was standing here judging him. Did he think Isak was too good for him? But it couldn't be. He was good enough because of all the people Isak could have, he chose him.

" And what's with the two hoodies you're wearing? That is just so weird!" He asked, and laughed slightly.

" Um..I'm.."

Basically, it was none of his business. He could wear whatever he wanted. And to him, he felt cold most of the times because of his medication. Plus, two hoodies were better than one, he felt safer, but he didn't think Rob would understand, and he had no intention to elaborate or answer him anything. All he could do was, kept quiet and hoped Rob would just walk away. Unfortunately, he didn't.

He knew the longer he kept standing by the entry point fidgeting while listening to Rob talking, the more he wanted to get out of there because it seemed his nerves already went home. Even started to bite on his nail in agitation. He wanted to talk to Isak now and tell him he was not up for this today, and perhaps they could meet afterwards, unless Isak was disappointed in him and chose not to meet him at all, because he himself was unable to keep it together and be amongst the crowd, cheering on his team. 

Even let his mind floated elsewhere, but his brain was put to an abrupt stop when Rob started talking to him again.

" By the way, I'm sorry about that night, you know I didn't mean to." He paused, " Well, actually I want to, but just not when I'm drunk." He said, and shrugged slightly.

He didn't even understand what Rob was trying to tell him. Right now, he wanted to leave this place. Nothing seemed to make him feel good including the person that was breathing in front of him. But his eyes dropped on the guy and his teammates at the other end. Isak was there, looking right back at him, gesturing him to walk in and took his front row seat at the stand. His legs did want to move, but they were still deciding between forward and backward. He dropped the gaze from Isak and looked back at Rob.

" I.I don't know what you're talking about, I.I think I'm gonna go." He said, and immediately turned his back against him, wanted to walk away from the venue.

His limbs had made the decision to be just a pair of cowards but he didn't really feel good now, he needed some place quiet to breathe. However, he was put to a stand still by the words that reached his ears.

" I'm talking about the kiss, the other day at the pub with Isak. He didn't tell you that?" 

His brain was put to a halt. _Isak and Rob kissed? They actually kissed?_ Isak didn't say a word to him. He didn't know how to feel about that because his mind just went numb. But he couldn't be angry with Isak, _could he._ He didn't give Isak what he wanted, and it was normal, _wasn't it?._. for him to seek it from someone else. But.. if he thought it was ok, why did his heart felt that it had been broken into pieces yet again. Of all the people Isak wanted to hurt, why did it have to be him? And why after hearing this, he could still feel the warmth in his words from that night, circulated around his body. It was impossible that Isak wanted to kiss Rob. Isak was drunk. Drunk people did stupid drunk things. He drew a long breath, looking down to the floor and tried to reason with it in his own head, and he might just come to his own conclusion.

Even turned around and looked at Rob. He shook his head slightly. _No_. He didn't trust this guy. This..Rob, was definitely the one who started it. It wasn't Isak's fault. Why would Isak keep calling him that night, demanded to see him? But again, why did Isak kiss him back? He shook his head thinking back and forth. There had to be an explanation. For now, he was going to give Isak the benefit of a doubt. And if one thing he wanted to trust now, was his own instinct. 

Even looked up and saw Isak shot a gaze at him while walking with his teammates to the starting block. He saw the pair of eyes that looked sad and worried, and a little disturbed. Maybe Isak realised what Rob had just told him.

And again, Even wished Rob didn't fan the fire in his body right now, because he was already very anxious by this place, overwhelmed by volume of the crowds and the noises. And he didn't know when the tears of frustration started to form in his eyes, just waiting to be released. He felt a hand grabbed on his arm, and he moved away instantly while hurriedly used the heel of his palm to wipe away whatever that was about to ran down his cheeks. He didn't want the person that invaded his property to have a hold on him.

" Are you ok? You looked really pale right now, Even."

He looked back at Rob and it seemed Rob looked pretty panicked. Even shook his head. He wasn't ok. He felt very dizzy. He could hear the noises from the crowds. And the talking, the yelling and the cheering were getting louder and louder once the announcer called on the team. But he put his mind to focus on the face that was walking towards the starting block next to the pool edge, and saw the person still looked sad and guilty.

But Even was not going to ruin the day for him. He couldn't let Isak enter the pool with that face. He should be angry but he wasn't. He wanted to support him and cheered him on. And though he knew his head was spinning in all direction now, he had to let Isak know that everything was still fine between them.

He didn't know what he was doing but once he shut up his brain, his legs started moving, and they moved unsteadily forward and towards the pair of guilty eyes. His own heart was pounding, his whole body was tingling, but his feet just kept stepping forward. 

" Even! You can't walk out there! They are about to start soon!" 

He heard Rob was yelling at him from behind but the voice was getting softer as soon as he walked further away. The team was standing almost towards the end. They probably had less than five minutes before they started. Isak was already standing behind his teammates as the fourth and the last person, but he saw Isak was looking back and shouted something at him, but he couldn't hear anything. 

The crowds were loud, the lightings were bright, his brain was in a salad spinner. Everything looked and sounded like nightmares. His mouth was quivering and he started to wheeze slightly, but he wanted to take what Rob took from him if only he kept on walking. But he saw Isak suddenly left the queue and ran towards him. He could hear spectators shouting and whistling, but he felt like the noises just brushed past his ears. He could see his teammates and other teams looking at him strangely or in disbelief, because he shouldn't be walking out here. He knew he shouldn't, but his legs just moved weakly towards the direction. 

" Even, you can't be walking out here! We're starting soon!" He said, and held him to steady his legs.

Even felt an arm that suddenly slid behind his waist, while the other hand was supporting his back. Isak was gazing at him deeply, looking all surprised, guilty and worried.

" Even, I. I'm sorry for.... " 

He didn't know why he was out here exposing himself to the crowds, but he stopped what Isak wanted to say, with his hands that shakily held his face and his quivering lips that pressed gently against Isak's for the first time. He could feel his kiss had been returned only for a brief moment, as blood suddenly stopped wanting to nurture his brain and asthma that decided to come for a visit, and he started to wheeze harder and harder. He couldn't focus on anything, and only heard Isak yelled vaguely, " Get the medic here now!" 

" Even! Even! Look at me." Isak raised his voice, and took out the inhaler from his front pocket. He had no time to think how Isak knew all these. All he could feel and hear were, the tight grip on his arm, and his words that kept talking to him.

" Even, here, breathe! breathe!", he said, almost shouting while releasing the medication into his mouth. 

Even inhaled it immediately, and just lay there against him. Feeling too exhausted and too overwhelmed, he was in the midst of passing out, but Isak shook his face gently again and again while calling his name until he opened his eyes, and found Isak gazing down at him, with his hand held the side of his cheek, and secured it against his body. He heard Isak said to him in a soft voice again.

" Even, don't scare me...what do you think you're doing." He paused and kept stroking his cheek with a thumb. "...they're going to bring you to the medical room, and I'll see you there really soon." He said, and smiled at him.

It made him felt relief. He didn't know what happened that made him pull a thoughtless act, but at least he knew he did something right, and it was worth it because the smile was back on that face again. But he felt really dizzy, that he gave in and let his eyes and the turbulent world in which he was living in, went black and silent.

...........................

Even slowly opened his eyes and met with a white ceiling with two tube lights. He immediately squinted. Once he adjusted his vision, he felt the squeeze on his hand, and a warm shadow over him.

" Even..do you feel better?" He asked, while running a thumb on his eyebrow.

He kept quiet, staring back into his eyes, didn't want to nod or shake his head or reply anything. His brain just wanted to retrace what he had done. He didn't think he could face this town ever again. That was what happened when he didn't use his brain.

" Even, I..I know what Rob told you, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you..I.I was drunk and I thought he was..well, it's stupid to say but I thought he was...you. " He said, and his voice was low.

That was really stupid to even think that he was at the pub, he thought to himself. And he didn't know if he should feel good or feel bad from hearing what Isak said, but he thought he was going to let it pass. It's better for the both of them. His brain capacity was already packed with his pasts. There was no space left for his brain to dwell on this too.

" Just forget it, I.I don't want to think about it."

He wanted to close his eyes again but something came into his mind, and he immediately sprung up, unfortunately it was way too fast that he almost fell down from the bed, but Isak caught him just in time, and leaned him back on the pillow.

" Even, just lie down ok?"

" Did you..did you win?" He asked.

He saw Isak gazed at him and giggled slightly.

" From the stunt you put out there, of course we won!" He paused, and brushed a gentle stroke on his cheek. " ..and you did make my coach opened his mouth without saying a word, well..that's the first." He laughed, but then his face softened and his lips turned up into a small smile.

" You're crazy, Even..you know that?"

He didn't know if it was a compliment, a statement, or a question. But he'd like to think it was a compliment because Isak was smiling at him. But his smile came with an uncomfortable question.

" Was that...your.. first kiss?"

He pretty much wanted to forget about what he did out there for all to witness, but Isak looked so eager to know. What he did was purely the result from when his nerves and his brain decided to play tac team on wrestling. When his nerves came back, his brain went home. He nodded in embarrassment and immediately closed his eyes, but flinched when he felt a thumb brushed gently on his lips, and saw Isak looking at him that way again. That deep gaze like that time when Isak was trying to...

Even immediately swept that moment away from his brain, but the moment was pretty much there when Isak asked him,

" Even, can I have a proper kiss now?"

Was his kiss that bad that he said he wanted a proper one? He didn't think he could do it any differently. And when Isak looked at him this way, it made him scared that he would disappoint him. Isak looked so confident, but he himself just looked..pathetic. The worse part, he was still pretty much on the bed, unable to escape, and even if he could leave the bed, he didn't think he would make it past the door. He decided to look back at him,

" Was.Was it bad when I...?"

He saw Isak gazed at him with his eyes soften, and he nodded.

" Yes, it was, Even!..you can't just kissed me and fainted right in front of me, you know.." He paused, " You made me so happy and then you made me so worry right after. That.that's not fair. " 

Well, he didn't mean to, but he couldn't control how his blood wanted to move around his body. Basically he didn't think he had the right to control his own body at all. The things inside just did whatever as they pleased.

" I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."

But the moment of sorry was over when Isak caressed his forehead and quietly sat down just beside him on the bed, and gazed right into his eyes.

" Is it ok Even?..Can I kiss you?"

It seemed Isak couldn't wait for his answer and started to take a fair share on the bed. Isak lay down on his side, on top of the blanket, and faced him, while propping himself up on an elbow, with his other hand slid across his body and rested just below his ear. His thumb gently brushed his cheek. There was no way he could escape to anywhere right now when he was blocked left and right.

And for some odd reasons, he didn't feel like he wanted to be anywhere else but here, with Isak. He felt the warmth within his arms on _this_..this small bed at the medical room.

" Close your eyes, Even" He said, and his voice was soft.

Even closed his eyes and million things ran into his head. He didn't know what it would feel like when Isak kissed him, or when their lips met, because this was different from a while back.

A while back was brainless, irrational, unprepared, and uncalled for by his end. But now, Isak asked him, and he knew it was going to be more meaningful this time round, because it was just the two of them in this room. And he was scared because he didn't know how to actually return what Isak wanted to do. Would his lips return the kiss naturally or if he had to use his brain to think how to make that return perfect too? And how long was the kiss going to be, was it just ten seconds, thirty seconds, or a minute, or even longer? _Longer?_ Why a kiss needed to be that long?...and what should he do with his hands? Was he supposed to touch him or hold his face too? 

And the more he thought, the more he got confused. How could a kiss be so complicated? 

But the questions in his head were made crystal clear when he felt his breath just right on top of him. Warm lips planted on his forehead before they kissed their way down to the tip of his nose. And when a few strands of wet hair finally brushed on his forehead, just right above his eyebrows, he knew immediately what was about to come. Their breaths mingled together as Isak gently brushed his lips against his. It was innocent, it was gentle, and it was warm. Isak was breathing hard but suddenly pulled his head back a little.

And so he thought, that was it? Was it over? It wasn't that bad. He could deal with that.

Even opened his eyes but still found the gaze pretty much on him. He didn't know what it meant, and if it was over, why would Isak still looked at him this way?.. and his thumb still gently brushed on his lips, but Isak soon moved his hand down and placed on his chest.

" Are you ok, Even?" He asked, and his voice was so gentle. 

All he could do was giving him a slight nod. Tears started to line his eyes the moment Isak leaned down again and said to him, almost whispering, " I really love you, Even", followed by a hand that slid behind his neck and held it gently there. Even closed his eyes and felt his lips firmly pressed against his once more. But this time was different. It was more demanding, more passionate, more intimate, that he had to reach out his two trembling hands and hold the face of the person right above him and pulled himself away just a little. He wanted to look at the face if it was really Isak that kissed him this way. But he had no time to study that face as Isak leaned in to kiss him yet again.

His body was trembling and he couldn't control it. Isak was showing him.. _love_.. with just a kiss. And everytime Isak deepended the kiss further, he felt more and more assured. Isak was here to love him. He was not going to hurt him.

He didn't know how long the kiss lasted, he only knew that Isak had just pulled himself back up and lay on his side, with his head propped up on a hand, while gazing down at him without saying anything. His hand caressed his cheek for a brief moment before it moved to the top of the blanket just above his chest.

" Is it. Is it still ok in there?" Isak asked, while his hand gently drawing a small circle on the fabric. 

He nodded slightly, and smiled back at him. Even made up his mind that he wanted this relationship to last. Isak loved him and kissed him, and he. _He?_..He loved Isak?! He did love him. _He loved Isak._ The moment those words swam around in his head, he looked up at him and blushed, and found Isak still had his gaze fixed right back at him. Even reached out his hand on placed it on top of his. And it looked like Isak was surprised from how his eyes turned a little wider and his lips slightly parted.

" Even.."

" Isak..I" He paused and drew a long breath, "I.."

But someone decided to knock the door and disturb his moment, and he saw Isak hurriedly got out of the bed and flung himself on the chair just beside the bed. 

" Oh, Hey Isak!"

Why was Rob here again? But Rob looked at him guiltily. Perhaps, he'd just realised that he and Isak were pretty much together and they were not just playing around.

" Hey Even!" 

" Umm..hi" 

" Can I talk to you, Even?"

To him? He didn't know what Rob wanted to say, but he couldn't just turn back on him. After all, they were both sort of drunk that night. He could let that all pass and be civilised about it. He nodded and smiled " Ok"

" And the coach asked for you." Rob said, and shrugged slightly.

Isak gesturing him that he needed to leave, but didn't forget to lean forward and moved his face closer to him but didn't saying anything, and he couldn't help for being jumpy and scared at times, it was in his blood, he could only assume. 

" Um..y.yes?" 

Isak smiled at him and said, " Nah, I just like when you get startled so easily." and he immediately pecked on his cheek and winked.

Even blushed immediately by this new overly happy Isak, so he just returned him with a meek smile.

" Dinner together?" Isak asked.

He nodded. It was a good idea, and he would love to celebrate his win too. 

Even moved up slightly and looked at Rob who just sat on the bed. The very same place where Isak was lying down a moment ago, and how he wished Rob didn't erase that crease.

" Um..you wanna talk to me about..?"

" Y.Ya, I just want to apologise to you for kissing you know..him." He paused,   
"I guess he really loves you like, for real..not just fooling around, I saw how he held you so tight..out there, in the open." 

Even nodded slowly. He could see that too. But he didn't see the point for him having to apologise. He just hoped Rob stayed away, and stopped acting like a threat to him. He felt insecure enough in his own skins, and he didn't need external factor that made him feel even more frustrated. But right now, he just wanted to put this matter to rest, and never spoke about it again.

" But I'm not sorry that I kissed him. I.I really liked him, so if one day, you two.."  
He said but never finished what he wanted to say.

He looked at Rob, feeling confused. If one day...what?? Did he mean if one day Isak stop loving him? He kept thinking and buried himself in that thought for a short moment, and tried to brush it away from his brain. For now, he just wanted to focus on dinner with Isak. He breathed out softly and pushed away the blanket. He wanted to get himself ready before Isak came back. He smiled silently to himself. But..with only just a few steps he took, he sank down to the floor, and Rob immediately came to his aid.

" Are you ok? You wanna lie down a little longer?" 

He felt pretty much confused too. He didn't know exactly what happened. There was no pain, no warning signs, nothing. He looked back at Rob and nodded. Maybe he should sit for a while. Maybe he moved a little too fast. Maybe he should drink some water. Everything was going to be ok. Even kept repeating those words in his head like a mantra. 

Rob helped him get on the bed before he left. He sighed quietly to himself. Finally he had his alone time, and hurriedly grabbed the phone beside the pillow and saw an unread message from Isak that said he was finishing soon and asked him to get ready. He replied him immediately.

He looked at a jug of water that was on the table and thought that if he couldn't make it to the table, how could he make it to dinner with Isak. He gave himself a nod of determination. He wanted to have dinner with Isak, and..and he wanted to tell Isak he loved him. He smiled to himself thinking about it and walked to the table. The phone vibrated again but he chose to ignore for now. Maybe Isak was coming back soon, he thought.

Even lifted the jug while holding a glass in another hand, but he couldn't control them when his hands started to shake that he dropped the glass on the floor, and at the same time, lost the grip from the jug. He didn't know what his body was trying to tell him, and he just replaced it with the thought of having dinner with Isak. But he didn't know when or how, the next thing he knew was the pain when his head hit the floor. He lifted his shaky hand and touched his forehead, and saw his own blood from the fingers, pieces from broken glass that perhaps managed to cut through his skins. He felt a sudden coldness on his forehead but no longer felt pain, nothing, but his eyes immediately closed, imprisoning himself into darkness.


	14. Chapter 14

He walked out of the room after meeting his head coach and shook his head slightly in disappointment. It seemed none of his teammates wanted to take over his position, and it looked like Rob still requested him to be his trainer after all. He sighed loudly, but chose to replace the unpleasant outcome of this meeting with the thought of that kiss. 

He loved how Even trembled beneath him, with his lips quivered slightly when he kissed him. And he also loved how Even used his tongue to push his away when he tried to invade into that territory, it had made that particular wrestling match more memorable. He blushed, giggled, and smiled, but immediately held himself back together when a few passerby looked at him weirdly. Once they walked past him, he pulled that moment back into his brain. It was definitely his first kiss. He knew it for sure. Isak smiled, but this time, quietly to himself.

He looked at his phone and got a little worried. Even had not yet replied his last text. But he chose to think positively. Everything was so perfect right now. The only things left for him to ponder, were the appointment with his doctor and Even moving in with him.

" Isak!"

He looked up and saw the culprit was walking towards him smiling broadly as usual. 

" Hey, so you're done talking to Even?..What are you talking to him about anyway?"

" Nothing, just apologize for kissing you that day, that's all." He said, and gave him a half shrug. 

He was amazed how irritatingly straightforward Rob could be. His confident level was above the Everest. He probably didn't think how Even would feel at all. And what about the person standing right opposite him, _no apology?_ He sighed silently, and almost choked when he was bumped at the shoulder from behind by not just one but two paramedics that hurried past him " Sorry." with trauma bag, first aid kit, and a resuscitator, and towards...the direction he was heading to. And he knew he shouldn't be too paranoid, but his eyes voluntarily followed the two figures. It didn't make him feel any better when he saw them turned at the corner towards the room where Even was.

" Sorry Rob, I have to go."

Something started to stir within his stomach that made him speed himself up. And the nearer he got closer to the room, the faster he walked. His body was heating up and bursting with adrenarine and sweats that started to seep out through his skins. He could even feel his heart was drumming through his chest right at this very moment.

Isak stopped once he saw a few people gathered from afar in front of the very room he wanted to get into. He took a deep breath in, but it turned shaky when he tried to breathe out. By this time, something had already stung his eyes that he had to keep blinking them away. His hands were shaking slightly while his knees went a little soft. He tried to stay calm but couldn't, as his feet were shuffling faster until they turned into a run. And in his head, it was filled with only just one word _'Even' ._

Even had not yet replied his last message, and he came to know why when he entered the room. The first thing he saw, was a thick piece of glass that just broke into three when he happened to step on it, creating a cracking sound right under his sneaker. He looked to the left where the bed was, but Even was not on it. Instead, he saw two paramedics knelt down to the floor on the other side of the bed, blocking the upper part of that body. And from his angle, he could only see long motionless legs stretched out to the floor.

Isak slowly walked over to the other side, feeling numb all over. And if someone were to stab him right now, he wouldn't feel a thing. He gazed down and saw what he was so afraid to see. A small puddle of blood spreaded on the floor with many pieces of cloths and gauzes that had been soaked in reds scattered sparingly. The side of his forehead was bleeding profusely and he could see how the reds continued to spread through the white cloth, claiming all area on that fabric. He saw one of the medics lay another piece and kept pressing on it, while another rescuer was monitoring his pulse.

" Sir, can you hear me?" One of the medics tried to call him, but Isak couldn't hear response from the person lying on the floor.

He knelt down to the floor and slowly walked on all four as he didn't think he had enough strength to stand anymore. He placed a hand on his leg and kept shaking it while calling him.

" Even!"

" Even!"

He moved even closer and grabbed his hand. The medic turned to look at him,

" Sir! You can't be here." 

" I.I have to. I know him." He said softly and his eyes never looked up to the man. Instead, they gazed steadily towards that face and those eyes that were trying to stay awake.

" Even?" He called him while putting a gentle stroke on his hand, and he wished Even pulled his hand away from his grip or anything, and he wouldn't feel disapppointed or sad. He just wanted this hand he held to move.

" Is.Is..Is there anything I can help?" He asked, and his voice was shivering.

He could feel how shaky his own body was right now, and tried his best to stay calm. He knew he had to be strong. It wasn't the time to break down when Even needed him. 

" Sir, it's best if you just stay away and let us do our job." He said.

 _Stay away?_ Isak shook his head and yelled back at him,

" No! Just let me do something! anything! Just tell me and I'll do it! "

He couldn't just stay here and watched him, and did nothing. He lifted up his cold hand and gave it a gentle touch with his lips and held it there, while breathing a life and a strength into it. And he could only hope Even felt that.

Isak tried to process this whole scenario and how it had gone terribly wrong. He recalled the moment with Even a while back, and it helped turn up the corner of his mouth slightly. But the moment was shattered when he gazed up and looked at Even, _here, now_. And he tried to ask himself and think, _how could that led to this?_ He pressed his lips together to stop them from quivering. Once he felt his finger move slightly, he immediately planted a kiss on it, to thank him for giving him something. He closed his eyes and rested his cheek on the hand he held.

Isak gazed up when he felt a hand patted his shoulder.

" Maybe you could help talking to him and keep him awake?" The man asked. 

Isak nodded in anticipation, and moved on knees and got closer to his side, settled himself on the heels. He looked around himself for the sharp pieces before he placed one hand on the floor, with the other hand reached out and stroked his cheek as gentle as he could. He was scared to hurt him with just a tiny pressure.

He saw the medic was administering IV on his forearm, while another person was still soaking away the blood on his forehead that didn't seem to stop. But he didn't know how big the wound was because it covered the whole area towards the side of his forehead. The red stain was seen on his hair and all the way down to his ears. He looked away and focus on his face instead.

" Even?" He called in a soft voice.

He saw Even tried to keep his eyes opened, but it felt like it was an arduous task for him. His mouth was quivering, with tears seeping down towards his temples. Isak grabbed his hand and said to him in a soft voice,

" I'm back, Even...I'm right here."

And he saw his mouth was in motion that wanted to say something, so he leaned forward closer to his face and tried to listen.

" I'm sorry, ....dinner. I'm sorry.." 

Those were few words he managed to hear. His voice was so weak that it felt like his ears were being touched by a soft wind. He shook his head. He didn't want to hear Even apologised for this. He reached out his shaky hand and put a gentle stroke on his cheek again. And though he tried to be brave and managed a small smile but he couldn't choke back the tears when he spoke.

" It's ok, Even. We..We can do this some other day." 

Isak leaned forward again and kissed his lips, and gently planted one more on his cheek. He kept his eyes on him and talked to him, and caressed his cheek until Even started to look more dazed and confused, with his eyes kept blinking as if he were drifting in and out of consciousness, and he started to gasp for more air as his breathing became shallow and quick. 

" Sir, you have to move away now!" One of the medics said.

He nodded, and hurriedly backed himself away a little, but still held his hand. He saw the medic tilted his head backward and lifted his chin. The man took out the resuscitator and placed a mask on his face, covering his mouth and nose. There was a bag and a tube that he attached them to it, and another rescuer was squeezing the bag to transport the oxygen and tried to stabilize his breathing. 

Isak looked to the door when he heard a commotion outside, and sighed in relief as they said the ambulance had finally arrived, and he saw two staffs came in with the stretcher. As he turned back, the medic used his stethoscope and listened to his heartbeat again.

" We have to move now!" He shouted. 

The two staffs that came with the vehicle lifted Even onto the stretcher while the two medics were still seen squeezing the bag and monitoring his pulse. Isak looked back to the floor where the puddle of blood was, and looked away immediately. He glanced around the room in a hurry and took Even's phone and jacket, and hurried out. 

...........................

Even was immediately transported to the operating room where he saw Mikael was already there pacing in front of the sliding door, with his eyes turned wild as he ran towards the gurney. Mikael kept calling his name while grabbing on his arm and shook it.

" Even!"

" Even!"

But Isak knew that Even was not going to move or answer anything right now. His condition was deteriorating fast with too much blood lost, and he was already unconscious half way to the hospital. 

Isak still kept holding his hand until they stopped both of them from entering. And the minute the door was sliding shut in front of his face, Mikael asked him,

" What happened? "

He shook his head. He didn't know. He just felt numb all over right now. He gripped Even's jacket even tighter and hurried to sit at the waiting area. Mikael walked over and just sat beside him. 

Isak drew a few shaky breaths and stared down to the floor.

" I.I don't know. Maybe he slipped, or maybe he fainted..and there were glasses all over. I really don't know." He paused " But I wasn't there..if.if I were there, this wouldn't happen, because I would catch him, I always catch him." 

He took out his phone and read the last message Even sent him _"ok, I'll get ready and see you soon."_ And he kept reading that short simple one line message over and over, until reality hit him. Frustration immediately rolled down his eyes as he buried his face into the jacket. His back moved up and down quickly, sobbing and releasing energy he had left into it. 

Isak felt arms wrapped around him, but he didn't want to look up and faced him. He wanted to keep his eyes closed and lived in the dark because that was where Even was right now..alone, cold, and in the light forbidden place. He couldn't be in that room with him and held his hand, but at least, he could let darkness be their connection.

" It's ok, Isak. Everything is going to be ok."

That was what Mikael said to him softly, and he nodded while still buried his face deep into the jacket. He didn't know when he let himself drift away, but woke up instantly when Mikael shook him and told him that he could see him now.

They had removed the glass that cut just right above his temple, the one that caused him severe bleeding, and it would have turned fatal if noone found him in time. And even though he was stabilized, he would still need to be on ventilater for another few hours until he was able to fully breathe on his own. 

But another news slapped right at his face. Even definitely needed a surgery once he recovered. His arteries were too blocked that his heart's pumping action had been weakened and it intefered with blood supply to his brain. And his heart valve needed replacement. _Someone in this building was going to put a knife through his chest._ They wanted to hurt him, cut him opened. It would make him feel better but it wouldn't cure him. And because his heart was poorly formed, he would need to have something done throughout his life. 

He hugged the jacket closed to his chest, and tried to come to terms with this information. He didn't know how Even would react if he found out that he needed a surgery again. He didn't know how Mikael could do this over and over throughout all these years. There was definitely an undying bond between them. And he didn't know if he was that strong enough or calm enough to handle if something like this were to happen again. 

" You know, you don't have to get involved with all this."

Mikael said, and excused himself to see Even first as they only allowed one visitor at a time. While _he_ , he still looked as confused as ever. He thought about what Mikael said to him. It was true, he didn't need to get himself into this situation. He was well-recognised and attractive enough to grab anyone whenever and wherever he wanted. 

And that brought him back to why he loved Even in the first place. He let himself dive deep into his own thoughts, and sighed quietly. He didn't have any answer. Sometimes love had no right explanation. It could be stupid little things when they spent time together, or it could be just a long gaze they shared at one another. He shook his head. Maybe, love didn't need explanation after all, because one could never justify the word well enough. 

He brought himself back to the _now_ again and saw Mikael walking back with his eyes a little reddened but was smiling. And Isak was still pretty amazed at how calm and collected Mikael could be, while he looked so... _worried and dishevelled._ He sighed silently to himself and stood up. He looked back at Mikael who just stood in front of him with his eyes studying him from head to toe. Within a blink of an eye, he felt a hand smacked right on his head that he immediately looked back at him, while rubbing his head.

" What's that for?" He asked, a little courteous, a little unhappy.

" Are you going to see him with this look on your face?" He asked.

" What look?" 

" This sad hopeless helpless look that you have on your face right now." He said, but he sounded rather playful than angry. He heard Mikael giggled slightly and said.

" I think you probably want alone time with him so I'm gonna go. And they'll move him out of intensive care tomorrow...also, I have to let you know he's still pretty much sedated so you probably won't get anything out of him now. Do you still want to go in?" He asked.

He nodded without hesitation. Of course he wanted to go in. That was the only thing on his mind right now, well, aside from all the worries. He saw Mikael smiled at him before walking away but he decided to ask him.

" H.How do you do it? I mean how can you stay so calm with..with all these? I.I can't." He said and looked away, unabled to face him.

" Well, if you can't then you shouldn't be here." He paused, " And how I do it? I guess, you just have to stop thinking too far and worry too much." He said and smiled back at him sincerely for the first time. " This won't be the last time you'll see but if you can handle this, you can handle anything..but again, noone force you to be here." He said, and patted his arm gently before walking away.

It seemed a smack on the head worked like magic. Mikael was right. He should stop planning and thinking too far ahead. He thanked Mikael silently in his head.

Isak took a deep breath and shook his head slightly. he should stop worrying about all these. Even was still here after all. His life with him was here and now, this day, this hour, this minute, and this second. And if he was not able to control or plan the far future with him, he could at least live in the present and plan this moment with him.

And this very minute, he wanted to walk over to the room and looked at the face he so wanted to see. Next minute, he was going to hold his hand. And the minute after that, he was going to sit down and stay with him til the next day. Isak smiled quietly to himself and looked down to his feet. This second, he was going to move his legs towards the direction, and he immediately paced himself to the room.

Isak walked in and quietly closed the sliding glass door behind him. He stood right at the foot of the bed, and looked at the person with bandage wrapped around his head. The bed was adjusted slightly upward. The blanket only covered up to his waist, exposing the wires that hooked up to his chest. Isak walked to his side and gazed down at the person, who once smiled at him everytime they met. But this time he wasn't. He looked completely different.

His mouth and nose were covered. There were two drips connected to his hand and his forearm. He didn't know what all these things were. But he wouldn't have to see this again once he moved to inpatient ward tomorrow. He saw Even blinked his eyes very slowly, looking sedated. 

Isak walked to his side and sat down on a chair. He looked at the purple- _ish_ bruises on his hand and his arm that caused by the needles and the tubes. He carefully and gently grabbed his hand and chose to brush along his fingers with his thumb instead. He gazed up at him again, but tears started to blur his eyes when he saw a bruise on his cheekbone, and he had to immediately wipe them away. He couldn't let Even see him like this. He had to be strong for Even and for himself.

" Even, can you hear me?" He called him in a soft voice.

Even opened his eyes only slightly, but they looked glazed over. Isak could feel his fingers move slightly. He must have heard him.

" I. I was thinking where we can have our dinner date together when you got out. They said you just need to stay in the hospital for a few days then you can go home." He said, while kept looking at those fingers moving slightly within his hand. And when he looked up, He saw Even with tears glistening at the corner of his eyes. He immediately stood up, reached out his other hand and helped wipe them away, while whispering,

" I'm sorry Even..I wasn't there.." He said, with a shaky voice and hurriedly sat down when his eyes started to brim with tears. He wanted to smile and comforted him, but couldn't do it. _Not now_.

He leaned forward with arms crossed on the bed, propping his cheek, he saw Even fell back into sleep again, so he decided to just let himself went into slumber, but didn't forget to make sure that their fingers touched. It was just his gesture to let Even know that he was here just beside him.

Next thing he knew, the nurse shook him awake. There were respiratory therapists waiting to help Even weaned off the ventilator. He winced when he saw them pulled out the tube that was inserted down his throat. It looked painful, but Even probably didn't feel a thing as he didn't see him moved a tiny bit. He saw them called him and shook him slightly at his shoulder but he didn't respond. His heart was beating faster and his feet just stepped forward and held his hand and squeezed it gently. The therapists shook him over and over again and called his name until Even finally fluttered his eyes opened, and he sighed out in relieve and curved up his mouth slightly into a small smile. The nurse informed him that Even would be moved to an inpatient room in an hour. 

He felt a load was taken off from his chest. He didn't like this room that Even was in right now. It made him feel depressed. There were too many machines that made beeping sound every now and then, and they freaked him out. He took a deep breath and looked back at him.

Now, he could look at his full face again minus the bandage around his head. Even looked tired and confused and started to breathe harder when his eyes fell on the wires on his own chest. Without second thought, he immediately cupped his cheek and stroked it gently.

" Even! It's ok..It's ok. Noone is touching it. They haven't done anything. Just breathe with me." He said, while inhaled and exhaled slowly.

He couldn't help but worried. Even looked so apprehensive by just a thought that someone had done something to his heart. What if he knew he was going to need one sooner than later. He was thinking of letting the doctor did the dirty job and told him, rather than he himself. He was definitely not going to be the one delivering this kind of news. He shook his head slightly to himself, _no way,_ and gazed back at him. He found Even glazed around the room, and it seemed he just realised what happened. His eyes started to fill with tears and he winced when he touched his own forehead. 

" I'm sorry, Isak." He said, apologetically.

" Don't..just don't. I'm glad you're here." 

Even kept quiet for a while, and it made him a little frustrated. He didn't know what Even was thinking about, but he saw him staring blankly to the ceiling, but suddenly turned his head slightly and gazed back at him,

" You're glad that I'm in the hospital?" He asked, and gave a very light chuckle.

Most likely, the sedation from the drips was almost worn off, as Even could post him a sarcastic question. And he saw a smile back on that face again. He missed this. 

" I'm glad that you're still here with me." 

Isak gazed deeply into his eyes and he was thinking, in five seconds, he was going to kiss him, and so he did. Isak leaned over and brushed a thumb gently over his lips. He didn't know and didn't care if Even would feel uncomfortable or comfortable with him doing this out of nowhere, but he was not going to let this second pass him by. He closed his eyes and gently brushed his lips against his before deepened it further. He could taste saltwater in this kiss. As he pulled himself back, he saw Even with tears rolling down his eyes, and he couldn't help but stroked his cheek again, and asked,

" Even, will you come and live with me?"


	15. Chapter 15

_Living with Isak?_

He never thought about that. Lucky enough, the nurse came to wheel him out to the inpatient ward just in time before he had to say anything back to him. He gazed up at Isak who was walking alongside the bed, and thought that Isak kinda looked like one of the staffs. He giggled slightly and that caught some attention from the both of them. The kind looking nurse didn't say anything beside giving him a gentle smile, while Isak was.. _being Isak,_ as he immediately gazed down and asked him.

" Something funny?"

Even shook his head slightly, "No, nothing," and immediately avoided his gaze.

His eyes caught a glimpse of his own jacket in his hand. It looked so crumpled like it had been left untouched in the dryer for a whole week. And he was wondering what Isak had done to it. 

The minute he was wheeled into the room, the familiar chemical, and strong sterile smell hit his nose straight away, and he frowned. To him, it was not a smell of daily routine by dedicated staffs, but sickness and motality. This was never a place one wanted to be in. 

The nurse helped him to the uncomfortable bed and informed him that the surgeon who helped put his head back together would come up to meet him. He nodded slightly in response. Most likely, just a ward round, he thought. But Isak squeezed his hand so tight that he had to look up. 

" Isak? Is there something wrong? "

" Uh..N.Nothing, sorry, did I hurt you?"

" No." He replied in a low voice and shook his head.

Even sat on the bed that had been adjusted upward, and roamed his eyes around. Why did the air-con had to be so cold? And why did the hospital gown had to be so thin? He sighed quietly to himself, and touched the bandage on his forehead near the temple. The stitch was so tight that he felt like the side of his forehead had been streched out to the max, and it was so tender to the touch that he immediately winced, with the extreme pulsing pain after all his nerves came rushing back, to remind him how alive he was. He groaned and covered his face with both hands right away, but jumped a little when he felt an arm slid across his back and rested on his waist, with the side of the bed sunk by the weight of a person. _Isak_.

And when he thought he would feel uncomfortable with this new found closeness, because by now, he knew how openly affectionate Isak could be, he was quite surprised at himself how much he really enjoyed this new intimacy between them. Perhaps, it was the kiss Isak gave him. It made him feel connected and belonged.

Even moved slightly to the side to welcome another body heat on the bed. It felt nice, his body was so warm that he automatically nudged his way in a little closer, before buried his face back into his palms, trying to cast away the pain. 

" Is it very painful, Even?" Isak asked with a soft voice, and pulled his hands out from covering his face.

He nodded. He swore he could feel his pulse popping through his forehead right now, but he tried his best to give him a smile. Isak looked too worried.

" Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" He asked, and his eyebrows narrowed with concern.

He shook his head. He didn't think Isak could help, unless he could bring him travel back in time. He let his thought ponder about some solution to this mishap, and his smile got wider and wider before turning into a soft laugh. 

" What's so funny?" Isak asked, with curious look on his face.

" I think I should get a helmet, you know..and wear it all the time!" 

He laughed out loudly, but stopped right away and pressed his lips together when he didn't see Isak laughed along with him. Instead, he was returned with an intense gaze. _'So lacking sense of humour' ,_ Even pouted, and looked to the other direction instead, but startled and looked back when Isak raised his voice at him.

" Do you think this is funny? Have you..Have you seen yourself yesterday!" 

He immediatedly turned away from that upset gaze and frustrating voice Isak shot at him. He just wanted to make this whole situation lighter. _What's wrong with just making fun of himself._ He frowned and kept quiet. Isak was starting to turn into another Mikael. He sighed and stared blankly out the window, but soon surrounded by arms that pulled him in.

" I.I'm sorry Even, I just..it's just not funny at all, not to me."

Isak rested his head on his shoulder before he slipped a hand on his neck and cuddled it with a few soft kisses. The warm breath he felt on his neck, though a little ticklish, it was comforting enough that made him forget about the pain and the cold for a moment. But it seemed Isak didn't just stop there as his fingers ran along his collarbone before reaching out to grab his hand and pressed a warm kiss into his palm, and only then that Isak finally looked up and gazed back at him.

" Even. You really scared me." He said , almost whispered.

And he felt warm breath on his collarbone followed by a cuddle again. He had to admit that he was smitten with the touch, the kiss, the gaze, and this hug. But he was also curious why Isak was getting overly touchy, and how he kept looking at him like it was going to be the last time they would see each other had made him even more anxious. And that pair of lips suddenly asked with an uncomfortable question.

" You haven't replied me, Even..will you come and live with me?"

Even immediately shifted his eyes and immersed himself into the white _-ness_ of the blanket. Isak didn't forget what he asked after all. 

_Right_ , He had to think and give Isak some answers or something that would stop him from acting weird. That pair of doe eyes which was demanding, sad, and hopeful at the same time made it difficult for him to say no. But he couldn't say yes either. He never lived with anyone else aside from Mikael. And he still pretty much enjoyed living with him where he could go knocking on his room anytime he wanted when he didn't feel well, or when he just wanted to have someone to talk to. But with Isak, he couldn't just go knocking on his door or _coud he?_

He let his mind flew further to Isak's apartment, and he froze. Isak only had one bedroom!!! , which meant Isak asked him to live with him, not just in his apartment, but in his very room, on his big bed, together every night? And what would Isak do if they were on the same bed? His hands and his breath would be all over him in no time, considering how expressive and cuddly feely Isak could be when it came to that.. _.that thing._

He gazed back at that face. Isak would be the first and the last person he saw everyday. Would he like it? He smiled silently to himself for he might actually savour in that idea. _But.._ there was always a _but_. He shook his head _No_ , he couldn't. He couldn't trouble Isak. Isak was his boyfriend not a caregiver. What would he think of him when he would always need help. He let the weight of this matter lingering in his mind until he decided to say, 

" Isak, I. I don't know how this, you..me..how it's gonna go. But I know I. I will cause you problems if I stay with you." He said, but avoided the gaze and dropped his eyes at the door instead, when someone just came knocking on it. But he heard Isak said, 

" But I want you to be my problem."

And he had to look back at him because of how soft his voice was. That yearning gaze Isak had on him, studying all over his face _, ' What is it? Why are you looking at me this way? Something on my face? '_

Next thing he knew, Isak drew his face even closer to him, until someone decided to intrude and disturb their moment, and put a stop to whatever that might have happened. He looked back and saw five people, of whom one of them he recognised as his cardiologist. Another two looked pretty young, more like interns, while the other two looked like they'd been in this profession for sometimes now. He smiled slightly at them, and he felt the tight grip on his hand again.

" Isak, wh.what is it?" He asked.

It seemed Isak avoided his eye contact, but just kept squeezing his hand so tight that he wanted to pull away, but Isak just gripped his hand even tighter. 

" Isak."

" I love you, Even," He said in a soft voice that one could barely hear, and his eyes fixed at the hand he held, while stroking it gently with his thumb.

He didn't get a good feeling from the vibe Isak given him right now, and he had the right to, when his cardiologist said,

" Even..I guess you already know that your heart structure is not as normal..and I won't be here if there's nothing wrong. Do you understand what I am saying here?"

He nodded and looked back at him. He never noticed since when his cardiologist was getting kinda old now, considering he last saw him three months ago. He could spot a few strands of white hair. However, that didn't affect how sharp or how smart he was. The man was still as intelligent, as caring and as nurturing as always. His voice was still as calm and soothing as he last heard him spoke.

" You know that you need to pay more attention and take extra care of yourself."

He could only nod, and wished that the man just said whatever he wanted to say. He was so used to the surgery by now, there was no need to sugar coat it.

And as expected, he needed surgery. Even let parts and pieces of information fell into his mind. His heart was slowly losing the ability to pump blood to his brain. There were too many blockages in his arteries that affected his physical function, and his heart valves needed replacement.

He saw the soon to be his cardiac surgeon walked over and pressed that stethoscope on his chest, with the two interns standing just beside him. while the other surgeon went out with his cardiologist to discuss about something, before they came back to inform him that they needed to make a longer incision this time.

He aimlessly stared past the surgeons and fixed his gaze at the wall, and drown himself into the idea of another surgery. So far, he had already done five, and yet he still ended up here. What difference would it make this time beside the longer scar right in the middle of his chest.

He jumped a little when he felt arms slid behind and across his body, but he didn't move nor looked back. He needed time, maybe a minute or two. 

He gazed up to the soon to be his new cardiac surgeon. _Was this surgeon even good enough? How many he saved? How many he let go? What if he die right on the table? Who would he leave behind?_ He tried to think of someone who might miss him. _.right_ , Mikael. Mikael might cry for him. _Still._.there was one more person now, wasn't it. _Isak_. 

He gazed down and found Isak had already had his troubled eyes on him for he didn't know how long. And though he felt the warmth within this embrace, his insecurity managed to find its way back and let his mind moped about it. He didn't know what Isak would think of him now. Was Isak going to be ok with him like this, needing surgery after surgery? Was he going to leave? Would Isak cry if he took a really really long vacation if it were to fail one day?

 _No._ He silently slapped himself in the face and brought himself out of that thought right away. He needed to clear the sack of mess in his brain. And soon enough, the surgeon shook him out of it.

" Mr. Næsheim?"

 _So formal. So distance_. He didn't like the idea the surgeon called him by last name since the man would be the one who would eventually have a hold of his heart, like physically having his heart in his hands. Those two hands would slit his skins opened. Even took a not so obvious gaze at the surgeon, studying him from his posture down to his physical appearance, and stared at his hands for almost a minute. He nodded silently to himself. His hands were not shaky, _great_ , at least he wouldn't accidently cut or do damages to his nerves. But still, he prefered some friendliness.

" Just call me Even, please...and..why do you have to cut longer this time?"

This was a really weird vocabulary used. He felt like they were carelessly discussing about slicing a cake. He shook his head again, in hope to find a better word from his brain. _' Incision!!'_ That's the word. But..what difference would it make, they all meant the same thing, be it cut, slice or incise. Even looked back at the doctor, and it seemed he didn't care which word he used after all.

" I'm afraid this time we need to reach multiple areas, Mr. Næsheim...sorry.. I should call you, Even, from now." He paused, " Just relax, we are going to take care of you." He said with a professionally calm voice. 

That was easy for him to say when he was standing on the other side, wasn't it, Even thought. He gazed down at Isak who was leaning on his shoulder, and kept staring at the surgeon, looking disturbed, but suddenly sat up straight and asked,

" What..how..when..I mean ..what now?" 

" Mr. Valtersen if I'm not wrong." The surgeon asked.

" Yes, I am." He replied in an instant.

Of course, everybody knew Isak. He couldn't help but smiled at how confident and proud Isak was when people recognised him. But again, Isak stared at his surgeon a tad too obvious that he had to nudge him with an elbow.

" Well..Even, as you know, you'll have to sign the consent form. And pick any suitable date you feel comfortable, but I'd suggest that you should have it done within these few weeks. I'll leave you to it." He said, and just left him at that. 

Pick a date and signed the form. Sounded simple. He might as well just flip a coin or threw a dart at the calender. It wouldn't make any difference. Even stared blankly at the door, until Isak squeezed his hand back to the present.  
  
" Even, how.how are you taking this. Are you ok?" 

The only think he could give was a nod. After all, what else could he do. This was a part of him.

He took a deep breath and rubbed his own chest. Perhaps, the surgeon should just put a zipper on his chest instead of stitching it. It would be easier next time. He laughed softly to himself again, but he had no intention to tell Isak his joke, considering the intense and disturbing gaze he received a while back. 

He sighed quietly to himself again. He was so not ready for this surgery, but he also hated how crappy and how weak he felt right now. Even slipped himself out of his arms, stretched his legs to the floor, but stopped by a hand that grabbed on his wrist.

" Where are you going?"

" I just want to get some water outside." He said

But he second guessed once he looked at the door. He had a feeling these two limbs might not hold him long enough. They might take him there but might not bring him back. His legs were still a little too wobbly to walk. He decided to sit still for a minute until he had gathered enough strength and stood up, but Isak suddenly showed up right in front of him and held both his arms.

" Even, I don't think you should walk now. Why don't you just sit down. I'll go get some water for you, be right back" He said, and smiled gently at him.

And all he could say was _nothing_ but a slight nod.

Even just sat there, huddling himself on the bed, with arms crossed on the knees, propping his cheek and gazed out the window. He had to pick the date, a suitable date.. _but_.. _Was there ever the right time to do the surgery? Was there ever a suitable date to have one?_

He sighed. His head felt pain, his chest felt uncomfortable. His whole body felt weak and cold. He knew he was in the verge of giving up altogether and let it be. He didn't know why it kept happening. He was being a good patient. He took medication regularly. He'd done everything so right but why it still turned out so wrong.

Even huddled himself even tighter but it wasn't tight enough to withhold tears from his eyes. And he knew he should control himself and keep it together before Isak came back, but at this very moment, he just wanted to submit himself into defeat, and he soon came to realise that he would always be a burden to anyone close to him. Isak didn't deserve to go down this path with him.

Even closed his eyes again and came to a decision. He rubbed traces of tears away with his palm while putting himself back together, and gave Isak a smile when he entered the room with a giant glass of water.

" Wait long?" He asked, and walked over to steal the side of the bed again.

Even shook his head _No_.

Once he turned around after putting the glass back on the side table, Isak grabbed his hand, then put a soft kiss on it, and gazed longingly at him. _Isak_ , the one that could have anyone at will, was here with him by his side. He didn't want to lose _this._.this feeling of just having him here..together. But he didn't want to be the kind of boyfriend that was nothing but an extra weight in his life either. Even looked at him and asked,

" Don't you have practice to go to?"

" I actually took a week off. Don't worry, I can manage my time just fine."

He nodded slightly as acknowledgement and closed his eyes for a second. He looked back at Isak and pressed his lips together before he summoned some courage into his head.

" Isak..can we..can we talk?"

" Ok..but wait" He said, while pressing the button to adjust the head section a little downward. " Just lean back, Even" , and he helped tug the pillow behind his back, then moved on to help cover him with a blanket, up to just above his waist. 

Unable to say anything. His eyes misted over as he stared back at him, with his lips started to quiver. And he saw Isak sat on the side of the bed facing him, letting one of his legs stretched down to the floor, holding his hands, and gave him a warm smile. 

" Something wrong, Even?" He asked, looking concern.

Even pulled his hands away and gazed out the window.

" Even? What's wrong?"

He blinked away something that started to brim his eyes, and looked back at the owner of the voice.

" Isak..I..you know how I will never be well?" 

" So?" Isak replied, and tilted his head. curious.

" You know how I can never follow with your activities, and maybe a lot of things you enjoy doing..I. I'll just slow you down." 

" What are you trying to say here, Even?" He asked, and raised his voice a little.

" I really enjoy our time together. I.I do, but I think.. "

He stared down to his hand that Isak held. He couldn't say it out, but only shook his head slightly, and hoped Isak got the message. But it seemed, message was not well received, as Isak lifted his chin up, and brushed a gentle stroke on his cheekbone, and he winced to the touch. Maybe there was a bruise there, he thought. But his thought was dismantled by warm lips right where the supposed bruise was. And he felt himself blushing, if not, someone must have put a flare on it. Isak was sending him _love_ again, at this time, when he tried to have Isak unloved him.

" I think it's best that we..." , and immediately felt another warm lips just right under his cheekbone.

" It's best that we continue with what we have." He said, and pressed another kiss under the previous one.

" Isak, I just think..." , and yet another kiss near his lips.

" You just think what..Even?" He asked.

Right now, he just thought why Isak chose to do this now. The thumb that brushed on his lips just like last time when Isak wanted to...

But suddenly, his hand disappeared from his face, and he felt the pillow behind his back moved up to just behind his head, and the head section of the bed slowly adjusted downward until he almost lay flat. And his hand reappeared again on his cheek. Isak was gazing down intently at him, and he could see that face was drawing nearer. Didn't he know they're at the hospital right now? He closed his eyes and turned his face away but the wound that pressed against the pillow was too unbearable that he winced and gasped in pain. Isak immediately cupped that side of his cheek and tilted his face back gently and said,

" I'm sorry, Even." with a distressing tone in his voice that Even had to gaze back at him. 

"Isak.."

" I'm sorry I wasn't there..I won't let that happen again."

" It.it's not your fault." He said. " You know, you don't have to see this ever again..if..if we just.." 

" What are you planning to say Even?" 

Even shifted his eyes away and chose to look to the other direction. He wasn't sure what he was thinking either, but he knew Isak didn't belong here, at this place, in this room. Isak should use his free time doing something he loved rather than just stuck here at this daunting place. He sighed quietly to himself, but jumped a little when Isak placed his warm hand on his cheek. He gazed back at him but soon dropped his eyelids when he saw Isak stared back at him looking deeply upset. 

" Even! Why? What are you thinking!"

" You..you should leave. You shouldn't be here." He said, with trembling voice.

" Why are you saying this? saying this kind of thing to me!" He said, with tears lined his eyes.

Even immediately reached out his trembing hand, wanted to wipe the sadness away from his face, but Isak grabbed his wrist.

" Don't wipe my tears if you're not planning to make them go away!" He yelled, breathing hard.

Isak looked.. _hurt_. He didn't mean to make him feel this way. He regretted saying it, but his mind overpowered his heart, and it thought this was the better solution for him. Why would anyone even want to be here anyway.

" I.I'm sorry, I thought..."

" You thought what? I'm so worried about you and you still keep saying this to me!" He raised his voice again, and gazed intensely at him.

Even felt guilty, he hurt his feeling. He could feel it in that voice. But he was also scared. Scared of that gaze. Scared that Isak finally stopped loving him this instant, this soon, because of what he said, because he was pushing him away. He immediately closed his eyes, and felt Isak released his hand from his wrist. Maybe Isak left because he felt cold again, and once he heard the sound of the door closing, he slowly opened his eyes and found himself all alone. He nodded quietly to himself. _That was what he wanted, wasn't it._ And now, he didn't have to feel anxious that anyone would leave him again. He could fight this alone. This was better.

 _But_. But if this was better why did he feel so terrible right now. Why did tears kept blurring his eyes no matter how hard he tried to wipe them away. And why couldn't he even control a simple thing as a sob. 

Even shifted his body and lay on his side, away from the wound, gazing out the window, but he couldn't see anything except the grey sky. He sighed silently, and heard a knock on the door, and a familiar voice from a middle aged man reached his ear.

" Even, are you sleeping?" 

His cardiologist called and he shook his head slightly. He didn't feel like talking right now. He heard the footsteps getting nearer to the bed, but he couldn't care about whatever the man wanted to say.

" Another test result came back, your blood oxygen level is way too low. Even? Do you understand what it means?" He asked with concern.

But Even just gave him a half shrug. He was too drained to reply. His brain didn't want to think at this moment. He just wanted everything to be over, one way or another. 

He felt the head section of the bed moved upward again. Now he could see the top of the trees. He blinked his eyes a few times and saw the gown of the man blocking the view. 

" I have to do some routine check up here. Why don't you lift up your shirt."

A kind voice reached his ears and the doctor pressed that cold metal piece against his chest tightly.

" As I said, you're not going to feel any better at this point, Even. Your heart is suffering. You need this surgery really soon. It will make you feel better."

" It will make me feel better!..and then what? I will still end up here anyway." He said, and could taste bitterness in his own voice. 

He didn't know what caused this anxiety. Maybe it was the fact that he heard him said this exact thing for gazillion times, but in the end, he was always going to end up here, at this place again and again.

He gazed up at him and sighed softly, " I'm sorry, I didn't meant to."

And he was returned with kindness as always, as his cardiologist looked at him and gave him a warm smile.

" How about spend some times at home for a week or two, then admit youself here..How's that sound?"

 _'Sound Fantastic'_ He thought. Even stared back at him but his brain was too cloudy to think about this surgery or anything. 

" I'll think about it." He said and gazed out the window again. 

" I have the consent form here, do you want to go through with it now? " The man asked.

He looked up at him. Was he trying to be funny? He probably memorised all the things listed in that form by now. But perhaps his cardiologist noticed the look on his face, as he said, " This form is slightly different, maybe I should go through it with you."

He shook his head. He didn't want to fit anything inside his brain, _not now_.

" Just leave it. I.I'll read it later."

He saw his cardiologist walked past the foot of the bed with the form in his hand.

" I'll leave the consent form on the side table here. Just read and sign it. I'll come back and check with you again." He said, and excused himself out.

The minute the door closed, his eyes started to fill with tears again, and he had to keep blinking them away.

But not long after, the sound of the door closing reached his ears and he heard the papers being flipped open from the side table behind him. Why couldn't the doctor just leave him alone. He sighed and raised his voice a little.

" I said I'll read it later!"

He felt bad yelling at his doctor, but right now he didn't know where all the frustration and agony came from. He closed his eyes tried to calm himself but to no avail, as he found them burning on his cheeks again. _Why didn't it go away?_

Even lifted his hand and wiped away the tears with the heel of his palm. And suddenly, he felt the head of the bed slowly moved downward to almost flat again, and he could no longer see the top of the trees. He sighed quietly to himself. Was this fun for his doctor to play with this automatic bed? He had the urge to complain but he chose not to. He just felt so exhausted right now that even breathing tired him.

" Doctor.. You can take back the form. I think I..I'm not going to sign anything. I don't want the surgery anymore." He paused, and started to sob, " I just.I'm just tired..I'm so very tired, I can't do this anymore..I don't need this anymore... I just want to go home, and I'm sorry..but..I'm not coming back here again." 

He said with a quavering voice and hurriedly wiped his tears away. But immediately felt a body claimed not only half the space on the bed, but also half of the pillow. He froze when a warm breath and soft lips felt at the back of his neck, and an arm slid across his body and hugged him tightly. And before he could act or react, the voice he thought he would never hear again whispered behind him.

" Even..you can't say this..you need this."

 _Isak? Why was he still here?_ Even tilted his head and looked back, and found Isak with tears glistening his eyes right behind him.

" Isak..W.Why are you still here?" He asked, and found Isak used his strong hand to turn his body over to face to ceiling, and his hand caressing his cheek again. Isak gazed deeply at him, so he shifted his eyes to the blanket instead, but felt a hand lifted his chin up.

" I guess, I never left..I was just outside talking to your cardiologist and your surgeon...and I guess I was just.. cooling off..maybe" He sighed, " I don't know but I think we just had a fight." He said, and smiled softly.

" A fight?" 

It didn't feel like a fight to him. How could it be a fight when he never fought back. But his mind was not allowed to think about this so-called fight when Isak decided to press those warm lips on his cheek. 

" You should have told me all your frustration... and.. is there anything else bothering you?" He asked, and brushed his lips just below his cheek again.

The thing that was bothering him right now was the kiss after kiss that was slowly making its way down next to his lips. Isak always made him feel so vulnerable, and it didn't make his brain any clearer when Isak kept caressing his shoulder and moved on to brush a thumb on his lips, before he held his face by the cheek and kept stroking it gently. Didn't he know..........and suddenly his hand disappeared from his face and showed up at his waist. Isak kept rubbing it gently, and slowly worked his hand up to his chest before it reappeared again on his cheek. He didn't know what Isak was trying to do here, but he felt so sensitive from all those touches, that he had to swallow a giant gulp of oxygen down his throat..Didn't he know..

" We're at the hospital, Isak." He said.

It was just to remind him in case he forgot, but it didn't seem whatever he said made Isak stopped or backed away. His reply was pretty straightforward and unabashed.

" I know. So?" He shrugged, and drew his face nearer and nearer. 

Even didn't even have time to respond when warm lips brushed against his, and Isak suddenly pulled his head back a little, with his face softened, he whispered, " You hurt my feelings, you know."

" I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I thought it's better for you, and I still think it's better if we just..", but Isak immediately covered his mouth with his hand and said,

" See? You're doing it again." He paused, " Don't think for me, Even. I'm here because I choose to be here." 

He dropped his eyelids and nodded slightly, and heard Isak said, " Do you want to make up for what you did?" 

Even saw the sniper gaze Isak shot at him and he raised his brow. There was something hidden behind that gaze, but he was also curious, so he decided to nod.

" Then live with me." And he slid his hand behind his head and placed a gentle kiss at the side of his neck, just below his ear, before he looked back up and gazed deeply into his eyes. 

Isak was so close and his gaze was so deep. He could feel his heart was pounding hard that he was unable to muster any word out of his lips. They locked gaze at each other until Even decided to give him a meek smile and nodded slightly. And it seemed whatever he did now was the right thing to do, because he saw Isak smiled back at him and said, " Thank you, Even" and placed another soft kiss right on his lips, and he asked " Your surgery..He said you need to have it done before.... "

" I.I don't want.." He interrupted, and shook his head.

" Yes, you do. You need this. Just..do this for yourself."

 _For himself?_ He didn't like the feeling before the surgery, and he hated it even more after it's done. He would feel so tired and his whole back would feel so sore. He shook his head _No._ But Isak suddenly cupped his cheek, forcing him to gaze back.

" Then do this for me..will you do this for me?" He asked with a soft voice.

Isak gave him that frowning face with doe eyes again. He breathed out softly. He didn't think he would want to go through it again if it were to be for himself. But _for Isak?_ He kept quiet for a while and looked back up at him, and gave him a faint smile and a slight nod, almost unwillingly. 

" Thank you, Even..and..perhaps, you could move in with me before surgery? "

 _Before surgery?_ That was way too soon for him. And what about Mikael. He couldn't let Mikael live alone. He paused to think for a moment. Maybe Kris might move in, since they were hanging out together a lot lately in that room. He was not going to think what happened beyond that door. He took his mind out of that place and looked back at Isak.

" It's too soon. Maybe after surgery..if it's ok with you?" 

Isak nodded, and he couldn't help but smile quietly to himself at how happy Isak looked right now. But he also didn't know why agreeing to live with Isak made him feel shy and anxious at the same time. He wanted to shift his body away and gaze out the window again to clear his mind and calmed his pounding heart, but he felt a warm hand cupped on his cheek before he had a chance to move. He didn't know how breaking this love a while back, had turned into making this love at this moment, when he felt a hand slid right under his hospital gown.

" Don't..I.I can't, Isak." He said immediately, because he knew he couldn't take this, not now. But he wouldn't think _not ever._ There might be a chance that one day he could, but it was definitely not going to be today.

Isak immediately stopped and took that expressive quick hand away from his skins " I'm sorry, Even" He said, and gently stroke his cheek.

The only thing in his head right at this very moment was whether he could survive Isak and his hand back at his apartment. But his mind was not left to ponder for long when he felt another kiss right on top of his chest before a soft voice asking him, "Why don't we go through the consent form together."

He looked back at Isak and nodded slightly Ok.


	16. Chapter 16

He blinked his eyes open and wiped the sleep off his face. _Why so many body parts here?_ Right, his teammates came unexpectedly to destroy his place last night, even though he was still on leave. He grumbled quietly and pushed away all those hands and legs weighing on his body.

Even would be out of the hospital today and he couldn't wait to meet him in...? He reached out for his phone from the side table and kicked out whoever laying on the bed in the process. 

....in two hours. Still had more than an hour to spare. He nodded silently to himsel. He was planning to take Even back here so they could spend more time together, before sending him back to his place, or he was planning to persuade Even to just stay overnight here. He gave a quiet nod to his second plan and smiled openly thinking how brilliant his idea was. That sounded about right, and immediately got out of the bed and splashed himself with the icy cold water. _'Brrr..that's freaking cold! '_ , and he thought he might have got himself a face freeze for a moment.

He looked around and sighed loudly. In order to make his apartment looked and felt more inviting, firstly, he needed to cast away all _these_..these spirits and beings lying around on the floor in his living room, as well as on his bed. Looked like he had to change bedsheet again. 

" Get up!... Out! Out! Out!" He shouted.

He hated his teammates sometimes when they decided to show up at the very last minute. _'So annoying'_ he thought, while clearing all the mess they left behind.

After a long boring moment of cleaning and sprucing up his place, he glanced around and nodded to himself in approval. It seemed everything was in order once again, but suddenly heard a noise and footsteps coming out from the bathroom and towards the kitchen where he was. 

" Morning Isak!" He greeted, and beamed into a smile.

" Rob! Why are you still here! get out!" He shouted and looked at the guy who still looked a little hungover. 

" Ok..ok, I get it, I'm leaving.." Rob breathed out loudly, but quickly turned around and said, 

" I'm sorry to hear about him..you know, Even. But... don't you think maybe he's not for you?"

" What do you mean not for me?" He raised an eyebrow, annoyed by the question.

" I mean, you are Isak Valtersen, you're great! you're confident! you're just so good at everything. But he, he's just..you know? different, more like the opposite." 

" So?" He said, feeling unhappy about this remark.

He didn't find it a problem at all. Difference was a good thing. Even was modest, humble, courteous. His humility was something none of his past boyfriends had. And to be honest, maybe he lacked some of it too. But Even taught him all those things. _Wait._ He paused his brain for a minute and thought... _well_ , although he didn't know if he learnt anything at all. 

He closed his eyes and brought that face up into his head, and smiled slightly. But the corner of his mouth dropped down again when that face was destroyed by words that scratched on his ears.

" You know....I. I really like you, Isak." He said in a soft voice, and walked nearer to him.

He looked back at Rob, and had to applaud him secretly, but he wished that it was Even who said those words to him, out and loud..perhaps one day. He smiled to himself thinking and dreaming about it, but carefully put that longing fantasy back in his head, and looked at the person standing in front of him again. For now, since Rob was so honest, perhaps, he could be straightforward with him too.

" I know." He shrugged, ".. but you know I'm not interested."

 _Good_. He felt great saying it out, and immediately applied the _safe distancing_ and took two steps back once Rob was trying to close that gap. It reminded him of someone who used to do the exact same thing, so scared, so uncomfortable. But that was no longer the case, since he already planted kisses after kisses and claimed Even to be his. And it seemed Even loved his cuddles too, or that was what he thought.

Again, Rob was really an outspoken person, or the guy was still under the influence of alcohol, considering how much he had to drink last night. He could feel that those legs would not walk in one straight line even if he asked him to. And since he himself wasn't drunk like that day, he would have no problem giving some colour on that face if this human were thinking of doing something funny again. But right now, it appeared that Rob was just standing still and not trying to come any closer. _Great_. Even's tactic seemed to be working just fine here, as he saw how Rob nodded and took it rather well like a man. 

" Ok, but..Isak..I. I still like you. Maybe, until I've found someone better." He said, and beaming into a hopeful smile.

Rob and his great spirit, he smiled uncomfortably back at him ,but felt a little disturbed by the last word he said _'better?'_ Who could be better? He was pretty sure he himself was the best. Everyone wanted to be with him. He was annoyed by it for a while, but decided to be more _humble_ , and slapped away that competitive thought from his brilliant mind for now. He took a quick look at his phone again, and hurried himself out to catch the bus.

Once he reached the hospital, Even was already sitting and waiting near the counter for his medication. He smiled silently, and secretly stole a gaze at him, thinking that, soon.. that beautiful soul sitting alone right over there was going to occupy a side of his bed, and he couldn't wait to snuggle him inside his warm arms.

Even had mentioned that there was a very high possibility that Kris might be moving in with Mikael once he moved out of the apartment. And Even looked kinda sad, thinking that Mikael would forget about him, of which was absolutely ridiculous. Mikael would never forget Even. Besides, they would still be spending time together at the cafe anyway. He didn't know where Even got that idea from, and this was the one thing he felt a little annoyed by. Even liked to think too much of everything. Maybe some confidence needed to be built up in there, right in that mind of his. 

" Hey Even!" He greeted, and sat right beside him.

But it looked like Even didn't hear him, or didn't even notice him. He looked a little agitated. Without hesitation, Isak grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently to get his attention, and called him again.

" Even?" 

His calling seemed to startle him, and it was strange how Even stared back at him for seconds too many, before he blinked and greeted back.

"Uh..hi.." Even replied briefly, and looked away, and he continued fidgeting and kept tapping his foot in that square of beige colour floor tile.

Something wasn't right, he could feel it in all those sweats beading on his forehead, and how his body trembled under those hoodies he wore. Isak used his instinctive eyes observed all over his gaunt and dishevel appearance. Even was breathing a little too heavy. 

" Even? Are you feeling ok?" He asked, and rubbed his hand gently.

He knew Even wanted to be discharged today against his surgeon's advice, and that was why he was a little worried, especially now, when he was sitting here with a dazed look on his face. 

" ..Huh? S.Sorry I.I was.." He stuttered, and just stopped speaking, while still staring back at him, looking confused.

" Even, are you sure you're ok? Maybe you should stay back here a few more days." He said.

But his suggestion was rejected right away when Even shook his head with a soft voice stuttered back in a string of broken speech.

" I.I..I just..just want to..to go out." He said, and pulled his hand out from his grip, and dropped his face into both palms.

There was definitely something wrong here. He didn't know what was happening, but he didn't feel confident enough about Even leaving the hospital today. As much as he wanted Even out of here, he was afraid if something happened and Even didn't get his treatment he much needed in time, what would happen? 

Isak slowly pulled his hands out to reveal that pair of blues, and held them within his warm palm once again, while his other arm just slipped behind his back and pulled him in. He could feel how fragile this body he held was, and he never thought of any other options except pulling him in even closer.

" Even..you know you're not well right now. I know you know it.." He said in a gentle voice, and stopped at that. He just wanted to make sure Even received his message well, and he took this silence as a sign that he acknowledged that. 

" Don't you think maybe you wanna stay here a few more days..just to make sure that..." He said, but was interrupted by a voice calling from a pharmacy counter.

" Mr. Næsheim." 

But it was as if he didn't hear, or chose not to hear, or something clouded over him that made him kept his gaze at those hands on his lap.

" Mr.Næsheim... Mr.Even Bech Næsheim." The pharmacist called him again.

" Even, she's calling you." He said.

Isak squeezed his hands tighter in order to bring him back to this moment, and quickly enough, his startled eyes gazed back at him. 

" Even, she's calling you, didn't you hear?" He said, and pointed towards the direction. 

" ..ok, I.I.." Even tried to form some words but his vocabulary seemed to be limited at this moment, and it made Isak feel increasingly frustrated. He was almost certain Even might not last the day beyond the door.

" I'll go get the medication for you." 

He got up and headed towards the counter while still trying to figure out what was going on inside that brain or that heart. All he knew was, he would feel better if Even stayed back here, surrounded by doctors, but he couldn't just readmit him back without his consent either. He sighed quietly to himself.

Once he was at the counter, the pharmacist started to explain in detail about each medication and when to take it, even though it was printed very clearly on the package itself. But he was also informed by another staff that Even needed to come back here again every three days for check up before the surgery. 

The minute he walked back and sat down, Even just snatched the medication bag from his hand without spoken a word and searched frantically for some particular pill, and immediately swallowed it down his throat and closed his eyes. Isak took a quick glance at the box, and found out that it was for anxiety. 

He didn't know why Even felt anxious, but he was not going to think further because right now he just wanted to wrap his arms around him and protected him from..himself. And though he knew it was not the time to feel this way, but he couldn't help but felt the heat rushing up and stayed on his cheeks when he felt his breath right between his neck and his collarbone. _How could he not blush at that?_ Even was openly, willingly and almost immediately rested his head on his shoulder. Isak cuddled his hair gently, and carefully made sure not to do damage to that still healing wound on his forehead.

But as of this moment, after almost twenty minutes in this position, that pill Even took had created magic, as his breathing was slower and not as hard as a while back. It gave him some sort of relieve, and he heard Even said,

" I.I want to go home." 

His voice was soft and low, almost like a whisper. Seconds later, he heard a sniffle, and he immediately gazed down and lifted his chin up. He stroked his cheek gently, and heard Even said it again,

" Isak, I want to go home."

That pitiful looking pair of eyes staring right back at him. Seemed like Even had many tactics up his sleeve, and again, it worked. Isak nodded and said,

"Ok, but.."

He was thinking since he was on leave from his practice, and Mikael would spend most of the time at the cafe, maybe Even should stay with him until..he was thinking, _indefinite_ period of time. He shook his head and brought himself back to the present. He could ask Mikael or Kris to drop some of his clothes and belongings at his place. He could also take a longer leave and just spend time with him. He nodded secretly with his plan and gazed back at him again.

"..but would you..." He paused and cleared his throat, "..I'll feel better if you stay at my place for you know..until the surgery's done." He said, and pressed his lips tight, and smiled at him.

He was thinking, whatever he had suggested, only meant that Even was going to stay with him all they way from now on, since Even had already agreed to move in after the surgery was done. And maybe today was his day, because Even nodded within three seconds.

" Really? You..you will?" He asked.

His reply took him by surprise. He was almost one hundred percent positive that Even would say _No._ And it made him wonder for a bit if this was really Even he was sitting with and talking to. He took a quick peek at him again. Even looked so drained and tired, and he looked so eager to leave this place. But who would want to stay here anyway? _Perhaps_ , Even didn't care where he spent his nights after all, as long as he was out of here. 

Isak stopped wasting time thinking and straight away called Mikael to let him know. And today was definitely his day, as Mikael didn't object him, and actually thought it was a good idea. He had also agreed to pack up his things and sent them over after work.

And maybe he was a little too desparate when he asked Mikael to pack as many of his stuffs and brought them over, but he couldn't care. He just wanted his belongings right in his apartment as a guarantee, in case Even had a change of heart after the surgery.

But before Mikael hung up the phone, he did mention that Even might feel a little too up or too down before the surgery, and might spend most of his time draining himself out on the bed. And Mikael wasn't joking around.

Day after day, even though Even looked cheery at times, most of the time he just lay in bed, barely wanted to go out for a walk with him, and his appetite seemed to decrease dramatically. And it worried him when most nights, Even just woke up and sat on the bed huddling himself because he couldn't breathe well when he lay down for too long. 

And this night was no different. Isak hurriedly put an arm around him and let him rest his head on his shoulder.

" Even? Do you want your medication now?" He asked in a soft voice.

He reached out for a small bottle from the side table and sprayed it under his tongue, of which supposed to be a quick fix for his narrowed arteries. 

" Better?" He asked after almost twenty minutes past.

Even nodded, and Isak gently lay him back down on the pillow and covered him with the blanket, while he lay on his side, propping his head up on an elbow, gazing down at him, and reached his hand out to brush a gentle stroke on his cheek. But Even suddenly grabbed his hand and pulled it down from touching his face, however, he still kept his hand in his cold and clammy palm and said,

" I'm sorry Isak, I didn't mean to wake you up." 

He never liked how Even kept apologising to him. And it didn't make him feel any better when he saw Even dropped his gaze and chose to stare emptily to the blanket, with tears glistening down his cheeks. 

" I'm really sorry." Even apologised again.

Isak gently lifted his chin up, and wiped that stain off his cheeks.

" Stop saying this, Even. I don't want to hear it. If you say it again, I will..I will do this!" He said, and planted a soft kiss on his lips. 

_It worked!_ Even stopped apologising right away, but he didn't feel happy at all. Not one bit. It felt like he was punishing himself. This was the worst punishment he ever gave, _ever_. He sighed silently to himself. But again, _di_ _dn't Even like his kiss?_ He was pretty confident he was a very good kisser. He looked back at him, but found Even already fell asleep. 

Isak moved a little closer and caressed his cheek. He didn't mean to wake him up but Even suddenly fluttered his eyes opened and said,

" You should sleep."

" I will, very soon..Just sleep, Even."

He smiled quietly when it took just under ten seconds for Even to fall back into sleep again. He kept on studying every detail on his face, and felt his eyebrow wiggled just a tiny bit when he pressed another gentle kiss next to his almost healed wound, before he reached out to turn the light off.

......................................

As surgery day was drawing nearer, frustration ran all over his face while the actual person who would be under the knife looked really calm. But he noticed that Even was breathing a little too quick these past few days, however, that didn't stop the occasional smiles from his face.  
  
He knew tomorrow would be Even's last check up visit before the surgery which would follow in just a few days. He gazed at the person lying on the bed.

" Even, are you scared of the surgery?" 

Even shook his head _No_ , and grabbed his hand and placed it on his chest, right where the future incision supposed to be.

" My heart is like a car." He said, and smirked a little.

" Huh?" 

He was a little confused while looking down at his own hand on his chest. A car and a heart? He shook his head silently. _No._ He didn't get it. He didn't know what sarcastic joke Even was going to pull now. So far, he liked none of them, especially when Even made jokes about himself.

" Well, you know? like a car..sometimes it needs servicing, and .." He paused, and took a deep breath, "..and sometimes when you can't service that part anymore, I guess, you just..you just kinda have to change it." He said, and giggled slightly.

Isak shook his head and wondered what had been filled up inside that brain all along. 

" Seriously? Even!" He raised his voice just a tiny bit. It amazed him how Even took it rather well. But his voice softened again and asked, 

" Still want to make joke at this kind of thing? You're really not scared?" 

Even kept quiet for a minute. But a minute after, tears started to brim on those eyes that were staring right back at him.

"..and what can I do, Isak?" 

It felt like a question and a statement. He had no answer. Even was right. What could he do beside making fun about it. Isak shook his head,

" No, I guess not." He replied in a low voice, feeling bad about it.

But Isak thought of something and raised his eyebrow. He got out of bed, grabbed a small box from the closet, and came back within a minute. He placed it on the bed, turned around and helped Even sat back up. 

" Even, just lean back." He said, after fluffed up the pillow and put it against the wall.

" What is it?" He asked, looking curious.

Isak carefully opened the box, and took out his most prized possession. 

" Here." He said, and carefully helped wear it over his neck.

" Isak, wh.what's this for?" Even asked. He held up the bronze medal that he now had it around his neck.

" It's the first medal I received...and.. Even, I. I want you to keep it." He said, and placed his hand on the side of his cheek. He drew himself closer and pressed a soft kiss on his lips.

" Isak..I.I can't! It's yours." He said, and wanted to take it out from his neck, but Isak grabbed his hand and stopped him.

" Even... I would want it back, but now I..I want you to keep it." 

Even raised his brow and gazed back at him.

" You know I'm practically going to be living here right?" He asked.

Isak nodded and smiled, it seemed Even knew that he would most likely be living here all the way from now on, considering most of his stuffs already showed their spirits here.

".. and?"

" And if I have to keep it, it will be somewhere in this apartment anyway, so what's the point. Why don't you just take it back now?" He asked, looking confused.

" Then just hide it somewhere, I'm not gonna search for it, I swear. But..but my point is, I. I want you to give it back to me after the surgery." 

" Isak.."

" Promise me you'll give it back to me." He said, and gazed intently and steadily into his eyes, while brushing a thumb on his cheek.

Even didn't say anything back to him, but returned him with a small smile. And he blushed, when Even drew himself closer and brushed his soft lips on his cheek.

" Even.." He whispered

Isak gazed at him for a split second before he placed his strong hand behind his head, and slowly guided him to lie back down on the bed once again. He put another hand and cupped the side of his face, and gently but passionately deepen his kiss further and beyond those beautiful lips. But suddenly he felt liquid on the side of his thumb. He pulled his head back a little, and heard Even suddenly said with tears in his eyes.

" Thank you for loving me, Isak." 

He had no words to reply. And up til now, he just realised how contagious Even and his tears could be, as he found himself having to blink some away. He reached out his hands and swept those tears off his cheeks with his thumbs. He leaned down and planted another kiss on his forehead, and heard a soft spoken voice said,

" Isak..I.I'm not good with words, but.. just in case, I. I want you to know that I..I love.." 

But he didn't let Even say the words he so wanted to hear, as he immediately pressed his warm kiss on those lips again, and pulled his head back a little and said,

" I love you first..." He paused, " I. I want you to say what you're planning to say but ..I want you to keep those words until after the surgery."

" Isak." He said, and gazed up at him.

" You'll say it to me after the surgery, right?"

" But..what if.." He said, and dropped his gaze. But Isak lifted his chin up to face him.

" Even..You have to say it to me." He said, and gazed directly into his soul.

Even kept quiet for a second, but he nodded slightly in the end. And though it didn't look that convincing, but he would take it as a promise for now.

" Seems like you owe me two things now." He said, and smiled at him.

" I do?" 

" Yes, you do."

Isak lay on his side, propping up on an elbow, and slid his other arm across his body. He saw Even held the medal up and gently ran his thumb over the imprint, and he decided to ask,

" Do you have anything like this? I mean things that mean something to you?"

Even avoided his gaze and stared to the closet. The minute he nodded, it got him curious..so curious,

" What is it?" He asked, but Even gazed back at him and shook his head.

" You're not gonna tell me? That's not fair!" He said, a little not happy. 

He roamed his eyes around the room and thought that, with all the trophies and medals he had on the shelves, he loved this medal the most, because it was the first medal he received from his swimming profession. He smiled silently to himself thinking of the feeling when he held it in his hand. He looked at the bronze that was now on Even, and gazed at him once again. It seemed Even wasn't going to tell him.

" Really, Even? You're really not going to tell me?" 

Even shook his head _No._ " I guess, it's..nothing compared to what you have." He smiled shyly.

 _Ok._ Someone must do something with that smile. It was too hypnotizing. It was too intimidating, and it made him weak. Isak stole a glance at him once more but saw him shaking slightly.

" Cold?" 

Even nodded, " Just a little."

He immediately pulled the blanket up and tucked it under his chin, and held him closer to his own body. He felt his warm breath on his chest and he smiled quietly. _This_ _moment right here_ , it gave him comfort. He loved holding him and hugging him. He giggled slightly when he felt the ticklish feeling from his messy hair under his chin. And maybe Even noticed, as he gazed up and asked,

" Sorry, does it bother you?"

" Nah.." he shook his head, "..it'll bother me more if it doesn't bother me ." 

And he saw Even dropped his eyelids and blushed a little. Isak had no choice with his reaction beside pushed his head in and let his face buried into his warm chest.

.......................

It took quite a while for Even to get ready for his final check up. He was a little slow today. Isak looked at his phone while having brunch Even made. He savoured every bits down his throat, followed by an extra large mug of coffee. Like having a gourmet cafe meal at home. He smiled and looked at the time again. They were going to be late if they didn't catch that bus in fifteen minutes.

" Even!" He called out a little louder, in case Even didn't hear him, but he heard a soft voice coming out of the bedroom in response " Ok."

Minutes past, but still, Even had not yet showed his presence in the living room, " Even." He called him again while walking towards the bedroom. But this time, it was quiet, no sound, no response, and he immediately paced up to the room and opened the door, and found Even crouching down, with a hand pressed tightly against his chest. His eyes were shut tight in pain. Isak hurriedly walked in and leveled down. He wrapped an arm around his back, while his other hand placed on a side of his cheek.

" Even?" 

" Even? Are you ok?" 

He shook his head _No_

" Isak..My..my chest really hurts" He said in a quavering voice, with tears lined his eyes.

" I.I'll call an ambulance!! just hang on."

His heart was pounding in frustration, and he immediately went to the kitchen, grabbed his phone and made a call. He quickly ran back to the room but found Even already huddled himself on the floor. Isak helped him to sit back up and hugged him tightly, and he didn't even know since when tears were spilling through his voice.

" ....Even, just hang on a little longer ok? ......They'll be here soon."

He felt so powerless because he couldn't do anything to alleviate his pain. All he could give was his warm hug right here. He took one of his hands and held it tightly, until a buzzer rang up to his unit,

" Even, I'll be right back!" and he ran to press the button and opened his main door widely to let the paramedics know.

Isak ran back to the room, put his arms around him and let his head fell on his shoulder. 

" Hang on, Even..please..hang on." He said, while holding his hand.

Even was breathing hard. He could hear his breath was really short and quick, and his chest was moving way way too fast.

" Even, they're coming up, you'll be ok, just hang on a minute more." 

But within seconds, Even just said in a very soft voice that barely reached his ears,

" Isak..", and his hand that gripped on his own chest just dropped to the floor, at the same time his body fully slumped over against him. 

" Even?"

" Even!"

" Even!"

Isak immediately lay him down on the floor, and placed a hand on his cheek and kept rubbing it.

" Stay with me, Even..don't close your eyes..please, just stay with me." He said, almost begging.

He saw Even stared blankly back at him. His chest that was moving too fast seconds ago just slowed down, and seconds later, his eyes slowly closed, with the last trace of tears falling down the side of his cheek.

He could no longer hear him breathe, nor could he see his chest moving. It was just silence that filled the room. He stared shockingly for a second. He could still remember clearly in his head when Even smiled and laughed at him for trying to cook breakfast. He could still hear his voice ringing in his ears saying how he didn't do justice to the eggs because he kept burning them. But the moment was shattered as he faced reality right in front of him. He was going to lose him forever if he didn't do something. Isak immediately reached out both of his trembling hands and shook his face slightly.

" No.. Even.. Don't..don't do this to me!" 

He hurriedly did the only thing he knew how, and started to press down right in the middle of his chest with the heels of his palms on top each other. He knew he had to do this before paramedics reached his floor. 

" Even! please..please..breathe..just breathe! " He shouted with tears in his voice while kept pressing down his chest until he heard the sound of his ribs breaking, but Even didn't respond nor move. He just lay there, lifeless, right in front of his eyes, until three paramedics walked in with a stretcher.

" We'll take over from now." One of them said.

" I.I can't, I need to do this, he..he's not breathing..I have to do this." He said, and kept sobbing.

" You need to step away and let us help, sir." 

But his two hands just kept on compressing his chest, didn't want to let go, until a fourth voice entering the room.

" Step away, Isak!" 

Isak looked up, _Kris_.

And for some reason, he willingly backed his hands away from Even and let the paramedics take over.

He saw them injected Even with two shots of something, and an IV was immediately administered into his forearm, with another person inserted something inside his mouth and kept pressing on the bag. 

It was the longest three minutes he ever felt in his life, until he heard one of them said, " We've got a pulse!" 

Although Even was still unconscious, his chest was moving again, and that was enough. Isak hurriedly grabbed his hand briefly again before he had to give space for the paramedics to do their job.

" I'll let Mikael know." Kris said, and hurriedly went down with the rest of them. Isak quickly followed behind and got on the ambulance.

..............

And after two hours of pacing back and forth at the waiting area, he and Mikael immediately rushed to the surgeon who just walked out of the room, and gave them the news that they had to close him back up because Even was too weak and his pulse was too unstable. It would be too risky to continue with the procedure. And he would be put under critical care for a day until he was stable enough to proceed with the surgery. 

" Can we see him?" Mikael asked.

The surgeon nodded but he only allowed ten minutes outside the glass partition with only one person at a time. 

Isak quietly walked inside the area following a nurse after Mikael came out. He stopped and placed his hand on the glass panel once he saw the frail body lying motionless on the bed, with ventilator covering his mouth and nose. He glanced into that room. Many machines were switched on, with numbers of wires linked to his body. He kept staring to that body and felt as if his heart was failing together with him. 

" I'm sorry but visit time is up, Mr.Valtersen."

He closed his eyes again once the voice reached his ears. He was a little unhappy. It was too soon. How could the time be so short when he wanted it to be longer? He swallowed the unhappiness down his stomach and turned around. It was the surgeon staring back at him,

" You should go home and rest. We'll contact you once everything is done."

" He's going to be ok, right? You.You will save him right?" 

But the surgeon didn't promise anything beside, " We'll take care of him."

Isak reached home and went straight to the room. He lay down on his side of the bed and kept looking at the creases of the pillow and the bedsheet where Even had slept on. He rubbed that side of the bed gently, with tears streamed down his eyes voluntarily, and he whispered softly,

_" You still owe me, Even."_

He nudged his hand under that pillow, and felt a cold piece of metal plate. As he slowly pulled it out, it was his medal, hiding right under the pillow, and he started to sob. _"That's so lame, Even. Is this where you're hiding it?You're supposed to hide it somewhere where I couldn't find ",_ and hurriedly tucked it back in, deep under the pillow. 

  
He closed his eyes and let darkness took over, until the phone vibrated and rang, that he immediately jumped out of his slumber. His shaky hand was reaching out to the phone. He never felt so scared of phone call before in his life. He stared to the 'hang up' and 'pick up' symbol on the screen, and decided to touch the button, " H.Hello?"

Tears ran down his eyes after the conversation was over. He lay back down on his side and placed his hand on the other side of the bed again. _" Thank you. Even "_ he said softly, and curved up his mouth into a faint smile.

The surgeon said that the surgery was done successfully, but Even was still in a state that needed critical care. And he would only be allowed to see him the following day as Mikael already took today's visiting hour. He sighed quietly, but curved up his mouth into a small smile. At least, Even was still here. He still kept his promise, and that was the only thing that mattered to him.

......................

It had been two days of not seeing, and not hearing his voice. And he couldn't wait to touch him again. And finally, today had arrived. It was his turn now. He did call Mikael and complained a little but it wasn't his fault either since Mikael was the point of contact. Isak reminded himself to up his rank at the hospital once he reached. 

He opened the closet and tried to find loose clothes for Even to wear on the day he was able to come home. The surgeon mentioned that Even would have to stay in the hospital for a little over a week before he could go home. But that news didn't bother him, as long as Even came home, everything was going to be alright. And he couldn't wait to have him back to create new creases on the bed _._ He looked back to that particular side of the bed and smiled.

He glanced around the limited clothes Even had, and his eyes dropped on an old wooden box, a little smaller than a shoe box, at the corner of one of the shelves on Even's side. He had the urge to take the rectangular box out, _and he did_. It had scratches with some parts of the wood already chipped out. It was definitely Even's, when he saw his name, hand printed on it. The corners were secured by unevenly positioned of tiny small nails, and some didn't even go all the way in. He thought that Even might actually made the box himself. It looked simple, it looked hand made. 

He sat down right in front of the closet with his legs crossed, and put the box down right in front of him. He wanted to know what was in it. _It must be filled_ _with things that were closed to his heart._ It must be something important enough for Even to keep it in here, _or maybe not_. He shook his head slightly. Even and his weird mind, maybe it was filled with coins or stamps or something. _To open or not to open_. His good, his bad, and his ugly were fighting in his head. He didn't know which one won, but he gave himself a slight nod, and lifted the cover off. He was too curious and he needed to find out. He wanted to know every single detail in his life. Just a quick look wouldn't hurt. Besides, they're boyfriends, and Even was his. And if Even was his, then Even's belongings were his too, _right?_

For now, he chose to put this belief in his head and ran his fingers through them. Looked like just old photos of him and Mikael. Some were possibly taken at his old house or Mikael's house, he didn't know for sure. Some were taken at the shelter. There were also old letters Mikael wrote him while he was there, according to the name and address on the envelopes, but Isak was going to be a good person for now. He was not planning to pry opened and read it. _Well_ , perhaps someday with his permission, he thought.

As he looked through, he couldn't help but felt a little jealous. Maybe they should have more pictures taken together, it might deserve a spot in here, _but_..Isak immediately smiled when he found one. It was when they made the ugly snowman together. As he ran his hands through to the bottom of the box, he found a few weird looking rocks, an old key chain, two old pencils, and a few dried leaves? But they lay neatly inside each clear plastic photo bag with sticky tape labelling where he collected it from. _Right_ , Even was definitely one kind of a collector. 

His eyes glanced through all the bags but dropped on one particular label. This leaf was from the horse farm they went together. He smiled a little thinking of his so-called first date with Even. And as his hands and his eyes snooped around in the box, he stopped and gently took out the small papers. They were receipts and tickets, and his gaze soon became blurred, with warm moisture slowly burned down his cheeks. There was a coach ticket to the horse farm, tickets to enter the stupid game, ticket to enter the swimming competition, and useless receipts of the places they had meals and ice-creams together. These were easily passed as junks and rubbish so _"..why are you keeping these, Even?"_ He whispered. 

Isak stayed silent for a few minutes and only let an occasional suppressed sniffle filled the room. He might actually have a place in there after all. He carefully placed them back and closed the cover. 

His hand ran gently over the box one more time before he put it back on the shelf. The only thing he wanted to do right now was to be there, to look into those blue eyes, and to feel his lips once again.

But his to do list was not fully completed. He gazed at the face with an oxygen tube that went into his nose and a breathing ventilator over his mouth. The surgeon said he had to be under critical care for one or maybe two more days as he was still unable to breathe on his own.

Isak took a few quiet steps and stood by the side of the bed. Tears ran down uncontrollably on his cheeks once he held that hand. He thought that he wouldn't be able to hold this hand again when he saw his life was slipping away in front of his eyes. He gently and carefully planted a soft kiss on it while roaming his eyes over the figure. His body was attached to so many monitoring equipment. He could see a tube that filled with reds, and he didn't know if the liquid was supposed to go in or come out, but he knew it was directly for his heart from where it went, under the thin fabric he wore. He didn't think he would be able to get used to this, seeing him like this, but he knew he had to. Because this was Even and the package that came with him.

He saw the nurse walked in and out once in a while to move his body slightly. Sometimes, the nurse came to look at the monitor, and sometimes, he or she came in to administer something into the tubes.

Isak just sat on a chair by the bed, and fell into sleep while still holding his hand. He didn't know how long he'd been sleeping, but woke up when he felt a slight hand movement. He immediately stood up, leaned forward, and wiped away something that wanted to burn down from his eyes. But this time, his tears were different, as he turned up the corner of his lips into a gentle smile once he saw Even slowly came around.

" Hi Even" He whispered.


	17. Chapter 17

_'Hi Even'_

Words gently brushed against his ears the moment his eyes tried to welcome back the light, but he could only manage to look through his lashes.

_" Even"_

He tried to open his eyes again in search for the owner of this voice, but the brightness of the surrounding was too much for him to keep them open. 

_" Even "_

And after many tries, his eyes finally allow him to stare vacantly back at the figure standing so close to him for a few seconds. Within those seconds, he heard the same name being called over and over again, but he didn't know who this person was, or who Even was. His body was here, his soul was almost here, but his mind wasn't. He didn't feel like this body was his, for he could not feel anything.

 _" Even.."_ And that was the last word he heard before darkness took over his sight.

After a long while, his eyes fluttered open yet again. It was still the same scene, same loomy feeling, and same person that called out the same name in that same soft and gentle voice.

_" Even."_

He stared blankly back at him again, but this time he saw the person reached out his hand and gently caressed his hair, and the face was drawing nearer that he had to close his eyes again. He felt something soft and warm on his forehead and wanted to look back at the source of that heat, but he felt too drowsy and too exhausted. His eyelids felt too heavy to stay open, as he gave in and let the light absent from his eyes once more.

This time when he opened his eyes, he felt something. Something that had a weight over his mouth, something that felt a lot lighter in his nose.

 _" Even"_

The same name that reached his ears everytime he opened his eyes. But the voice sounded different. He took a quick weak glance at the person. This person had a darker and longer hair. But he looked as kind, though his eyes didn't look as teary. He wanted to close his eyes again but..

_" Even, can you hear me?"_

Longer words this time. He looked back at the person and immediately saw those lips broaden into a small smile. But it wasn't for long that his eyes felt too heavy to stay awake, that he had to allow them to cut him off from the world again.

It felt like days had passed when he finally felt someone shook him and called,

_" Mr.Næsheim...Mr.Næsheim..can you hear me?"_

His eyes moved slightly by the touch on his shoulder. And as he blinked them open, he could feel senses slowly came back to his body. His mouth felt lighter. He no longer had the uncomfortable weight over it, though his throat was a little sore. However the tube that was in his nose was still pretty much there. He looked at his right and saw the familiar pair of teary eyes again, but this time he knew who the person was, _didn't he_. 

As he looked to his left, a familiar acquaintance in the white gown was standing and smiling gently at him. The man adjusted the head section slightly upward and shined the small torch light into his eyes, but he didn't blink and he didn't know why. The person then turned to look at a few monitors before facing him again. 

" You have a slight fever. I'll give some medication through the IV. It will make you feel better." 

_What was he talking about?_ He stared blankly back at him for a second. But as his eyes finally had a moment to glance around the room, his mouth started to quiver. He looked down at his own body and saw an IV on one side of his forearm, and there was another one that administered into another side of his hand. As he gazed down, he saw familiar tubes and wires that directed to that part, and he knew right away what they were, where that particular tube went, and where it pierced and connected to. It only took seconds that he realised what had been done to him _again._

Even started to breathe harder and he felt a grip on his hand and a voice calling him.

" Even..Even..calm down, just calm down." 

He gazed up at him..?... _..Isak?_ As soon as he remembered Isak and who he himself was, moments and pictures started to flash back into his mind in sequence. And the last thing he remembered seeing was.. _Isak,_ right by his side. Until now, Isak was still here, but right now he was too scared and too anxious to calm down. He never got use to this no matter how many times he had to go through. He knew what feelings would follow after the anesthesia worn off.

" Even, please calm down..please."

He knew what Isak wanted, but he couldn't control himself from acting this way. He knew how quick his breath was, but he couldn't stop it. Soon enough, another hand was felt on his shoulder and he heard the doctor calling someone to come in. The minute he thought that he had had enough and about to pass out, someone walked in and injected something into his forearm. Within seconds, he felt relaxed right away, but it also made him feel really tired and sleepy that his eyes willingly closed once more.

He didn't know how many hours or how many days had passed, but when his eyes flashed open this time, he felt calmer. Maybe it was because he knew that this surgery was over. _He still existed. He still lived._

He gazed down when he felt warm breath brushed lightly on his hand. _Isak_. Isak was sleeping while having his warm palm placed on top of his hand. He could still see dried up tears on his cheek. Isak, the one who always looked confident and proud. The one who talked openly, acted openly, and never seemed to be afraid of anything, was right here, holding his hand, crying for him. _Was he that important to Isak?_

He wanted to reach out his other hand and touch him, but his arm and his shoulder was so sore that he gasped in pain, and it woke him up almost instantly.

" Even!" He called out his name and jumped out of the chair.

Isak's super fast reaction startled him a little. He saw Isak leaned forward from the side of the bed and carefully and gently pushed his shoulder back to lay against the bed.

" Don't move, Even, just..just rest." He said.

Isak roamed his eyes around all the tubes and wires, and adjusted them like he was in the profession himself, before he gazed back at him and cupped the sides of his neck with both hands and brushed his thumbs along his cheeks.

He knew he might not look the part right now, but he didn't think it was that bad that it made Isak have to keep on staring back at him this way. Isak didn't even blink nor move, he just gazed right at him. Even felt the need to try and say something to break away this uncomfortable gaze, for it was a little too long. 

Alhough he knew his voice might come out like a wind, soft, dry, and hoarse, he decided to say something anyway. Something that didn't require much effort, short and simple.

".. I.Isak."

And the minute he said his name, Isak just stared at him with tears in his eyes. Perhaps, he shouldn't say anything at all. Did he do something wrong? Or did these things on his body bother him? Even glanced up at him again, but saw Isak just leaned forward and pressed warm lips on his forehead, then at a side of his cheek, and ended up on his lips. And though Isak didn't invade his territory, still, its strength never faltered. 

" I have missed you, Even." He said, with his thumb brushed gently on his lips.

" Isak.."

" And it's weird how I still miss you even you're right here in front of me." 

He could only stare back at him, unable to say anything more. He wanted to fully absorb all those words but his brain was still lazy, and it kept telling him to sleep and recuperate. As Isak gazed intently into his eyes and leaned forward, he knew what was coming again right away. _Another kiss perhaps?_

He thought it wasn't a bad idea after all, to wake up from surgery and met with a pair of soft and warm lips. And as much as he wanted to close his eyes and fall back into another sleep, he could hang on for a few more seconds to finish what Isak had started. However, he felt a little exposed in this room, Even weakly glanced up to the glass partition. 

Beyond the panel, he saw two female nurses and a male nurse were standing at the counter and smiling right at them, but immediately looked away once they met his eyes. If this was someone else, they probably wouldn't care. Unfortunately, this person right here was _Isak_ of national swim team, while he was...he was _Even of nobody._ Even sighed silently and wished they moved him out from this room really soon. He knew he should be flattered at how Isak gave him much love and much affection publicly, but he still felt uncomfortable. He didn't feel the need to tell the whole world how together they really were. Besides, no matter how much he tried to think differently, there would always be a part of him saying that he wasn't good enough.

But regardless to his silent opinion towards public display, the fingers that slid through his hair before they came to a stop and caressed his earlobe, had deleted everything in his brain, including the three nurses outside. Isak was leaning forward again, and he was so ready to close his eyes and welcome the warm lips on his mouth, but when he heard a knock on the glass panel, he was very certain that the incoming warm feeling was about to be replaced by the whip of cold air. Even immediately opened his eyes. But daring enough, it seemed his lips weren't left to shiver, as Isak didn't care who was about to walk in at all, the kiss was still pretty much in progress. He couldn't push Isak away nor move his face out of that strong hand. His arms, his shouders, his chest, and all the way down to the tip of his toe were still very weak, and he had no other choice, beside submitting into this pair of lips in front of..he took a quick glance...in front of his surgeon. _Great_. 

Isak was still kissing him with his eyes closed, and he knew he should do the same as a good gesture, but he couldn't help but opened his eyes just a tiny bit and took a really quick peek at the surgeon standing and waiting for _this_..this to end. Quickly enough, the show was over and he saw Isak finally turned to look at the person, unembarrassed.

" Am I interrupting?" The surgeon asked.

 _'Yes, you are._.' That was what he had on his mind right now. There must be some protocol here about interrupting this actvity. But he chose to be polite and shook his head _No,_ while he saw Isak blushed a little and nodded his head _Yes_ , and smiled slightly back at him.

" Yes, a little, but..is there anything wrong with him? I mean ..Is.Is he ok?" 

Isak turned around and grabbed his hand right away. But apparrently, the surgeon was just here to check on him and informed him that he would need to stay in this exposed room one more day. He nodded slightly and felt the need to rest his eyes from the light again. But before he let himself to completely drift away, Isak kissed him again on his eyelid, and he heard him whisper "I love you, Even."

...............

Days had passed, and finally he was allowed to leave this prison and recover from the comfort.. _or not so much comfort_ of his new home instead. It might take some times for him to get used to his new apartment right here with Isak. 

Isak had decided to take longer leave to help him getting around these few weeks, of which he felt grateful for. He was quite embarrassed that he could not even put on clothes by himself, as it was still too painful to lift his arms. Two of his ribs were broken by Isak, and his chestbone was cut through by his surgeon. And he knew the road to recovery would take months before he felt less crappy. He could only wish his heart gave him a break before it decided to act funny again. 

Nonetheless, all these broken bones didn't bother him much. He knew they were just trying to help. But the thing that was about to bother him soon was the fact that, instead of Mikael who would be the one to help him, it was going to be Isak this time round, to help him shower this first week, and he didn't know how to feel about it. 

He knew how Isak felt about it, from the width of his smile when the surgeon mentioned about the shower ritual, and he had to admit his smile scared him, for he didn't know what Isak was thinking at that time.

Even glanced through his clothes and picked the most comfortable ones for tonight. Just a sweat pants and a white T shirt would do. He took out the special sterile soap from the medication bag and sighed. The task of taking off his shirt was going to be the painful one. His shoulders, his arms, down right to the middle of his chest were so achy. The numbing pain was the thing he hated the most.

Even decided to save some energy and sat on the edge of the bed. He looked down to the long sleeve Tshirt he wore, and smiled a little. At least, Isak chose the biggest one he had. But still, squeezing his arms out of it was going to spell _pain_. He sighed quietly. But suddenly, footsteps scratched on his ears from outside the room, before the owner showed himself.

" Ready?" 

" Huh?" 

He avoided the gaze. He thought he could just sneak into the bathroom by himself and suffocated there alone. But it seemed Isak didn't let him out of his sight. _Why did this apartment have to be so small?_

Isak walked closer, and slowly yet carefully helped took off his shirt one arm at a time. He felt like a total useless mess in front of the guy standing right in front of him. He winced a little at a slight discomfort he felt on his chest.

" I'm sorry Even, you ok?" He said and gently rubbed the side of his neck.

" Y.Yes, I'm ok." He said, and hurriedly looked down to the shirt Isak was wearing.

" I.I'll help you shower."

 _Shower??!!_ Isak didn't forget after all. Even breathed the biggest nerve he could find into his lung and said,

" I.Isak..May.Maybe I.I can try to sh.shower on..." _my own._

A warm pair of lips was planted on his forehead before he could finish stammering, then Isak just grabbed his arms and slowly helped him up. 

" Even, seriously? Still wanna act tough? Didn't the doctor say I should help you?"

And it was the question that Isak probably didn't want him to answer, as he immediately grabbed both his hands and walked backward, leading him to the room next door. And he thought, from the way Isak gazed at him and walked against human nature without tripping over, _was he walking into a lion's den?_

The minute they entered that cold chilly area, he started to shake slightly. He saw Isak just took off all his clothes.. _All his clothes._ while he himself still had his pants on as a safety comfort. Didn't he feel uncomfortable at all? But again, Isak was a swimmer, he probably saw more than enough of _that_..Even shook away whatever he was about to think and kept his face as straight as possible. And once he glanced back at him, he saw Isak looked at his bottom half and asked,

" Do you need help taking it off?" Isak threw this question at him carelessly as if it was nothing, and walked nearer to him.

Even took three small steps back and could sense the door behind him. He closed his eyes briefly and tried to remind himself that Isak was his boyfriend. It was going to be ok. Sooner or later, they both would see every part of each other's body anyway. Besides, There was absolutely nothing wrong with two guys getting naked together, _right_? He stole a quick glance at Isak one more time.

" It's ok, I.I can do it myself." 

And Isak made him feel like he was in a strip club when the person just chose to sit by the edge of the bathtub and looked at him. A little too exposed, he thought. The minute his pants dropped down to the cold floor, he was thinking of keeping his boxer on. But Isak might find it weird. However, it was not his fault to feel this way. He never exposed every part of his body to anyone before aside from his parents when he was very little, and Mikael who probably knew more about his body than he knew his own. He just didn't like to look at himself in the mirror, because the only things he saw were scars, be it front or back. And now, it made him anxious and scared that Isak might find him ugly. 

Even glanced down to the long sterile bandage over his chest. It was time to take it off and let it breathe in some air. He should get used to it by now, but this time the surgeon told him that it was a ten inch long incision, and he didn't know if he was ready for almost a ruler, lined in the middle of his chest. 

" Even, let me help" He said, and walked towards him.

Isak carefully peeled off the sticky edge of the dressing. He could feel the tenderness around it in every centimetre the bandage was being pulled away from his skins, and he unintentionally grabbed on his arms and squeezed them as tight as he could with the limited strength he had. But Isak didn't seem to mind, as he continued peeling it off, but this time, it was slower.

He saw Isak kept staring at his black and blue skin around the edge of the wound, with the pinkish and dark red colour of the dried up blood on the area where the stitches were. 

" I.Isak, it would heal." 

He wanted to draw his attention away from the stitches on his chest. He didn't understand why Isak had to be so obsessed about it, since it was not a pleasant sight to look at anyway. But after a brief moment, Isak finally gazed up and smiled gently at him, and helped him stepped inside the bathtub, away from the shower head.

" How about I wash your back first."

 _Good idea.._ he thought. He didn't have the nerve to stand naked face to face with him just yet. 

With the limited space they had, and the sizes combined from their two souls, he had no other choice but stood very.. very close to him. He could feel the heat radiated from another body. It felt nice actually, he thought and smiled secretly to himself. And the feeling of nice moment turned into an uncomfortably nice moment when the soft sponge and the slippery sterile soap were replaced by a hand that ran calmly all over his back. He couldn't help but felt a little hesitated with the scars he had behind, that his body shook slightly.

" Isak, my..."

But it seemed Isak knew what he was ashamed of, as he softly said,

" You're still perfect"

Even smiled meekly and silently to himself. Isak didn't mind his scars at all, and thought that _he was perfect?_ And perfect enough, when he felt a warm cheek leaned against it, at the same time arms slid from behind his waist to the front and held him close. Seconds later, a gentle kiss pressed right behind the base of his neck.

" You're really here..with me here, right?"

A soft voice touched his ears. Obviously, he was pretty much here. God didn't need his service just yet. His really long vacation had been postponed. Even gazed down and placed his hand on top of Isak's, that were hugging him from behind. 

" I'm still here." He said, and breathed out softly.

Isak turned his body around, and their eyes met again. No single word passed through the lips of either party. And it made him a little hesitated that he decided to look at the shower head instead. But Isak only gave him three seconds to study the meterial and what it made of, as he felt hands cupped both sides of his cheeks and gently pulled them down, and he was met with a warm kiss on his lips right after.

"I love you" 

A whisper so near, had sent chills through every nerve in his body. And he didn't even have time to react or say anything, that Isak pulled his face back in, and deepened the kiss, almost forcefully. It came to him like a wild storm. It was hungry, it was needy, and it was raw, as if it had been deprived for years. And it didn't stop, as Isak kept exploring it, with his hands were getting a little too active all over his back, until one of them decided to travel further down, that he had to tell him to stop. He knew, his chest could no longer take his racing heart from _this._.this whatever Isak was starving from and trying to do. Quickly enough, his response was almost immediate.

" I'm sorry, Even..I.I just really miss you."

Even calmed his own beating heart down. He giggled slightly, and smiled gently back at him. He thought that Isak didn't need to explain anything. He could feel it through that heavy breathing of his. 

" It's not like I left for a year or anything." He jokingly said.

But he had a second thought at his own words when Isak replied, " It felt like so.." and planted one more kiss on his lips.

Isak always left him speechless. He took a mental note, not to say anything when Isak still looked serious. Because now, he could only manage an awkward and shy smile back at him.

And it seemed, no matter how big this bed was, Isak really loved to invade his space, on and off his body, as he saw him moved closer, reached out his arm and cupped the side of his cheek. Even slowly closed his eyes ready to fall into sleep, but another warm kiss felt right at his forehead again, 

" Good night, Even." 

" Good night, Isak."

..................

Finally, the day that he was able to shower peacefully alone had arrived. It was not something that he was excited about, but at least they didn't waste as much water as when they showered together. Isak liked to drag the process in helping him.The ritual that he could easily get it done within five to ten minutes. He stopped to think for a moment. It was more like Isak spent too much time sliding his soapy hands on him, and he didn't know how many layers of skins had already been shedded off his body. As much as he liked the cuddle, he hated to stand for too long, it really tired him out.

" Why don't you wake me up?"

A voice reached his ears the same time the shower curtain was being pushed aside. He was a little shocked that Isak decided to open the bathroom door just like that. And he found it unnecessary for Isak to change all the door handles to the ones without locks. It seemed, Isak had been spending too much time on the phone with Mikael. Even shook his head silently.

" Um..You were still sleeping, and I think my arms are not as pain anymore."

And it was the truth. He could lift up his arms just fine as long as it didn't go above his chest. There might be a slight problem when he tried to shampoo his hair. However, years of experience had taught him to avoid hurting himself, or he already felt numb about it, he didn't know for sure. Plus, the extra strong painkiller the doctor prescribed him really did what it supposed to do. It did kill the pain in less than an hour. But whatever he said or thought, was no longer valid, as he saw Isak just took off all his clothes, stepped in to claim half of the bathtub, and squeezed out the shampoo into his own hand before helped to apply it on his hair. _Ok._ This time, he wasn't going to complain. He liked the scalp massage he gave while shampooing his hair. And at the end of each hair wash, he paused and counted to... _right on the dot,_ the warm kiss on his lips when he counted _three._

As expected, this shower took almost an hour off his life. Even looked at the wall clock in the living room. Perhaps, he could make some quick and simple breakfast, but the shiny paper caught his attention. 

" What's this?" Even asked, while looking at the brochure from the swimming association, that was left on the sofa.

Isak sat down, wrapped his arm around his shoulder, resting his cheek against his head. He took the brochure away from his hand and threw it on the floor.

" It's nothing, Even. Just an excursion trip, but I was thinking I'll probably gonna skip it." He said, and kissed his forehead.

" Is it.Is it because of me that you decided not to go?"

Even took the stoned looking face as a yes. He was definitely the reason that Isak didn't want to join the trip. He moved away from his warm arm and grabbed the paper.

" Even, it's nothing." He said 

But he was not planning to hear what Isak wanted to say. It was a one week hiking trip. It was the kind of activity that Isak loved. And he didn't want to be the reason that Isak couldn't join. He gazed back him.

" You should go, Isak." He said, and smiled slightly.

" Even, it's really nothing. They have it every half a year anyway." He said, and shrugged slightly.

He knew that face. He knew Isak wanted to go. He probably never missed this sort of outing. Even grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently. He wanted to tell him that he was going to be fine alone. But he didn't know why Isak took this gesture as something else. Isak suddenly slid an arm around his waist and gently pulled him closer, as if this two seater sofa hadn't brought them close enough. His other hand held behind his neck and he softly brushed his lips just below his ear. 

But with Isak, he knew it would not just stop at that. And he had no clue how his arm around his waist managed to slide up unnoticed under his shirt and took an excursion on his skins. He was thinking Isak must have distract him with the kiss on his neck. But early morning cuddle was not something he was looking forward to.

" Isak..we.we should.." He was only able to say broken words, as Isak kept on exploring his neck while brushing a gentle stroke on his cheek, with his other hand kept moving slowly all over his back.

" Even" He gasped.

There were a lot of things he didn't know. He didn't know how skillful Isak was, to manage not to put his own bodyweight nor pressure on his chest. And he didn't know when his head was already on the armrest of the sofa. He could hear Isak start to breathe heavier above him. The sweat that started to form on his face, as well as his pair of smoldering eyes that darted right at him said one thing, and one thing only. He would soon lose something on this uncomfortable two seater sofa where four legs already stuck out and over the other side of the armrest. He had to do something. He was not ready for this high intensity workout. Definitely not when his wound was still healing. And definitely not when..Even gazed up to the wall clock and his eyes grew big...not when Mikael and Kris were coming over!

" Isak!" He shouted.

And maybe it was a little too loud, as he saw Isak got panicked, and slid his hand under his head, and carefully supported him to sit back up right away, while his other hand kept stroking his cheek.

" What is it, Even? Are you hurt? Did I..Did I hurt you?" He asked with a panicked voice.

Even breathed out his guilt right away. He certainly shouted too loud.

" Uh..no..sorry..we should.." He was thinking, _resume this workout.._ He shook his head silently _No._ He didn't know why this activity delayed his brain and his speech. Even gobbled a large amount of air into his lung and collected himself together.

" We should..should get ready. I think they're coming."

He saw Isak sighed in relief and kissed his forehead. " God! You really know how to scare me."

He stole a quick gaze at Isak, and saw his eyes were already on him, that he had to immediately avoid, and turned his focus to the excursion trip brochure that was on the floor instead.

" You should go, Isak." 

" Huh?"

" You should join the trip, I know you want to. Just go...I'll be ok." He said, and smiled softly at him. And suddenly, Isak kissed his cheek and said,

" I'll think about it." He paused. " Anyway, what time are they coming?" 

" I think soon." 

Kris had a car. And he and Mikael were coming to fetch them to visit Mikael's parents at his hometown, _or their hometown_ to be exact. They were going to have a front yard BBQ there and Mikael's mom wanted him to come over too. He was quite reluctant to go back and see his old house again. However, Mikael told him that his father already moved away and now the house had been put up on sale. Plus, Isak so wanted to see his childhood neighbourhood. He had no other choice but agreed to the request.

And here they were, after almost four hours, Isak finally woke him up. He couldn't help but feeling embarrassed. Isak must be uncomfortable with him leaning on his shoulder three hours straight.

" Sorry, Isak..I didn't mean to.." 

But the warm and long kiss shut him up immediately. He took a quick peek and saw two pairs of eyes gazing through the rearview mirror. Mikael was smirking and winking at him, while Kris just gave him a meek smile. He put his focus back to Isak after Isak pulled his head back slightly and said,

" Stop saying sorry, Even. And..you can lean on my shoulder as long as you want" And he ended his words with another kiss.

It was a little awkward to receive kiss from Isak in front of Mikael. Came to think of it, he never kissed anyone in front of Mikael before. It felt kinda weird.

He still remembered the time when he and Mikael were still very young, just two little boys running around, and how he used to hide from his parents at Mikael's place. And now, _right here,_ still together. He never thought Mikael could stand him this long, considering how handful he could be. And there was _Isak_ , who loved him regardless.

He stole a gaze at Isak one more time, thinking, maybe he could show him the lake nearby his house. It was quiet there. They could spend some quality time together, but he wouldn't think further what sorts of activity they should do there.

Unfortunately, news traveled fast for such a small town he used to live in. His plan might come to a halt. He didn't know if it was Mikael's parents or Mikael himself, but the minute they stepped out of the vehicle, people just stormed in and gathered around the area by the footpath.

And he was pretty sure that these people were not just Mikael's relatives. He could recognise that some were his neighbours, even though they aged a little.

It must be because they knew Isak would be here. It was dead obvious when they were asking him for autographs. For now, he could only managed a smile to Mikael's parents from a distance, since he was stuck in the middle of the circle. And Isak, with his police eyes and his quick hand kept pulling him in closer everytime he took a tiny mini steps away from him.

Even sighed silently to himself. He didn't like to be surrounded by people at all. It made him extremely anxious. And after a while, he knew his limit had been reached. He decided to try and wiggle his way out one last time, or else he would just either faint here and embarrased himself, or panicked here and waiting for his asthma to come _or maybe not_ , still, he was going to embarrass himself, but it appeared Isak knew right away once he grabbed his sweaty palm when he tried to stop him from moving away.

" Even"

And just like that, Isak excused himself and led him to safety. At last, he finally had his feet on Mikael's front yard. Isak brought him to sit next to the picnic table, while he crouched down right in front of him, holding his hands.

" Better?"

He nodded, but felt twenty pair of eyes itching his nerves from across the yard.

" You should go back Isak. I think they really want your autographs." He said, and smiled back at him.

" I don't have to, you know..Why don't I just sit right here with you, and perhaps.." He reached out to the basket of bread, "..we should eat something, I'm kinda hungry." He paused, " Come to think of it, we haven't had breakfast yet." 

And Even was wondering why. If they didn't waste their time on the sofa, his stomach would be fed by now. 

As Isak about to grab a chair, voices from fans calling his name brushed on their ears. He heard Isak sighed loudly. Even reached out a bun, and passed it to him.

" Just a quick bite, and go! You don't want to spoil your image, don't you?"

Isak dropped it into his stomach in two bites, " My image is fine! But..Ok..I'll be right back." He said, and gave him a warm kiss on the forehead.

Even took a small bun from the basket and slowly chewed it down his throat. He went to talk with Mikael's parents for a while, but his focus was on the sizzling meat on the grill a few feet away. And from the look of it, it would take a while. He sighed quietly, and looked away. But as he glanced up, his eyes suddenly fell on his old house right across the street. And as much as he hated to look at it, he couldn't take his eyes away.

Even kept staring at the place. It was definitely vacant as he saw the sign had already been put up, with a few property agents stood at the front yard talking to numbers of couples. _Open house, perhaps?_ He looked around himself and saw Kris, standing awkwardly with Mikael who was still talking to his parents, while Isak was..he was still giving out autographs to some neighbours around the area. 

He knew he shouldn't, but still, it was his old house. And his father no longer lived there. Noone was waiting inside to whack him. There was no harm to just take a quick visit, _right?_ He bit his lip, looked down to the patch of grass on the ground, and decided to sneak out for a short visit.

As he stepped into the house, it smelled different. He thought. The stent of alcohol was no longer present to his nose. At least, the property agent really knew how to spruce up the place. He smiled quietly to himself.

Even jumped a little when an agent appeared out of nowhere and gave him a smile before handed him the business card. He took it as a gesture, but he knew it would be tossed away as soon as he was out of here. 

Even slowly walked upstairs, and as he entered his old room, he immediately ran his fingers on his old drawings on the wall and smiled a little. He used to love drawing, one of his passions before it came to an abrupt end once he moved to the shelter. As he gazed out the window, he saw Mikael was laughing with Kris from across the street, while still talking to his parents. He could still see Mikael's room from here, and he giggled slightly. And there.. _Isak_. He was looking around searching for something. Could it be that Isak was looking for him? He smiled a little, and thought he would just take a quick look and would join him soon. 

But the smile he had on his face minutes ago diminished, and replaced by frustration that was beading on his forehead once he walked into the kitchen, with memories ran back like a fast train crashing into his brain. This was the last place he saw his father. Goosebumps appeared instantly without warning, and his body trembled slightly thinking about it.

His lips started to quiver and he immediately closed his eyes trying to brush all those words away. But those remarks were still there, swimming around inside his head. 

" Are you alright?" 

A voice asked him, with a hand grabbed on his arm that he immediately pulled himself away from that grip. 

"Leave..leave me alone." He stuttered out with quavering voice, and immediately rushed into the pantry room. 

However, the man didn't leave him alone as he opened the door and said,

" You can't stay here, sir. Where do you live? Can I call someone?"

But he was not having the right mind to process anything, and the only thing he let out, was the bursting from his lung.

" Get out! Leave me alone!...Just get out!"

He shouted and stared angrily at the person. But soon, he slowly crumbled down to the floor, his face softened, with tears spilled down his cheeks,  
  
" I'm sorry, I promise, I.I won't do it again." He said, almost inaudible, and stared emptily to the floor. 

Even huddled himself together, and winced from the discomfort on his chest, but he couldn't care and immediately closed his eyes, and buried his face to his knees.

_Why can't you act like a normal child? Why do you keep embarrasing me? Why do you always mess things up? You're not supposed to be born! Why can't I have a healthy child! Even! Come here! You need some discipline! You little freak! Come here! Even!_

Even covered his ears with both hands, rocking back and forth. He kept crying and sobbing uncontrollably until he started to wheeze, and it was getting worse with every second past, that the images of his parents inside his head were slowly replaced by white patches and spots.

As he thought he might be out of breath, and about to submit his body to the floor, vague sound reached his ears from outside the door, and suddenly warm arms came to hold him up and wrapped around him firmly.

" Even! Even! Look at me."

He slowly looked up but his body was shaking all over. _Isak._

" Even! here! ..breathe, just breathe!" He said, and pressed the asthma inhaler into his mouth.

But he could only manage once, before his strength was drawn out of him. He glanced up one more time to find Mikael, and saw Kris was walking towards him before his eyes turned blurry. He felt a needle on his arm, and within a minute, he felt more relaxed right away, and heard Isak said in a soft voice, with a warm hand felt on the side of his cheek.

" Even, I'm here..I'm here." 

He stared aimlessly to nothingness, feeling really drowsy, with tears still seeped down from the corner of his eyes, and he murmured in a low voice, " W.Why don't they love me? Why can't they love me?" And he let out a sniffle, and whispered softly, " Don't leave me, Isak."

He felt dizzy and drained, that his head fell onto his warm chest, and suddenly, he felt his body was being lifted up, away from the floor, away from this room, away from that house.

He didn't know how long or what happened, but he woke up to a calmer self and on the almost familiar bed, while lay facing to the ceiling, but felt a hand cupped the side of his neck. Even tilted his head slightly and saw Isak lying on his side, gazing at him.

" How are you feeling, Even?" 

Even kept quiet but tears slowly brimmed his eyes again. Isak gently wiped them away and drew himself closer, before he proped himself up on an elbow and leaned forward to plant a soft kiss on his lips. 

" Even? Do you wanna talk about it?"

He shook his head. _No._ There was nothing to talk about. It was better to shove it right back to the far end corner of his mind. Isak wouldn't understand, even Mikael wouldn't understand. And in fact, noone could ever understand what it felt like, to be hated and looked down by his own parents. He knew it deep in his heart, no matter how many days, months, or years flew by, that pain would still leave a shadow behind. It was inside him. It would always be inside him.

He gazed up at Isak. _Did Isak even love him? Was this relationship even real? Was he still dreaming?_ He immediately turned his face away and dropped his eyes on the door. 

" Even..look at me." He said, and gently tilted his face back.

Even had no other choice but to gaze back at him. And all he could see, was the face of the guy who worried about him, who cared about him, who loved him. He didn't know why his mind kept twisting, kept questioning, kept doubting, everytime he felt insecured.

But the one thing he knew for sure, he had embarrassed Isak in front of those people inside the house. Isak had a crazy and unstable boyfriend, that was what they would think.

" I'm.I'm sorry." and that was the only thing he managed to say for now.

" What for?" Isak asked, and stroked his cheek.

" I. I embarrassed you in front of those people." He said, and tears started to line his eyes again.

But those tears stood no chance to burn down his cheeks, as Isak immediately wiped it away, and planted a gentle kiss on his forehead.

" I really don't care what they think....I only care what you think."

Even kept quiet for a while. How could Isak always know the right thing to say? How could he always make him feel this special? Was this relationship just a dream? Even gazed back at him. He loved this person right in front of him. _Isak._ He was here, even though he could be elsewhere, swimming, practising, having fun. He paused and thought for a moment..swimming? competition? _medal? Right_ , Medal! 

As jumpy as a person he was, the sadness was immediately mopped away from his mind when another thought was trying to squeeze into his brain. He almost forgot about something. Even slowly sat up, and that caught the attention from the second party right away.

" Even, you ok?"

He gazed back at him briefly and nodded. He turned his body slightly and nudged his hand under the pillow.

" I.I forgot, I should return you this." He said, and handed him the medal.

" What?!! You hid it here all along?" 

He nodded, and smiled a little. Though Isak's reaction looked kinda fake and exaggerating, but he didn't think Isak would ever put his hand under his pillow for apparent no reason. 

He saw Isak sat up, gently lifted up his chin, and pressed a warm kiss on his lips.

" Just keep it anywhere you wanna keep, Even." He paused, " If it's mine, then it's yours." 

" Isak, I don't think I have the right to.."

But Isak didn't let him finish, as he suddenly cut him off and said, " Just don't say anything, Even. You always spoil the moment..just keep quiet and let me kiss you." 

True to his words, another warm kiss was immediately planted on his lips, at the same time his strong hand cupped behind his neck and guided him back down to the bed again. Isak pulled up the blanket and tucked it right under his chin.

As expected, Isak invaded one third of his pillow again, followed by a soft peck on his cheek, and his arm was hugging across his shoulder. And for a moment, he was thinking about the last time his parents gave him a gentle kiss on his cheek before he slept. But he forgot what it felt like, for it was a long time ago. And it made him think, if he ever received one. 

" Even? Are you ok?" 

He saw Isak suddenly propped himself up on an elbow and wiped the tears that he didn't even know had already made their way down off his cheeks. He glanced up at him and immediately looked down and nodded. _I'm ok._ And he hurriedly blinked away the remaining tears in his eyes.

" Even, you can talk to me about anything. You know that?" He said, and pecked him on the cheek again.

Even shook his head, and gazed back up at him. He slid up an arm out of the blanket, grabbed his hand that was still caressing his cheek, and planted a gentle kiss on it before he held it tight just above his chest.

" Even..."

" Isak, I..I love you, I really do...but, I can't talk about this, I can't." He said with a quavering voice.

But a warm kiss suppressed a sob that was about to come out right away. 

" Can you say it again?" He asked.

" I can't talk about it?" Even said, and gazed at him.

He heard Isak giggled softly and said, " Not that, Even."

" ...I.I love you...I love you, Isak."

And another kiss immediately felt on his lips, and Isak deepened it further before he pulled his head back and just lay beside him on the same pillow.

" Isak, can you..can you hold my hand when I sleep tonight?" He asked, and he didn't know why tears lined his eyes again. But Isak kissed his forehead again and said in a soft voice " Of course, Even. I will hold your hand tonight and every night if you want...just sleep, Even." 

Even curved his mouth into a small smile and closed his eyes _Thank you, Isak_.

..................  
  
As days passed, his limbs started to obey their master, and he was able to move around more freely without feeling much pain. He still felt tired often but at least that uncomfortable numbing chest pain had gone for now. He knew that it might take a few more months for his wound and his bones to heal, but he did feel a lot better.

Even took a quiet stroll alone in the early morning. The sudden cold wind whipped across his face and he straight away tucked his head behind the scarf and took a quicker step back to the apartment. As he closed the door, he was met with warm arms slipped around his waist from behind.

" You should have wake me up."

" I'm.I'm a lot better now, you don't have to worry."

" Well, what about right in here?" He said, slowly turned his body around, and put a soft tap on his forehead.

Right in here would always be the same. He couldn't think any differently. This was him, and it would always be a part of him. He gazed back, and found the pair of eyes were already on him, that he immediately dropped his gaze. Since moving here, the eye staring workout seemed to work its way into his daily life, and it made him uncomfortable sometimes, but he knew, eventually, he would have to get used to it.

" Don't you have to get ready for your trip?"

Even glanced up at the clock. Isak decided to go for that one week hiking trip. He knew Isak must have missed those things. Those things he could never enjoy with him. And he had to admit, he felt insecured sometimes because he was just scared that Isak would leave him. But his mind wasn't left twisted for long, as Isak pulled him out from the hole he was about to fall into right away, and kissed him.

" I love you" 

A soft whisper reached his ears with another warm kiss pressed right under it. And all he could give was a meek smile back at him.

" ..and I have already packed my bag, don't worry..are you sure you're going to be ok alone?" He said, and showed him the giant gym back with clothes shoving messily inside.

Even nodded, " I'm planning to spend time with Mikael at the cafe." 

And that was all he could do right now. He couldn't lift heavy things or worked in the kitchen just yet. It bored him to the bones, but at least he could slowly take his time walking along the river towards the cafe.

The apartment felt empty and quiet once Isak closed the door. He drew a deep breath, got himself ready and walked out of the apartment hours later.

Much of the snow had already melted at some parts and left with puddles of murky water along the footpath. He didn't like this at all. It looked nice when the season came, with the fields, the trees and all the shrubs were covered in whites. But it left a trace of dirt behind once it's over, with the chilly feeling filled the air. 

Even stopped and gazed emptily out to the river, until a sudden gust of wind hit his face that he pulled his double hoodies over, and jammed his hands into his jacket right away. Perhaps a short rest here would do, as he slowly walked uphill to his favourite rusty old bench. He sat quietly and huddled himself on the seat, rocking back and forth, resting his chin on his knee and gazed out to the river once again, before he tilted his head slightly and rested his cheek on it instead. 

He knew he was supposed to walk just another kilometre to the cafe and meet Mikael, but at this moment right here, he just want to close his eyes and let the howling sound of the wind filled the quietness of the surroundings. He loved this, the sound of nature.

_"Even"_

_"Even_ "

Soft gentle voice reached his ears from afar and he thought he must still be dreaming right now. He didn't pay much attention to it and continued to keep his eyes closed.

_"Even"_

" Even"

As the voice was getting nearer and nearer, Even slowly opened his eyes and gazed up to the figure from a distance. And as the figure walked nearer and nearer towards him, his lips parted slightly in shock, but managed to stammer out a few words through his lips.

" I.Isak? Wh.What are you doing here?" He asked, feeling very confused.

Isak was supposed to be on the tour bus right now, why was he still here? Did he forget something?

" I know I will find you here." He said, and smiled at him, while reaching out his warm hands and carefully held him to stand up.

" I mean, why are you still here Isak? You missed the bus? Did you forget something?"

Isak kept caressing his arms and pulled his body into his warm embrace. And he said in a soft voice. " I did forget something actually." He paused, and pecked the side of his neck tenderly.

" You"

Even stood stunned within his arms for a few seconds, and as he collected himself well enough, he pulled himself away a little. 

" What do you mean, Isak?"

" I think I could go hiking some other times. They're having this every now and then, so..." he shrugged.

" But..didn't you say you can't wait to go?"

" I do, but...I guess I can't wait to come back and see you..and I'm right." He paused, and pressed another kiss on his cheek, " You know, we can go hiking or whatever together sometimes " He said, and smiled.

" I.Isak, you know those.those things I..I can't."

It was too tiring for him. He knew his heart would never allow him to finish this type of activity.

" Then we'll go slow..well, if I go myself I could probably finish it in a few days, but with you? ..maybe over a week." He smirked, and chuckled softly.

 _OK_. His remark downed his tiny confidence to zero. Even squinted his eyes and pouted. But Isak pulled him back and hugged him again.

" But I will be there with you all the way..and if you feel sick or if anything happend, these two arms right here will carry you to the hospital." He said and firmed his hug.

" Isak" He whispered out, still trying to gather himself and filled his head with the fact that Isak was here, right here with him, hugging him. 

And Isak suddenly pulled himself back a little and just gazed at him. He didn't know what Isak wanted, but he decided to participate this staring contest, and it looked like he had just won, as Isak dropped his gaze a blushed a little. However, it wasn't for long that Isak looked up at him again and just said,

" Come, let's go!" he said.

 _Go?_ Go where? 

" Huh? Wh.Where?"

Isak smiled broadly at him and said, " To the farm! We should get out of town anyway."

" Wh.What? Now?" He asked, still very confused with all the sudden change of his own plan.

" Yes, now Even! There's a coach leaving the terminal in.." He looked at his watch, "..in half an hour..we better hurry."

Even didn't have time to think about this last minute plan, as Isak just grabbed his hand and led the way. He could only blankly follow him and his high energy persona.

Once they reached the farm after hours of an uncomfortable coach ride. His body felt so sore, and he swore his butt might grow stems if he were to sit any longer.

Even wiped the tiredness away from his face, and Isak helped him get down from the coach. They slowly walked through the small town and he saw the horse farm from a distance away. He turned to look at Isak.

" Can we stop for a while? I'm a little tired." He asked, a little embarrrased. 

" Just climb on my back, you don't have to walk at all." He lowered himself down, and gesturing him to hop on.

" Isak..that's not necessary. I just need to rest a while." 

" Even, I'm not asking.." 

Even kept quiet for a few seconds and it seemed Isak would not have it any other way, as he kept looking at him with pleading eyes. He finally gave in and nodded. But Isak didn't lead them to the horse farm he once brought him, but the empty field beside it. However, the owner of the farm let the horses roamed around freely beyond the gate. Even had a chance to touch a few and he felt so relaxed and happy to be here right away.

" You really like it here?" Isak suddenly asked.

He gave him a meek smile and nodded. It was relaxing here, out of the crowded city. He could see unobstructed view of mountains, and the line on the horizon. It was like heaven on earth, where things went slow. It might lack of some amenities, but he was not the type who liked to grace around in the mall that much anyway.

" Would you like to go under the shade there?" Isak asked. 

" Ok." He said.

He remembered that this was the tree they rested under the last time they were here. Even though there were barely any new leaves right now, but it was shaded enough to block away some strong sunlight as well as cold wind that occasionally passed by. 

As he sat down with his knees up, he saw Isak moved closer and put an arm behind his waist. 

" Cold? It's a little windy today, isn't it."

He nodded slightly, gazed back at him, and gave him a warm smile. Isak took of his jacket and he immediately stopped him.

" Isak, there's no need."

" You're shivering! And I just had a good workout...I feel hot actually." He said, and covered him with the jacket. 

He sat there watching a few horses from a distance nudging their noses to the ground picking on something. And he was always curious if the horses ever felt bored, not having anything to do. But his curiosity in trying to decipher the mind of the horse was put to a stop when Isak suddenly pushed his head down to rest on his shoulder, and caressed his arm, while his other hand held the side of his face and put a gentle stroke on his cheek. 

" You know, someday I'll have to retire from swimming..maybe a few years later." He shrugged slightly.

Even blushed a little, thinking how uncomfortable he was the last time they were here under this tree. But now, even though he was with the same person, he felt different. There was no need for him to move away anymore. It felt nice like this. He gazed up and smiled back at him. And Isak suddenly asked,

" Do you think you can open a second branch here? I mean your cafe." 

_Second branch?_ Why would he need a second branch. One was more than enough. Besides...

" You know, the original shop is always the best." 

And he didn't know what he said that made Isak giggled. But soon, Isak kissed him again and said,

" You're so clueless...what I mean is..Even, would you like to live here one day?"

Even immediately pulled himself away and gazed at him, " I'll have to think about it." He paused and playfully said, " Besides, someone once told me that there's nothing here, and that I couldn't even ride a horse.." He sighed softly. " I'll be kidding myself if I ever thought I could survive here..I'm. I'm not like you.. I guess sometimes, you can't match your dream with reality " He said, and suddenly felt both hands cupped his cheeks.

" What about with me, Even?...Will you live here with me, one day?

" Isak."

" This is my hometown, Even. And I know you like it here..and since we both like it here, we can move here one day." He paused, and kissed him softly before he said, 

"And I know there's a small hospital few kilometres away. It might not have the full facilities, but at least, if anything happened, they can still help you."

" Isak."

That was the only word he could let it pass his lips. He didn't know if Isak was being serious. Did he really mean it? 

He saw Isak drew his face closer, while still stroking his cheeks gently with his thumbs. Even dropped his gaze slightly, with tears started to brim his eyes.

" You really want me to live with you here?" He paused, and shook his head. " I'm..I'm a handful, Isak" 

" I know, but..I'm fine with it." He paused, pulled him into his warm arms, and whispered softly to his ears " I just need you to breathe, Even...and try not to stop breathing in front of me again"

Isak roamed his eyes over his face and slowly lay him down onto the ground with his hand cupped gently behind his neck. Even decided not to look away, but gazed right back at the person above him. He saw Isak leaned forward, and he knew right away what Isak was about to do.

Even closed his eyes, and felt a strong warm kiss on his lips, and that kiss made its way down to his neck. He didn't know where the kiss went to explore afterwards, and he didn't know when that cuddle was over, or when he fell asleep, but he was woken up to look at the almost dark sky when Isak shook him slightly.

Isak helped him up and smiled broadly at him and said, " Let's go home." 

Even nodded, and looked at the back of the person who just bent down to grab the jacket that was still on the ground, and he couldn't help but smiled silently to himself. 

He was always going to be _Even_ , the one who would always feel insecure, the one who would always be weak. But Isak would always be here for him, _wouldn't he?_ Even immediately shook away the doubt that was about to emerge, and replaced by the figure in front of him again. Isak was still here with him, appreciated him, accepted him, and never tried to change the person he was. _If this wasn't love, then what was it?_

But his mind was not left to ponder for long, as he saw Isak suddenly turned around.

" Why are you looking at me like that? Are you ok?" He asked, and took a few steps towards him.

Even nodded his head, " I'm ok." 

And as he was about to jam his hands into the pockets, Isak suddenly said,

" What are you doing?"

Even looked up and saw Isak reached out his hand.

" Let me take your hand, Even..I don't want you to fall down or anything happened without me knowing it" He said, and smirked jokingly back at him.

" What!?" He protested a little but reached out his hand for him to take right away.

...........xxxxxxxx.................


End file.
